I agree w/ Sandi's advice...the retrieving items from different rooms might be something to avoid...I can remember doing that as well.
Sorry to hear about FIL...it's sad that they have divorced as i think that will only put a damper on your sitch as far as a family wanting and hoping to keep a family together.
I got the same thing from MIL who was widowed at 45 and then remarried and divorced in a month a few years later...she's not the best ally in my sitch.
You mentioned having surprised her w/ a visit from her father- here's the key- you cannot do anything to impress her...do it b/c you want to, when you do and you guage her for her response it might set you back.
Good job w/ the "no big deal attitude" when W agreed then changed her mind.
That was a huge set back for me and could have cost me everything in my sitch- my problem was I had quit posting here when things were going pretty good. I was flying blind.
1. As maynard has pointed out, you are NOT inviting father to dinner to IMPRESS your wife... you need to STOP looking for anything positive right now, its going to make you ANXIIOUS and your wife will feed off that... just DO IT.
2. Do NOT invite him to your HOME, take him to a neutral location where your wife cannot interfere. Do this with everyone.. you do NOT want your wife interfering...
3. Do NOT ask your wife what she wants for dinner or if she wants a dinner. YOu simply prepare it for her, or buy it and LEAVE it on the table... do NOT pursue. ASKING her if she WANTS dinner is PURSUIT... just buying one and leaving it there is NOT. It's just courtesy, she WILL sense the difference.
4. Do NOT invite your wife to the darn movies.. that is PURSUIT. You can rent a film and watch it, if she JOINS you that's great, but do NOT INVITE her ANYWHERE.. THAT is PURSUIT. You want to look like an ADULT here, not a love struck teenager.
You are doing good, keep monitoring her actitivty with OM, I don't think its over yet... that was tooooooo easy.
PROTECT her indirectly as a Husband should from predators, but do NOT purusue her outright.
Keep an eye on the OM, that affair bust was way too easy... I don't think its over yet.. keep VERY close tabs on that guy.
I had the same problem in my home, I was TOLD it was over, and I thought it was, so I got complacent, for three months they were runing around behind my back and lying to me... I felt like a complete idiot.
1. As maynard has pointed out, you are NOT inviting father to dinner to IMPRESS your wife... you need to STOP looking for anything positive right now, its going to make you ANXIIOUS and your wife will feed off that... just DO IT.
2. Do NOT invite him to your HOME, take him to a neutral location where your wife cannot interfere. Do this with everyone.. you do NOT want your wife interfering...
3. Do NOT ask your wife what she wants for dinner or if she wants a dinner. YOu simply prepare it for her, or buy it and LEAVE it on the table... do NOT pursue. ASKING her if she WANTS dinner is PURSUIT... just buying one and leaving it there is NOT. It's just courtesy, she WILL sense the difference.
4. Do NOT invite your wife to the darn movies.. that is PURSUIT. You can rent a film and watch it, if she JOINS you that's great, but do NOT INVITE her ANYWHERE.. THAT is PURSUIT. You want to look like an ADULT here, not a love struck teenager.
You are doing good, keep monitoring her actitivty with OM, I don't think its over yet... that was tooooooo easy.
Follow this ^^^^ EXACTLY!!!
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Inviting the FIL to dinner was something I had done and it failed. We also went out to his home for dinner. After talking to him from the heart about the whole situation a few times already, it has not and I don't think it will ever get me anywhere good.
My wife had text me a short while ago asking if the OMW called me anymore. I replied "No"
Then I called OMW and asked her to check the phone calls to see if they exchanged new phone numbers. OMW also told me that OM called her a few times today but she did not answer. He was crying and apologizing.
The more I talk to OMW the more other things about what had gone on make sense. It appears my wife is heavily influenced by this OM that she would often repeat to me (direct to me) things he had said about his wife. My wife has become very naive.
I am trying to put out so many fires here. From the past to this OM and the "bond" she thinks they share.
The OM said to his FIL that he would quit his job just to save his family.
I also found out my wife has female friends at work who are committing infidelity in their marriages. My wife is so vulnerable right now she may think it is OK t do what she is doing.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Also, I failed to mention the text messages are something I would consider a routine, she always did that so its not sarcastic.
I also wanted to know if the OM telling my wife "You husband loves you, work it out your problems, give him a chance" will that push my W further from me? due to underlying relationship issues or do you think she will just attach on to another person if not him?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
1. Your wife has an attachment to this guy 2. He tells her GO back to your HUSBAND, work on your marriage
Result
a. HE looks like a HERO b. YOU look like a SHMUCK
Do NOT let this guy talk to your wife at ALL.. tell him AGAIN with your buddies present as influence to KNOCK off the phone calls to your wife.
Tell him you don't CARE what he was calling for or what he told her, you want NO CONTACT to be made to your wife...
VERY SIMPLE... ZERO contact... He is disrespecting you and insulting you.. you need to hammer down on him and get some of your buddies to go with you... a guy with two or three OTHER guys with him looks a LOT mroe intimidating. Got it?
Your wife is giong to want you LESS and LESS with this creep calling her... wahtever he says, its going to do DAMAGE... he can't help your situation, he's compromised himself now...
IGNORE your wife's claims to having a bond with him, its called infatuation and it DOES fade away... you just need to get her OFF the drug of this affair and walking the straght and narrow again.
OK, if your FIL will not work with you, that's fine. Find someone who CAN influence her that WILL work with you, tha'ts your homework for the week.
When your wife asks you if OMW called you, the answer is not "no"... Tell her outright
"I am going to keep in contact with her until I know thier marriage is on safer ground.. OM has no business getting involved with you in secret and hurting his wife like that... I am NOT disclosing any private business about US, I am just doing what I can to help repair any damage we may have caused over there by checking in on her... you are more than welcome to sit in on any calls I make... "
Do NOT let your wife police YOU from taling to OMW, she WILL TRY to get you to back off... do NOT back off...
Be OPEN about what you are doing to set an example to her... do a phone call to OMW every three days, even do a speakerphone if you want, so your wife can hear...
Just check in with her, ask her if OM is doing better, etc... The MORE you get INVOLVED in helping her marriage, the more HE looks like an ASS and YOU look like a HERO...
Don't violate OM and OMW's privacy by getting too specific, but check to make sure everything is on the straight and narrow... do NOT do this in secret from your wife... she knows you are talking to her, so don't HIDE it, when YOU hide stuff, your WIFE will follow suit.. NO HIDING anything... got it?
do NOT let OM talk to your wife.. EVER
If your wife makes an issue of you talking to OMW tell him you have NO ROMANTIC interst in her and you are NOT sharing any private information and tell your wife she is welcome to sit in on the calls at any time.
I will start following advice in a more strict manner. As of right now and since this all began (our issues) she sleeps a lot. She is sleeping as I type this. All she does is go to work (enjoys herself) comes home, mopes, takes a bath then sleeps. She told me yesterday after this confrontation she is just counting down the days till she can leave.
Today, for the first time, I will go grocery shopping without her and just let her once again sleep the day away.
Do I ignore this behavior?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
