As of 3/6/10, my H and I have been separated for 2 months (65 days, to be exact). In that time, I've moved beyond shock, despair, and hopelessness at times to a greater understanding of myself and my marriage. After several conversations with my H this week, I am beginning to better understand him and his relationship expectations.
I'll share two revelations now. First, I was recently (maybe 2 weeks ago) thinking about the day my mother passed (on my mind more since the anniversary was just last Sunday, 2/28). I was thinking of how I had taken a sick day that day. She and I had not seen each other that day but had talked on the phone only 30 minutes before she died. [Side note: she and I had worked at the same place. She actually had her fatal heart attack while sitting at her desk.] For the past several years, I have been proud of how I have not taken a sick day from work. However, it only hit me on this most recent musing that it's not just that I haven't taken a sick day in more than 3 years. It's that I haven't taken a sick day since my mother died! That was the last sick day I took! This blew me away when I realized it. I had no idea that my mind has been holding on to this since that day. I've been thinking about it more since then, and I don't know if in the back of my mind I was afraid that something bad would happen if I took a sick day. I will eventually work up my courage to take a sick day, but I'm proud that I made this personal revelation.
Second, I learned this week that my H and I both married a terrible communicator. We have had several lengthy telephone conversations this week. In one, my H said he feels like he needs to protect himself. He said that in the last few years of our marriage he has left me alone like I wanted, but he was lonely in our house. He had absorbed himself in the computer and online games (like Warcraft, Warhammer) because he didn't know what else to do.
I asked when I had said I wanted to be left alone. He said that before we moved into our house (my mother's house that we had inherited--we lived in a tiny duplex before), we used to cook dinner together. After we came to this house, we never did that anymore. He said that he left me alone since I wanted to be left alone but that my making dinner alone and without him made him sad. He said it was obvious that I didn't want him around or to be around him.
THIS WAS UNBELIEVABLE TO ME! I then tried to explain that when we lived at the duplex, we got home from work at the same time. We came in together, and I made dinner while he helped or talked in the kitchen. When we moved into our house, I got home from work a couple hours earlier than he did, so I thought it would be nice if dinner was ready when he came home. I told him that. He told me that he thought dinner was ready when he came home because I didn't want to spend time with him cooking dinner. He has been holding on to this for 4 years! This made me so sad, and I told him that. I also told him that I thought it was very unfair. I can't fix things that I don't know about, and I didn't know this. [I'm not someone who cries often, but this made me cry. I just kept thinking of the injustice of this situation.] I went on to say that this is a communication issue that could be fixed. He said that it could have been fixed. I added that it still could be. He again expressed his concern that he's not sure things would ever change. That's why he doesn't know if he can come back.
For now, I continue to have my nervous, anxious feeling, but I also feel like there's still some hope. I'm so glad that he told me this, and I'm glad that I had the opportunity to explain the events from my perspective. I told him that I was showing my love and appreciation for him by having dinner ready. He had never asked or expected it, but I did it because I knew that he'd be hungry. I loved him, and I wanted to have a nice meal ready for him each day. The good news is--he was listening.
More revelations, mistakes, and new methods to come. I have learned a lot in only a week, and I have much more to share.
You are not alone- it's sad that most M in these sitches fall prey to something as "correctable" as communication. I am right there w/ you- W would ask if I were going to the gym, rather than ask that I did not...I would ask W what's wrong, she would say "nothing"...W would say she's going to read, so I opted to watch TV...
poor communication, and even worse mind-reading...
Well, here we are though- it's nice to get the bits of info in the failings of the M/R...but, like in my case, when all was laid out on the table- I was elated- we could address everything- but by then she said it was too late...she's just not there anymore.
Please be careful when H shares this info w/ you, things will start to make sense and you will have hope- hope is good...but it's the willingness on his part that will possibly set you back.
It's criminal the way I see it, to have the answers and know the solutions, but be held back by one party...UGH.
I'm with both of you in sympathy on the lists of miscommunications and totally fixable stuff that the WAS claims is now "too late"-- esp. those things that you never knew about or were crossed signals to begin with.
maynard, thanks for your response. It's so frustrating, right? I had no clue that for FOUR YEARS this man felt pain and sadness when he came home to find dinner ready. I thought I was doing such a good thing for him. Go figure.
I understand what you mean about the willingness. He is not willing right now, and it all seems so simple to me. I love what you said here: "It's criminal the way I see it, to have the answers and know the solutions, but be held back by one party...UGH." This is so true!!
rr22, thanks for putting it so plainly. These are things that I never knew about or were just crossed signals. You are soooo right. I've heard the "too little, too late" bit, too, but I think our most recent conversation got his attention. I'm not saying that he's changed his mind and running home any time soon, but he sees now that he was dead wrong about something he thought was a huge problem in our marriage. I hope that I'll keep learning things so that I can address them!
Time to share another revelation and my first new method--
I have a better understanding of how to use 180 in my situation.
I took very easily to the GAL philosophy (despite the anxiety and internal turmoil). I adopted it and exhibited a positive, upbeat attitude.
The way I behaved has not worked for my situation. In fact, it put H off and created more distance for a time.
Like any good English degree recipient, I highlighted, underlined, and took notes as I was reading the DR book. I looked back over my notes this week and saw that I had written down notes about my usual way of handling conflict. These are my notes from 1/25/10:
"My usual way: *I shut down *I fold my arms at times *I distance myself emotionally *I dig in my heels even more
What I do and how I handle things is NOT working."
When I learned about the 180, I took it at face value. I took it to mean that I needed to stop crying when I saw or talked to H, stop talking about the relationship, and stop letting my emotions/feelings be known. THIS WAS A MISTAKE IN MY SITUATION.
My H has always wanted me to be more expressive. He has always wondered why I shut down and distance myself. It's true that I do this. I've never liked to cry or let my feelings be known (and I don't really know why), and my internalization has not helped me (recall I now have an ulcer) or my marriage.
In one of our conversations this week, he told me that he didn't like that I was behaving or pretending like nothing was going on. He said it wasn't real or genuine. He told me that he has never acted like he wasn't sad about our situation. He didn't know why I have been doing that.
I explained that I was trying to be upbeat and positive in his presence. I told him that I didn't want to seem needy, desperate, or clingy and that I didn't want to put him off with my sadness.
His response: "When you act like that, it's just more of the same."
AHA! I see now that the sadness of our situation was something we had in common. When I displayed the other behavior, he felt alone (like he says he felt at times in the past few years). After thinking about it, since our separation he has been more businesslike when I'm upbeat and much warmer and loving when I've seemed down.
A true 180 for me would be to show more emotion, share my feelings, and look to him for comfort and sharing. I could have kicked myself, especially after I reread my notes. I knew it enough then to write it down but didn't remember to follow through on it.
So my 180 this week has been to share feelings and let him comfort me. I can admit this--it feels pretty good, and I could tell that he appreciated being able to help and give advice. I did a lot of "You're right," "That's a good point," and "That's so true." This is also a 180 for me.
We've talked and texted more this week than we have in about 1 1/2 months.
I have deprived him of the opportunity to help, but now I see the importance of that to him. I am also becoming more at ease with the idea of sharing and being comforted. I'm just so sorry I didn't know how much he needed this before.
Don't be down on yourself - be PROUD! You saw what doesn't work, and what does. You're just trying to learn new ways of relating and it takes a while! I"m super inspired by you. I'm going to take a double look at the "DB standards" and compare them to what really is going on in my R with H, what really gets him to open up and come closer. That is truly what needs to happen.
Like last week I didn't know what time H wanted to meet to pick up S, and so I did the DB thing and waited for him to call first. It just muddied communication, which is a huge problem for us too! He went to the house looking for us, while I was out with S waiting for H to call. It would have actually been a better 180 to call and be clear about the plan!
I'm so glad you are getting clear on this, working on it, seeing results! That is fantastic!
N8, thanks for sharing your 180 revelation. That's been something that's been worrying me...what is a 180 for my sitch. Being consistently positive, calm and cheerful is a 180 for me. But OTOH, keeping my feelings inside and not making myself vulnerable around H is not a 180 for me, because I've been in self-protective mode for a long time around H. I've been wondering about some honest, vulnerable communication with H, but the feedback that I've been getting in my thread is that it's pursuing. Does it feel like pursuing to you when you do it?
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
well I am in your same strugge, not sure what to do for a 180... BUT you and I both know that you are going to be advised that what you said IS pursuing.... it seems so counter-intuitive... but apparently it works. For me, i know my H has mentioned to someone that he just wants to be in love more than anything else and he just doesnt feel like he is now with me. So to me, I think OK! I just gotta show him how in love we can be and how we were! my H typically LOVES little trinkets of my my affection... so at first when he dropped the bomb, thats what I did... like most people... tried to profess my love for him... I even sent him an slide show that i made filled with nothing but pictures of us and i used lines from the poem he wrote for me when he proposed.... now, he did write me back and say thank you for that, it was really sweet...so i thought, SCORE!! but... things still went majorly downhill.... I also thought, ok let me just be honest with him and tell him all the things i agree with about what i know he didnt like about our M and I will tell him all things things i didnt like... and just be honest and he will see that I take this M seriously and I do care and I want to be happy just as much as he does..... still, did not get the affect that I thought..... so, as weird as it seems... there MUST be truth in the idea that we should not pursue at all... there is some psychology behind this and since we see that what we thought we should do is not working... we gotta try these things... I think i will be able to offer more perspective after the books arrive and after my H comes home and I can see some trials and errors... maybe u will get some different advise that what i said from some more experienced veterans.
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
Thanks, H4L! It feels better to have a clearer picture of what works and what doesn't. It also helped that my H and I had an honest conversation about his perception of my recent behavior compared to his perceived problems in our marriage.
I'm glad that YOU see what would have been a helpful 180 in your situation. I really thought that I was doing the right thing for several weeks, and like you, I only muddied communication and further frustrated an already frustrated H.
Thanks for your kind words. I look forward to hearing about your new methods!
