How do I act?

[Surviving03]

I finally figured out how to link my story in my signature! yay me! well anyways... my life has been taken over by these blogs, all I do is sit here and read everybody's stories for hours. I wish I could offer advise but I dont feel like im in the position to do so yet. I orderd both DR and DB, but since I live overseas I doubt they will get here before my husband comes home from Iraq (march 18). I am debating calling in for a phone session, I guess I am too cheap right now to put up the money for it. I am so nervous I am going to be without a job soon if my husband sends me back to the states.

For anyone reading my story, does it even make any sense?? Thats whats so hard for me, I cant wrap my head around any of it. I just feel so blind sided and I just cant quite put my finger on how this happened. I go back and re-read some old letters and emails my H sent me while he has been deployed, and I just cannot believe that a couple weeks of arguing led to THIS! and he had said to me that he feels that even tho we love eachother, he just feels like we both are not satisfied with how our marriage was going (NOT true!) I had said to him a couple times when we were fighting and he was driving me crazy that if he was going to act like this then i didnt want him to come home! I know that is a terrible thing to say to someone who is off in a war zone... but i was so annoyed... i obviously regret that now but he knows how much I love him and want to be with him. The things he has said to try to explain why he wants a divorce have just been all over the place.... first it was that we fight too much and he doesnt want to be in an unhappy marriage and realize it down the road and end up with a broken family, then he said he just feels like he wants to make his own decisions in life (i.e. getting out of the military or not, what to do after he gets out the military, go out with his friends) and not have to worry about who his decisions are affecting and he cant me happy until he is happy, and then I love you but I havent been in love with you for awhile, to I just feel in my heart that we arent the people who can make eachother happy, to we got married for the wrong reasons and just went thru the motions, to well IF my feelings change when i get home then i wont fight it but I cant promise they will change, to no more contact. But its so crazy because up until this point, we have been MADLY in love... we were still newly weds and we certainly acted like it.

One thing I havent mentioned so far is that when my husband first was telling me about the issues in our marriage he was having he told me that it kinda started after he had been talking to his daughters mother and they were kinda reminiscing on some old times and it happened to be in the midst of our fighting and it just got him remembering how easy breezy his relationship was with her and he didnt understand why we couldnt be like that. They supposedly never fought, just were friends and had fun all the time. They ended up growing apart because of his job in the military and she didnt want that life style, she is now happily married to another man. The difference between that relationship and ours is that we are MARRIED they never were, they were together in HIGH SCHOOL and shorty afterwards, there is an entirely different set of stressors in those two scenarios, of COURSE they didnt argue like we do!

I really believe that this only came about because he is in a stressful environment and had all the time in the world to think think and think and convinced himself that we are not happy. Which is why I am hopeful that when he comes home he may see things different, but he is so stubborn and because of all the bombarment he has been getting, I just dont know what he is gonna do. And the fact that he completely stopped talking to me... well I dont know what to think of that.