As of 3/6/10, my H and I have been separated for 2 months (65 days, to be exact). In that time, I've moved beyond shock, despair, and hopelessness at times to a greater understanding of myself and my marriage. After several conversations with my H this week, I am beginning to better understand him and his relationship expectations.
I'll share two revelations now. First, I was recently (maybe 2 weeks ago) thinking about the day my mother passed (on my mind more since the anniversary was just last Sunday, 2/28). I was thinking of how I had taken a sick day that day. She and I had not seen each other that day but had talked on the phone only 30 minutes before she died. [Side note: she and I had worked at the same place. She actually had her fatal heart attack while sitting at her desk.] For the past several years, I have been proud of how I have not taken a sick day from work. However, it only hit me on this most recent musing that it's not just that I haven't taken a sick day in more than 3 years. It's that I haven't taken a sick day since my mother died! That was the last sick day I took! This blew me away when I realized it. I had no idea that my mind has been holding on to this since that day. I've been thinking about it more since then, and I don't know if in the back of my mind I was afraid that something bad would happen if I took a sick day. I will eventually work up my courage to take a sick day, but I'm proud that I made this personal revelation.
Second, I learned this week that my H and I both married a terrible communicator. We have had several lengthy telephone conversations this week. In one, my H said he feels like he needs to protect himself. He said that in the last few years of our marriage he has left me alone like I wanted, but he was lonely in our house. He had absorbed himself in the computer and online games (like Warcraft, Warhammer) because he didn't know what else to do.
I asked when I had said I wanted to be left alone. He said that before we moved into our house (my mother's house that we had inherited--we lived in a tiny duplex before), we used to cook dinner together. After we came to this house, we never did that anymore. He said that he left me alone since I wanted to be left alone but that my making dinner alone and without him made him sad. He said it was obvious that I didn't want him around or to be around him.
THIS WAS UNBELIEVABLE TO ME! I then tried to explain that when we lived at the duplex, we got home from work at the same time. We came in together, and I made dinner while he helped or talked in the kitchen. When we moved into our house, I got home from work a couple hours earlier than he did, so I thought it would be nice if dinner was ready when he came home. I told him that. He told me that he thought dinner was ready when he came home because I didn't want to spend time with him cooking dinner. He has been holding on to this for 4 years! This made me so sad, and I told him that. I also told him that I thought it was very unfair. I can't fix things that I don't know about, and I didn't know this. [I'm not someone who cries often, but this made me cry. I just kept thinking of the injustice of this situation.] I went on to say that this is a communication issue that could be fixed. He said that it could have been fixed. I added that it still could be. He again expressed his concern that he's not sure things would ever change. That's why he doesn't know if he can come back.
For now, I continue to have my nervous, anxious feeling, but I also feel like there's still some hope. I'm so glad that he told me this, and I'm glad that I had the opportunity to explain the events from my perspective. I told him that I was showing my love and appreciation for him by having dinner ready. He had never asked or expected it, but I did it because I knew that he'd be hungry. I loved him, and I wanted to have a nice meal ready for him each day. The good news is--he was listening.
More revelations, mistakes, and new methods to come. I have learned a lot in only a week, and I have much more to share.
