Huband is having an emotional affair

[ALJ]

Maynard,
This dealing with an affair is definately a new thing to me too. It is like I am a fish out of water. My H does have serious issues. I do too and I guess I never would have addressed them had this not happened. I hope that your Aunt in law will support you in your fight for your marriage. Aside from abuse, I just don't see why anyone would not support a spouse who is standing for for their marriage?

Chatterbug- thank you for that excerpt. It is exactly how I feel right now.

I am new at this but I will visit sitchs even if only to offer support and encouragement. This is very hard to go through.

[jasper67]

It was recommended to me over a month ago to look in on other sitches and offer help and support. The more you read you will see that you are not alone and that your feelings are not so unique...you will see tragedies and victories, you will se progress as well.

The more you read, you will be able to view your own sitch as though it were happening to someone else- you will be able to learn from other people's mistakes. It can only help.

We are all here b/c we have a love for our SP and our M, b/c we hope to have hope-

Remember that you will be OK no matter what happens and that you are responsible for your on happiness. Your strength and fortitude and drive to keep a family in tact is noble and ideal.

I've been posting here for a few months- bare this in mind...people here do care- they want what you want, but more importantly they want for you to be OK regardless of what happens.

Hang in there

[ALJ]

Well, H makes the first contact after his apology text to me. Of course its mostly just to talk to the kids. I hand the phone to the kids right away and they each talk to him. When he talks back to me, he seemed miffed that the kids really did not talk that much to him. Usually, the T.V is on and they try to converse with him while paying attention to cartoons. He then asks about how the kids are doing in school and mundane things.

I don't know how we got on the subject of money but H makes the announcement that he has ran out of money. Then he starts talking crazy about how he is going to be eating out of garbage cans soon. I just listened and then asked him if he had filled out any applications to which he replied that he did. Then my emotions got involved and I asked about his business and what his "business partner" was doing to help boost business. He said that they were working promoting the business, etc. I know that was probably a major no-no to inquire about her because it caused me to start a relationship talk. I went on and on and he said nothing but mostly answered yes or had no reply when I said anything about love or marriage. I now feel like an idiot for letting my emotions take control and I am sure what I said to him went in one ear and out the other. My conversation was all over the place. I will not do this again.

Reality is setting in for H. The only money that he has is his unemployment check and that goes into our joint account to help pay bills. I really do think that H would rather eat out of garbage cans than move back here because to come back will mean admitting that he failed and I guess he has too much pride to do that. I want him to succeed but not with OW in the picture. I also want our marriage to succeed but that is the farthest thing from his mind right now. Thanks for listening to me rant.

[Allen A]

OK, I would seriously consider exploring reducing the geographical gap if you can.. it is VERY hard to fight an affair from miles away.

You DO have some advantages, he misses his kids, etc...

Is there a possibility of you moving down south with him later on? I think you at least considering this may warm up to him a bit.

Ya, do NOT ask about business partner. I really think you just need to educate him on this infidelity subject. WAY TOO MANY people think because they are separated its ok to sleep around. BUT, they don't tell their spouse about it for some "mysterious reason"... its because they KNOW they are cheating..

For some reason they think its more OK to cheat since they aren't under teh same roof.

I am PRO Protesting affairs outright, I am leaning in the direction of you just shutting him out entirely to see what affect that has... not sure yet... I mean the kids and eveyrone... ZERO contact...

This MAY invoke pursuit on his part...

If it does, if you did cut him out and he pursues you for a couple months with you pushing him away then you could throw him

LOSE THE BIZ PARTNER or you get nothing from your family - CLICK

But, given he's having some financial harship, you may want to wait til that runs out... you COULD invite him there if he's open to the idea... THAT will get him away from her.

I think you need to make him aware you are at least slightly OPEN to the idea of moving south.. he clearly wants that... so you need to show SOME warmth to the idea to get his attention.

[Allen A]

Ya, i think you could invite him where you are and tell him only temporary until you two discuss possibly moving south togetehr... I dunno yet.. still mullling this one over.

[ALJ]

Thank you Allen for trying to help me with my sitch. I realize that this is not an easy sitch to try to analyze and I am grateful for your input.

I remember when H first dropped the bomb and announced his intent to move down south, I made the statement "so I guess this means we won't be moving down south with you" and he replied " you can move down there if you want but not with me." I told him that I wanted our family to be together and we were willing to move with him. He just said "thats understandable" I guess it was too late. He did not love me and did not want me moving down there with him. That statement has stuck with me. I even suggested that I would bring the kids down there to visit but he said "not while I am in this condition." He said his apartment was too small, he would like to move to a bigger place, etc.

Now that I know that the OW is in the picture, I am thinking that he would really be against us moving down there. I could say that it would be for the kids sake. I do have some family down there but I just hate the thought of being alone down there while he is involved with someone else. But, what else do I have to lose at this point? I like your idea suggesting that he could come back and stay with us until he gets on his feet and maybe we could move back down south together. I also am going use your advice about the ring idea. I am going to buy a simple band and wear it. I am still married so its not like I am doing something wrong. He probably wouldn't even mention it anyways or he might get an attitude about it but oh well. I have to see how this financial hardship situation is going to affect him.

As for me, I am having a good day so far. My family had a prayer breakfast and I had a chance to talk and laugh with family members. The house was running over with little kids running around and playing. I plan on going to the mall and maybe do some more visiting.

I hope everyones weekend is going well.

[Allen A]

My advice is to try to get him to come back up here with your promise to consider moving down south later on once you two are better setup for that sort of thing.

Re him not loving you.

I suspect he was already in an EA before he left. People get CONFUSED when they are having affairs.

You need to understnad the difference between

romantic love and the infatuations from infidelity

These are ENTIRELY different animals

Comparing romantic love to infidelity is like comparing dating to stalking... its really a very different sort of thing

He very lilkey DOES love you, but he's confused these two experiences and he thinks because he's infatuated with some woman who has no inhibitions about violating a marriage that he doens't have any romantic love for his wife and family...

This is NOT the case, or he woudl NOT be contacting you.

The problem is humans can feel romantic love AND feel infatuated with an affair at the same time... and often the infatuation is more INTENSE and people allow their temporary intense feelings to cloud their judgement for what's best long term.

Do NOT allow this to confuse YOU like it has him... YOU need to set an example of long term commitment for him to follow

If this is an affair and BENEATH you, then react that way... do NOT elevate this to something beautiful, its not... its sleazy and hurtful and it WILL END.. they always end ... and usually badly...

The GOOD thing is that his affair is FAR AWAY and you are free to enjoy your life without a lot of interference from him. Enjoy that... many people have it happening in there very own home and they feel MUCH more VIOLATED and HURt as a result... you are NOT exposedo to that.. this is a good thing.

I would be very cautious about you moving down there to compete, its not the best idea... what IS important is that you make him aware you are willing...

Do NOT let him discourage you with his BS and moodiness and his distance... women try these games too... they tell men they are "fine" and they "don't want to talk about it" when they VERY MUCH do want to talk and they are anything BUT fine

You need to learn to read his feelings more carefully and NOT take him literally right now...

I think setting some boundaries may be in order soon... But if his business is failing I suspect he may come crawling back on his own...

His affair may end with this business venture of his.. those two may end up taking this failure out on each other and this may cause them to split... that may happen on its own witout you having to do much at all...

[Allen A]

We will have to talk more about the details of your confrontation about his affair and where that stands...

We need to understand where his commitment levels are at before moving into a protection phase

[mb28]

ALJ,
You are getting great advice. Allen is great and try to do everything he suggests. Your sitch does seem harder than most because of the distance between you and your H. I am also fighting an A, and we are seperated. However, my H lives right down the street, and I see him almost everyday.

I wish you the best, hang in there.

[ALJ]

Thank you mb28 for your best wishes. I see in your thread that your H is responding to your DB efforts. I wish you the best also.

Allen, I agree with you about H being in an EA with OW before he left. That statement brought back memories of last year when H was having parties promoting his company. OW was his secretary and also one of the group of ladies that H and other guys in the company auditioned to work the crowd at the parties, sort of like models for his entertainment label. I remember seeing pictures of H and OW together at the parties. They had these "sheepish" looks on their faces, if that makes any sense. The pictures that H took of OW outnumbered the pictures of the other girls. Even in pictures when H and OW were not the subject of the shot, I could see them in the background of the picture and they were almost always together. These picture were posted on his entertainment website. It did seem like he was infatuated with her. H had a previous case of infatuation/EA with another woman. This happened after we had been married for 2 years.

You are right about me having peace of mind with him not being here and me having to deal with this affair in my home. When H dropped his bomb on me before he left, he turned into a stranger, like he never knew me. I was so hurt and devastated that I didn't eat for three days afterward and of course I made all of the classic DB mistakes. The kids and I do miss him though.

I became aware of H's affair from looking at his new website for his clothing line. H had requested that I take some pictures of our kids modeling the clothes from his line that he sent through mail to me and I obliged. He then posted these pictures on his website and when I visited the site for the first time to view the kids pics is when I saw OW picture as co-owner and began to question him about her. H knew that I would see her picture and question and I guess that was his way of exposing his affair to me. I asked him what was going on between them. He said they were good friends who enjoyed going out and having fun with each other, blah, blah, blah. Once I started asking him the serious questions like do you love her, is this what you want? etc, he started to get an attitude and angry like I was pressuring him and started answering "yeah, if you say so. Like I was backing him into a corner or something. After so many questions, he loudly stated that he didn't know what he wanted and I then told him that I would not mention her again. I don't know if this shows where his commitment level is, or is there something else that I should be asking him? Right now, I don't think he is thinking about commitment when it comes to me and him.

H claims that he is looking for work. I don't know how much luck he is going to have in this economy especially with just a high school diploma but who knows. I think he will try to find any type of work to keep from coming back here. OW is 24 years old and she may tire of H eventually. Then maybe he will wake up and realize what he has done to our family.