Thank you allen for the questions to ask the therapists. I agree with how some of these therapists get away with murder. I too am like your wife with my car. I ONLY go to one dealership to have my car worked on so I need and will take the same care with my marriage.
I don't know why people are so casual about selecting a FT, I think its becuase its a stressful thing to have to deal with... a lot more personal so they just want to get it overwith... guessing but that may be part of it
Originally Posted By: 4luv
I am not sure how I am doing in regards to DBing my husband. Of course I can't tell if affair with him and OW have slowed down. Last weekend when husband was here I saw his phone and OW had called three times. Two times he didn't answer but he answered the third call. She also sent him a text which said "You are REAL SLICK!!" I don't want to read into it but husband told me that he hadn't talked to her in a while. He said that he just cut everything off with her and any body else.
Well, this info isn't too informative either way... Not sure at all what REAL SLICK is supposed to mean... Your husband is lying obviously, but he likley thinks lying to you will hurt less than telling you the truth.. You may want to casually mention to him that HE"S WRONG
Originally Posted By: 4luv
I spent a few hours yesterday on the phone with husband helping him with a job application. When I realized how long we were on the phone I said "wow, how long have we been on the phone? I have to go soon." Husband replied, "we haven't been on the phone this long in a LONG time! guess you figure if I didn't need help with this application I wouldn't be on the phone with you this long, huh?" I told him, I wasn't saying it like that just realized that time was flying by and I had some things to do.
He's still willing to interact with you, but again he needs that strong parental influence I think.. its still missing...
Originally Posted By: 4luv
Then husband went on to tell me that he was looking forward to moving into his apartment because it is a place that is finally HIS! He said that I probably won't understand but what he was missing was that chance to have his own place, nice and clean and to have people over to admire and see how he lives. He doesn't have to share his place and can put his things where he wants to put them. He then said that "maybe it won't be all that I think it will be and maybe I do need to grow up, but this is what I feel that I want."
Well, this is his private escape, it won't last, its just another infatuation... a childish one...
He has this idea that escaping adulthood and fighting to remain childlike and irresponsible is BETTER for him... he has this idea that growing up is SURRENDERING somehow...
I actually have some homework for you...
There's a film that came out in 1996 called Beautiful Girls... with Matt Dillon, Uma Thurman, and a few other talents I can't name right now... but I think this would be VERY EDUCATIONAL for you to understand whre your husband is coming from... rent that and watch it when you can.. it runs about 100 mins.. not an overly long film.. very educational for you i think.
Originally Posted By: 4luv
So after husband says all this I just said that I can see why he feels that way even if I don't completely understand.
Hm.... Not sure what to say about all of this... This is a KEY PHRASE in there that you need to be aware of, if he says it again I would call him on it :
"but this is what I feel that I want"
He's basically saying
I feel like doing x x is what i should do
This is a false claim
Drug addicts use this raesoning, children use this reasoning, criminals use this reasoning
Here's a quote from Phil McGraw to challenge taht.... you may want to write your own version of it to hand to him if he starts touting how important acting on how he feels is :
Be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about you and what feels good for you in the moment. If you are married and have children, you have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good.
Originally Posted By: 4luv
However, what I really do not get is how at one moment husband is "sad" that his actions drove his family away but then he is looking to the future with himself living in his own apartment as the best thing since slice bread. Like he is looking forward to his new independence! Its like he said, sometimes he wants to be married and sometimes he doesnt. He also said yesterday that the one thing that makes him think that living on his own won't be that great is that he won't get to see our son everyday and that isn't the type of father he wanted to be but oh well what can I do...life goes on :-( (yes, he said oh well to not seeing son everyday).
It's another childish escape... he doens't want to grow up... so he's creating escapes for him to HIDE OUT in... he keeps doing for what makes HIM feel better in teh SHORT TERM... he's a SHORT TERM THINKER...
Keep him away from teh stock market and casinos too...
I don't know ANYONE who loves being married 100% of the time... but he has children, he's got responsabilities...
You have likely noticed, but its worth noting... He is repeating the same pattern as his father...
HE is going to be as ABSENT in his son's life as his father is in his own... unless he sucks it up and acts like a man very soon...
In my opinion he needs a strong male influence educated in how to act like a MAN.. he needs that so bad it bleeds off the computer screen
