Journaling: New thread time- picking up where the last one left off.
I had my IC appointment tonight. I reported to her that a friend noticed that I seem a lot more relaxed lately since I’ve been settling into my new place. I definitely feel a reduction in tension since I am not in close proximity to H and that is tremendous. It’s really nice to be rid of the eggshell flooring! Still not thinking about H or wondering what he’s up to, and that kinda surprises me. It just doesn’t matter what he does, he’s leaving me alone.
One lingering problem- I can’t get past the numbness. When it comes to H and our M, I don’t feel much of anything, positive or negative- I can’t find any anger, disappointment, hate, love, desire- just nothing. I don’t feel much either at the thought that he wasn’t interested in re-evaluating in a few months into the separation like we said originally. I was surprised when I found out, but ok, fine.
I told him last weekend to call his atty and get a settlement offer to mine for review. I figured he would have his called right away Monday, but he hasn’t yet and it’s already Thursday. He doesn’t see any need to rush, he says. OK, H, do you want a D or not? If you’re not talking to me, talk to your atty, let’s go on this. I’m a bit nervous about the settlement negotiations- I’m still a little afraid of him. Not for my physical safety, but my emotional health- he’s good at ripping me up verbally. I shouldn’t have to live trying not to piss him off, but it’s still in the back of my mind.
My IC and my friends here have pointed out have far I’ve come, but I still don’t see it. This last year has been a blur- I see where I am now, and sometimes I still wonder how I got here and why. What the he!! happened? I have to re-read some of my previous posts to remind myself, because I’m real good at blocking it out. Bad memories, bad feelings- all blocked, ignored, out of mind.
You have come a long way, I have seen it just in the posts you have been making. It is impressive to watch someone start to transform there life in a way that is healthy and to things they want and for themselves. It makes me smile to think there are strong people, like yourself, out there, and that someday I hope to find one to share my time with as well.
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One lingering problem- I can’t get past the numbness. When it comes to H and our M, I don’t feel much of anything, positive or negative- I can’t find any anger, disappointment, hate, love, desire- just nothing.
Have you brought these feelings up with your IC? This does not seem odd to me at all, given how you had to live, and for so long, repressed feelings seem a simple byproduct of having to do so, as a protection mechanism for yourself. Talk about these feelings openly with your IC, and you may come to the root of them.
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he’s good at ripping me up verbally. I shouldn’t have to live trying not to piss him off, but it’s still in the back of my mind.
No, you should not have to live that way, and nor do you have to. Have your atty contact his, and you can drive the negotiation. I would not place yourself in a position to have to worry about this. I would spend the extra money to block this from having to happen by having your atty do the talking. That would seem to me to be better for your emotional health during this.
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My IC and my friends here have pointed out have far I’ve come, but I still don’t see it. This last year has been a blur- I see where I am now, and sometimes I still wonder how I got here and why. What the he!! happened? I have to re-read some of my previous posts to remind myself, because I’m real good at blocking it out. Bad memories, bad feelings- all blocked, ignored, out of mind.
You have come a long way, try not to beat yourself up if your not feeling like it at a given moment. We are talking years of your life here, a few months or even a couple years may not give you complete clarity, but even your posts have change in reflection of your personal changes since you started posting here. Give yourself some credit, and congratulations, for all that you have been through, and where you are today. Small steps will add together to become bigger steps for you.
Keep it up!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
(((((Bunny))))) You might not be able to see how far you've come, but this post is so calm, so well centered.
Don't worry too much about what you might not be feeling. I think that you've had to become numb to survive the past few years, it might take a while for your emotions to find their way out, and for you to get used to having them.
It is nice to change the flooring, isn't it! My situation wasn't anything like yours, but I noticed the same thing!
I may have just screwed myself royally, but so be it...
Two of my STBX-SIL's (H's S and his SIL- hereinafter SIL1 and SIL2, respectively) came over last night after watching a music performance at our high school- these are the two members of H's family that I feel closest too. SIL1 had already seen the apt, but SIL2 hadn't so I was giving her the tour. (A little background- SIL2, me and the other spouses grew much closer as the "in-laws" while the family was grieving the death of my FIL a year ago. There was a lot of fighting among H and his siblings, the in-laws were excluded, and a lot of hurt feelings resulted.)
At the end of the tour, I was alone with SIL2 in my bedroom, and she asks "OK, Bunny- what happened?" And I told her- everything. The swinging, my alleged issues, H's cheating from our previous troubles, H's pushing of meds on me, me breaking the rule of getting emotionally attached to a swing partner, all of it. Needless to say- SIL2's jaw dropped to the floor, but it made sense to her now. Like I said before, nobody could understand why I left- we were the perfect upper-middle class family and I walked away from it. To them, I looked like the flighty WAW, or they thought maybe H had a GF at work.
I warned her before I said anything, that it will be really bad for me if it gets back to H that I said anything. I'm not stupid, I know it will, but I was willing to risk it. (Anyone want to set up a betting pool of how long until H finds out? ) Maybe it was a little vengeance, his family thinks he's an angel, he's so great, so smart, so nice- yeah well, there's another side to him... I'm not telling everybody, but I wanted someone to know my side. I know it will get back to him eventually, and I'm going to have a ton of sh!t to deal with when it happens- hopefully it will be after the settlement agreement is done. I am seriously afraid of his reaction, but I didn't want to keep that secret anymore. Maybe I should have waited until later, but my mood was right and SIL2 was ready to listen. Maybe it was a selfish "emotional dump" on my SIL2. She seemed glad to understand though, and she's seriously pissed at H and lost a ton of respect for him.
I think he's going to eventually face some consequences of his decisions other than just a D. I feel a little guilty at feeling some satisfaction at that thought.
Yea, maybe not the smartest move that you've ever made..., BUT I can relate to just feeling like it was time to be HEARD!!
A big HUG your way!!!
OTOH, I guess sometimes truth hurts. If H finds out you talked, it's not like you only told of HIS indiscretions/problems, you explained what you did wrong in the M, too.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I'm not sure what to feel about the EA. I wasn't allowed to have that, but I was allowed a PA with the guy- I could sleep with him all I want (bring pics back, please). H knew about him- he saw me chat with him and heck, sometimes he would even help select my outfit when I would get ready to go out with him. I didn't see him often, and he wasn't the only man I dated, there were others. I noticed during that last year that when I wanted some attention from H is when I would go out- if I was upset or lonely or whatever. That definitely got his attention, and it was positive attention.
I never had a partner prior to this guy that I saw more than once, that's how I got into trouble with it. I learned my emotions are more involved in sex than I realized. It's why the one night stands left me depressed and feeling empty and like a hooker afterward- no emotional connection. My sex life with H was at least comfortable/predictable/convenient even though the connection was eroding. No snuggles, love words, it was usually basic f***ing, not ML. We had become f***buddies. That's not enough for me in a marriage- I really want to feel loved and cherished.
So- I'm sorry I got attached to this guy. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger and let H talk me into this at all. I told him that was one of my concerns before we started- H said we could handle it. How ironic- I was worried about him and I'm the one who got into trouble. H wanted us to play outside the rules, and we got burned. I'm not surprised by that, H is- and sees it as a failure on my part for not having more control over my emotions. I'm disappointed that he even put me in that position.
That's something I'm working on in IC- get strong enough to make sure no one else hurts me like he did.
At the end of the tour, I was alone with SIL2 in my bedroom, and she asks "OK, Bunny- what happened?" And I told her- everything. The swinging, my alleged issues, H's cheating from our previous troubles, H's pushing of meds on me, me breaking the rule of getting emotionally attached to a swing partner, all of it. Needless to say- SIL2's jaw dropped to the floor, but it made sense to her now. Like I said before, nobody could understand why I left- we were the perfect upper-middle class family and I walked away from it. To them, I looked like the flighty WAW, or they thought maybe H had a GF at work.
Bravo, girl! I bet that - finally - felt good. That was just too much of a burden to carry alone.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
I warned her before I said anything, that it will be really bad for me if it gets back to H that I said anything. I'm not stupid, I know it will, but I was willing to risk it. (Anyone want to set up a betting pool of how long until H finds out? ) Maybe it was a little vengeance, his family thinks he's an angel, he's so great, so smart, so nice- yeah well, there's another side to him... I'm not telling everybody, but I wanted someone to know my side.(1) I know it will get back to him eventually, and I'm going to have a ton of sh!t to deal with when it happens- hopefully it will be after the settlement agreement is done. I am seriously afraid of his reaction, but (2)I didn't want to keep that secret anymore. Maybe I should have waited until later, but my mood was right and SIL2 was ready to listen. Maybe it was a selfish "emotional dump" on my SIL2. She seemed glad to understand though, and she's seriously pissed at H and lost a ton of respect for him.
I think he's going to eventually face some consequences of his decisions other than just a D. (3)I feel a little guilty at feeling some satisfaction at that thought.
(1) Refuse to engage. Do not discuss it.Other than maybe, "If there was nothing wrong with it, why fear the truth?" (2) That's all that matters. Who can blame you? (3)I would think that relief - and even some joy - would be in order, here.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
One lingering problem- I can’t get past the numbness. When it comes to H and our M, I don’t feel much of anything, positive or negative- I can’t find any anger, disappointment, hate, love, desire- just nothing.
The opposite of love isn't hate. It's apathy, nothing-ness.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
I have to re-read some of my previous posts to remind myself
You do that, girl. You'll see what we've all seen. And admired.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
No D paperwork from H yet. He sees no rush, but doesn't feel that any further talking or reconciliation efforts are going to be productive. Fine- so why the delay? If he doesn't want to work on it, then I just want the cord cut- let me out! I just may have to handle that part myself too, like I did moving... geez, for a guy with control issues....
He's controlling it all and keeping you off balance, dangling and squirming. Why not have your L take the first step, make the first proposal and fire a shot across H's bow?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I will if I haven't heard anything by next weekend. I didn't really expect to have completed papers yet- but I thought stbxH would have at least called his L to get things started (I think I can call him that now!).
My atty had suggested letting stbxH make the opening bid to save me time and aggravation. But if he won't, I won't hesitate to do so myself. I'm just surprised by stbxH- I thought he would have jumped when I gave him the go-ahead. He's the one who last month said there was no saving this M.
One positive note- I reconnected with friend last night. We hadn't talked in a long time (almost two years, I think), but I called her last night and we talked for 104 minutes... lots of catching up to do!
