Can you explain more about the tantrum coming out of withdrawal?
As the MLC'er starts coming out of Withdrawal, they are really, and seriously, for the first time, beginning to see the damage they've caused, the hurt they've dealt out, but something within them "tries" to do a "going back" to how things were BEFORE; so, in their minds, they do NOT have to face what they've done.
On top of that, the LBS has changed, and it seems to be too much for the MLC'er; and he/she is busy trying to "reverse" the clock, when, in reality, it cannot be reversed.
There are many "triggers" that can set off this tantrum, but the biggest one is control issues within the MLC'er, and the fact that LBS has come far enough and changed enough in their own journey that things are NOT going back to what they were before..and it is a source of confusion for the MLC'er; as if they aren't confused enough.
They begin their demands,(it looks like the "spewing" they've done in the beginning; only it's a little different) and the LBS refuses to comply. The MLC'er has NO idea how to relate to this "new person" they see standing in front of them, and so, in a last ditch attempt; the tantrum/storm begins.
If the LBS backs down, and gives in, it begins a cycle; the MLC'er runs backwards into the last place they were before the door is shut, and the journey out begins again; with added time, right back to the point of the tantrum.
This is a battle of respect between the two; as the self respect of the LBS is tested sorely as never before, and the MLC'er is trying to get them to back down and give in to whatever it is they are demanding. It can be anything from the MLC'er refusing to tell the truth; to the LBS refusing to "go back" to what the MLC'er once knew, or even something that relates to what the LBS used to do, but won't do anymore. It can the smallest thing that will set them off into this.
At this point, they are STILL looking for outside sources to blame for their inability to look within. The tantrum, such as it, FORCES it all to a head, and they will blow up, looking like a small child who hasn't gotten what they want.
It's not unusual to see them throw things, yell and scream, and threaten to leave, take away their love for the LBS; anything to try and hurt the LBS further. If the LBS is at a time in their lives where the verbal threats do not hurt them, they can take this all in stride; allowing the MLC'er to "spin-out" completely.
You watch this, but don't take it personally..it's not YOU, it's THEM. No matter what's said/done, just watch, listen and validate their feelings, but don't back down.
This doesn't make any sense, I know, but the tantrum is necessary to begin to clear their heads, and cause the MLC'er to look even deeper within himself/herself; heading them toward the necessary changes that will bring them forward into the stage of Acceptance.
This storm, doesn't have a time limit and the MLC'er may run the gauntlet of things he/she is demanding before it breaks. When it breaks, however, there is a period of time they should spend in introspection, relative peace, how long, I have no idea, then the MLC'er breaks down and begins talking about what has happened within them; they may tell all or they may tell part of it..but they will talk. Or they should.
***On a side note*** My husband spent a week throwing his tantrum, but it was three weeks before he broke down and started talking to me about what he'd been experiencing on the inside.
He did not want to face what he'd done to me, and wanted me to let things go back to what they were before, and I was unwilling to do that. In the knowledge, I could lose him in this, I had progressed to the point of being willing to lose all in order to gain something better(I hoped) I was the catalyst or the trigger for his tantrum; my unwillingness to back down and return to what I was before; as the "small" thing that brought about a huge storm.
Each person/situation is different; I've known several MLC'ers that threw their tantrums; and in each circumstance, their heads cleared and they came forward..but it took time and more patience; just as it did in my own situation.
The past presence of OW seemed to have increased his agitation, and his unwillingness to tell the truth further caused him to get "way out there" with his tantrum.
I will say this: he has NEVER talked about her, do not know if he ever will..but the other issues that he faced WERE talked about after three weeks of introspection.
I hope this will help; you are welcome to post further questions on the subject.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
