flowmom | need to commit to myself

[Vulcanized]

(((flowmom)))

I'm sorry. I know it's hard. Somehow, tho, it does get better.

[givingitmyall]

Flowmom,

There is nothing wrong with your feelings. Feelings are never wrong, they just ARE. Take a few days to process them, but don't act on them until you give it a couple of days.

Try focusing on you and the kids. What is lacking in your life right now? Can you fill that need with something else, something healthy?

I know it hurts. I think we ALL do b/c we've been through it. The best advice I got when I was in the worst of it was that it DOES get better (it does) and that I only had to make it through one day at a time. So, have faith that it will get better no matter what and focus only on the present - not the past or the future.

And post here often. Vent, complain, whatever. It helps getting it out and just knowing there are others out there (who you don't even know) who have been through it and know what you are feeling. You aren't alone.

[Cadet]

I am a little late to this thread but I just wanted to add something that caught my eye.

Originally Posted By: pigskin
Your husband hasn't filed or mentioned divorce recently, so that is a positive thing to build on.

He definitely has a legal strategy and he's following it. I'm assuming that that's part of his strategy (not rushing me when I'm clearly not ready).

I do not believe your H has a legal strategy. His strategy is depression.
Confusion = MLC

It causes most people to not think clearly or rationally. And yes you probably have some signs of it also. The AD's are more than likely a good idea. Or at least some sort of alternative herbs(St. John's Wort) You can also look into alternative forms of things for ADHD as there are many thing including diet that can help.

I can also suggest that you join an organization called CHADD or at least look at their website. This could help with your self and your son.

Overall FM you do seem to be doing good. Remember there are no quick fixes to this. It is a marathon not a sprint and you need to conserve your energy for the whole race!

[newmama]

So, have faith that it will get better no matter what and focus only on the present - not the past or the future.

This is totally I how I am coping! It is actually LESS stressful to focus on present only even though it is challenging at first.

Remember there are no quick fixes to this. It is a marathon not a sprint and you need to conserve your energy for the whole race!

repeat to self 5x day or as needed.

But also praise yourself each day on things you accomplished for yourself and kids, and how you are using your willpower to not file for D but it is always your perogative. I like knowing it's in my back pocket.

[Gardener]

fm,
Ramble away. But you're not just rambling to yourself; you're rambling to all of us. And we each benefit in some way from others' venting on this site.

Today I just feel like giving up.

I don't blame you. We've all been there multiple times. Know the terrain quite well by now, myself. Shake it off or indulge in it, feel it for a time, pity-party away and then get back on track!

You win H. You have your home, your freedom, your sex life, your image,

But no dignity, integrity or decency on that list. Hmm... That must be what you brought into the equation.

My new life is uncomfortable, lonely, desolate, and confusing.

Oh, God, do I hear this! But it's not your life that is so. It's your current life situation. Not your life. Keep 'em separate in your mind. Because they are.

I still have the compass but I've lost the map.

And did I need to hear this, today! Perfect! This goes into my uplifting/insightful quotes book! Might even be bedroom mirror or refrigerator material. Love it.. Thank you.

Also,

The Journey From Abandonment To Healing by Susan Anderson. Hoosiermama recommended it and I got it. It is really good. Very helpful and hopeful.

Hang in there today.

[rockedworld]

Flowmom,
I just want to encourage you that I truly believe YOU are not being rejected, as a person. I know it feels that way. I struggled so much with that. But, through my recent counseling I am finally getting to understand on a deep, core, gut level that it wasn't about me. He is rejecting his perception of you and M, and in a very real sense, he is acutally rejecting himself.

I don't know if that helps... I know I wasnt ready to see it that way for a long time. But, it is really helping me now to release some of the pain.

You are amazingly strong ((flowmom)). You will find your way through this.

[Gardener]

Rocked, you are so right.
Early on, post-bomb ("oh, what have I done wrong?, What have I done that I've been left for?") due to all the illogic, the non-sense of it, I realized:

This isn't about me.
This isn't about the marriage or relationship.
This is about her.

[givingitmyall]

Rocked,

That is a GREAT point.

[hoosiermama]

The Journey From Abandonment To Healing by Susan Anderson. Hoosiermama recommended it and I got it. It is really good. Very helpful and hopeful.

Glad you're finding it helpful.

What flowmom is describing is discussed in the book as "internalizing the rejection." It's a necessary step in the process of healing--and it's temporary. Just as there are identifiable stages of grief after a death or many other losses, there's also an identifiable journey thru stages of grief after being left by someone you love. For me, it's been extremely helpful to know that while I periodically revisit the "internalizing" stage, that my thoughts and feelings while I am there will pass, and are part of my own internal processing--and not necessarily "reality." WE are not defective, "less than," worthless just because we may have been told that. Eventually you'll get in touch with your anger and rage and that energy will carry you away from this negative self-perception. This stage is a way of "embracing the suck," grasping how much our world has changed in a way we didn't want it to. And if we don't want to come back to this stage over and over and over for the rest of our lives, we have to feel this awful pain in order to move out of it again.

I hope that is helpful--and hopeful!

[Gardener]

flowmom,

To repeat: Get this book!

And listen to hoosiermama. The woman knows of what she speaks!