I justify it that he must have problems in his marriage if he’s living away from his family (it’s a weird job for a family man). He mustn’t be happy if he’s so keen to seek me out. I even tried telling myself yesterday that his personal life is none of my business and I’m not doing anything wrong – his marriage is not my responsibility? Right? Yeah – I know it’s not right. I also know from reading here how vulnerable some men can be if they’re not getting their needs met at home … and clearly I’m vulnerable too. It’s not healthy – I get that.
My advice is that you both need to be totally honest. That means you have to get him to be totally honest. And likewise you have to be totally honest with him.
As a formula, I agree with DQ, stay away from married men IF you really are looking for a full long-term relationship. But there are no guarantees. There are too many exceptions to the rules to rely on them alone, of course. A lot of single men are single for a reason. Some single men are still gettting it on with the ex-wives, or are playing the field and you're just another conquest, or are single simply because they cannot commit.
Quote:
So I don’t know what I’m asking really. Just venting and wondering, and hoping that I’ll get healthy enough to attract a man like the new husband Dance Queen describes. But I do wonder – is that the norm? Certainly in my recent experience – it seems possible to have
1. material and social security provided in a marriage 2. great sex; or 3. emotional intimacy …
but putting them all together seems rather like a pipe dream ….
Yes, it seems that way to me, given the situation I'm in. But I'm not sure you can short-cut yourself to the best relationship right away. People can give you advice to not have rebound relationships, etc. But I think some people actually need to go through real affairs and rebound relationships to fully mature to what you might call a "healthy" relationship. It always seems like when I hear the advice about avoiding affairs and rebound relationships, it's coming from people who went through those stages. You don't hear that advice from people who CLEANLY went from one marriage to another one, where everything was good. Maybe there just aren't a lot of people like that.
I think it really is true that you can't know what a good relationship is like unless you've had some bad ones. Or you won't know how to navigate or manage yourself in a bad relationship situation if you've only had a good relationship for a long time.
