I think my H is slowest moving MLCer in history. He has been moving toward me (...and then away...and then toward me) ever so slowly for at least 2 years now. Right now, I feel like we are in the same place we were when I gave him the deadline. Yes, he is busy (and scared) and I am busy but if we keep going on like this forever, we will be dead before he recommits. I thought the NC helped to push him forward but I’m not really seeing that right now. Any thought on how long I should let things go on like this?
That would be up to you, Upside. It is common for a MLC'er to "move back and forth" as he moves closer to the final stage of Acceptance.
He is probably NOT the slowest moving MLC'er; but I don't know anyone who was any slower. You MAY be in the same place you were when you gave him the first deadline; what's important now is to move beyond that time. What is different between now and that last time?
Something to think about: I saw things that were SO similar as we came back around to the point we'd been before, but was able to see a mistake I'd made previously,(pushing hard, etc) that had set things back, and avoided making that same mistake so things would move past that same point.
I know you're having troubles with patience and waiting; but it seems that when you move on with your life totally, AS IF he's not coming back, that's when the most movement occurs.
At least he's talking about getting past his depression before moving back...my husband would NOT admit that he even HAD a problem; even as he moved forward. He wouldn't get counseling, nothing. There are quite a few things they have to work out within themselves; IC could help, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, it is STILL up to the MLC'er to work them out inside, getting answers they are looking for. That may also be the reason for lack of communication; I'd bet you've seen some odd looks in his eyes, the indication he's looking inside for answers...to me, it looked like "puppy dog" eyes..they seem to get bigger when they are looking within. And they don't talk much when this is happening..the train of thought they are on is a deep one.
You'll know most of what he's faced when he talks to you about it, and he will when he's ready.
In my own experience, there came a time in this that I just let go, totally, moving right along, and almost forgot he was there...THAT was when he ended up walking on my heels(not in a literal sense), and startled me.
I had stopped watching him so much; and somehow managed to get on with it; stopping all the worrying about where he was and when he was going to come on and join me.
Before I reached that point, I was on edge and anxious, worried, and starting to get angry. I was at the end of my patience, or so I thought. I guess what I really did was give up completely, letting go to let the Lord work; I was tying His hands as I was interfering more with the situation than I'd thought.
I moved forward myself; treating him more like a friend of mine than anything else; and didn't really spend anymore time "waiting" on him. He was already back to telling me he loved me; but everything was not "back" at that point.
I remember finally thinking "Lord if this is meant to be, please help to bring him forward, if not, help me to do what I need to do at a later time." And I made myself just let go, keeping ALL expectations at zero...just going on with my life. I wasn't waiting anymore, I was moving forward, and actually felt much better about it.
Keep us posted; and don't give up, Upside, just let go.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
