OK, you don't need to TELL him, but even staying silent may tell him what he needs to know...
HUSBAND : So... What's wrong?
Wife just looks at him stone-faced --
HUSBAND : OK... I guess I'd better go...
Husband stares at the floor for a second, turns around slowly and drags his feet out the door.
-----
That COULD work too...
If you DO want to TELL him what's wrong... write it out ahead of time, do NOT let your impulses chose your words.. think it through ahead so you say something constructive...
My main concern is that you keep a consistent message
1. That something IS wrong 2. That you want your marriage 3. That he CAN do something to improve it
THOSE are the three pressure points you want to keep hitting him with... you've been doing great so far.
Seen H last night and I think I did very well. When he came to get kids, he told me that the divorce paper work is done, but he didn't file them. He said his L said he can wait as long as he wants. He asked me if I wanted to see them, and I said no. I didn't get emotional, and yes he tried to bait me. Here is a summary of the convo:
H: I don't want a D, I just don't know if it will work between us M: Sorry you feel that way H: I feel like you just want me back so you can hurt me again to get revenge M: Sorry, but that is not true H: I just want my old life back, when we were happy M: I believe we can have that again H: I know you and you hold crudges, and will resent me forever, that is why it won't work between us. M: I'm sorry you feel that way. Through this ordeal, I have realized what is important to me, and that is my family which includes you. H: I just don't know what to do, I'm so confused and lost M: I better go, I don't want to be late, see ya!!!
I did this all without crying, which I think confused him even more. Please advice, on if I said the right things. For once I finally just listened. There was a lot more said by him, but not much more from me. He was really trying to open up to me I think.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I think you did very well! Continue to be consistent and he will probably open up even more. At then end of your conversation you cut him off which was good and showed you GAL but maybe next time you can agree with him.
H: I just don't know what to do, I am so confused and lost. you: So am I which is why I have been seeing a FT. (then maybe leave the card around the house for husband to see).
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Thank you, I think one time I did agree with him. He kept repeating "I just don't know how to get back together..." At one time I think I said "I'm not sure either, but I think if we work together and do therapy we can figure it out".
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
ok that is good mb28. I am trucking along with you and based on what Allen has been posting one thing is that we are the ADULTS and right now our husbands are like children. They need an adult example to follow. So mb28 I really believe that your husband will be coming around VERY soon...he is walking through the fog NOW!! What you can be doing is SHOWING your husband how an ADULT handles confusion in life...by seeing and talking to a QUALIFIED professional.
Therefore, you should start your own individual sessions BEFORE husband even agrees to going with you together. You start therapy and then husband will see you dealing with your confusion in an ADULT manner. This will spark his curiosity and continue to leave your therapist card around for husband to see when he comes over.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
I was seeing an IC, but stopped about 2 weeks ago. It was the C that me and my H went to when we first split up. My H didn't like her at all. And the last couple times I seen her, she really seemed to lean towards there is no hope for us because my H is having an A, and she said that M usually never recover from that. So I decided not to go back to her.
As soon as I can get into a good FT, that is what I'm going to do. I need someone who is pro-M. And I will use Allens advice to find me one.
My H is going back to the psycologist that he seen last week. He said he really likes her. I told him that I got the impression that she was leaning towards D. He said NO, that she told him that D is a choice. And that most of the session was about his issues, not our M. He did say last night, that he agrees we will need FT if and when he decides he wants to work it out.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I would try Shannon McQuade if she is close by... Its at the same place as your H's so that may help too...
Give her a chance at least...
The first FT you had was a moron sorry, anyone that just tells you outright if there's an affair involved to give up they are idiots... MANY marriages THRIVE after affairs if they do the work...
Your IC was just ignorant and tossing negativity at you...
If your H asked me I wouldn't tell him D is "a choice" I woudl tell him
"Divorce is THE LAST RESORT... EVERY other possible avenue for reconcilliation should be TRIED with 100% commitment before even TALKING to a lawyer"
Telling a WS that "divorce is a chioce" legitimizes that escape and more or less tells them its OK.. to a WS, divorce is a choice means "GO FOR IT"
NO counselor should be sharing ANY negative toughts that will DRIVE HOPE AWAY from you... NEVER accept that.
It's a scandal that they get paid to give crap advice like that... but they do get away with it every day...
There are bad mechanics for cars out there too... its not just FT that's messed up
