My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

thanks, everyone.

you have all helped me to reframe this in a far less "grieving" way. most of what you have said has occurred to me--but not all at once, and not coming from objectivity, as you have provided.

ALL that I ever had in common with his family was...family. They were not folks I'd have sought out to be friends with; one SIL just kind of negative and whiny (altho she had both parents, a very good marriage, 3 healthy kids and a million dollar home). We could always chat--but only about our kids. The other SIL was pleasant and as a physician, we had some things in common--but she grew up very wealthy and I certainly did not so we had little life experience that was similar at all. The BIL's were the strong, silent type--and very very...ummm, Republican. Wealthy, self-made, and quite unwilling to share resources I'd have spread around under the circumstances. In fact one of them once said something downright cruel and I got up and left the table because it was very pointed at our lack of wealth. Those two families had much in common, but far less so with us.

And the parent-in-law--wow, they're real pieces of work. Relatively normal when I met them 20 years ago, but increasingly emotionally immature and negative; many family gatherings got unpleasant because of FIL's sense of entitlement and underlying anger at life. MIL is probably fairly intellectually limited; wonderful with the grands when they were little, but could never see them as any older than kindergarten age--even as adults. And for the past 10 years at least, all we could discuss was my work schedule (she never seemed to remember that I no longer worked night shift--10 years later) and her latest foray to WalMart. Nice, kind lady, but tremendously anxiety ridden and with a world that never really extended beyond her front door.

I do really miss my nieces and nephews, and apparently some of them miss me too. Perhaps those relationships can come back around as they get older.

I'm feeling much less of a need to be "heard" (and I wouldn't necessarily be heard anyway), and far more like--as DQ put it so wisely--they're part of my past, we shared some wonderful things but those days are past.

I'm in a much better space right now, thanks to your wisdom--I appreciate you all!