Hello little miss...I was just wondering about you earlier today. I'm up late tonight so I decided to get on-line and here's your update!
OK I'll hold your hand...
First off, remember that I truly do understand the complete intoxication of that rush of feelings that comes with being pursued. I understand fantasizing that somehow, I am "the one" for some man (there were many fantasies of this sort in my life) and that somehow, I am just so dang special that some man who is pursuing me will make me his own...will make me feel as special as I know I am...will somehow prove to me and the world that I am worthy of all the love I deserve...
Only I kept forgetting that if the man I was fantasizing about was actually not available, that it doesn't matter how special I am, it doesn't matter if he thinks he "loves" me, it doesn't matter if he is pursuing me...the fact of the matter was, it just wasn't ever going to happen in that beautiful, mature, organic way its supposed to. And that's the ONLY way it can happen and really mean anything, or really last.
This Mr. Unavailable man is smitten with you, yes, that's true. But who cares? It really doesn't mean anything.
I know you're coming along to learn this, but just get it into your head right now straight up - - IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
Of course you want love and passion and all the other bells and whistles, but its also got to mean something to you AND to him.
What do you mean to him, to Mr. Unavailable?
You mean a distraction from whatever his marital issues are. You being in his life will keep him from facing those issues. I've been on both sides of that drama so many times and...well, it just doesn't go anywhere. Well, it does go somewhere...it goes straight to hell, and very quickly. And eventually you both end up back in the same place, only much time has been wasted.
I would love to recommend a book to you, its called Mars and Venus on a Date.
It is by John Gray, the writer of all the Mars Venus books. The reason I really liked that particular book and why I suggest it for you, is that it really explains how men think when it comes to dating and finding and picking a mate (or even just a date). It explains how at first, a man is simply attracted to you, and he will suddenly "feel" things for you and will come at you with pursuit. A woman will mistakenly think that his pursuit "means something". She will believe that it means he wants more, he wants a relationship with her. But usually (sorry guys, this is not a slam on you) it usually only means he wants to be physically intimate with you, and that's all. The man will suddenly be supplied by his natural male intuition with all the right words to say, and at the moment he says them, he actually believes that he means them. But then once he "catches" you (in varying degrees, sometimes by bedding you, sometimes by just dating you, sometimes by convincing you that he is right for you), he just as suddenly loses interest in you. Why? Because he was simply following his natural male urges to get physically closer to you but...if its not "right", truly "right" between you, then it will fade out as quickly as it started. Usually the woman is then left wondering WTF just happened. She thought he must have been very into her, in order to say all those things, in order to pursue her so hard. She then, because of his pursuit, fell for him, and when he snaps out of it and stops pursuing, she is left feeling like crap.
BUT...if a man is really right for you, his pursuit will not stop. In fact, it will go on forever and ever. A man who is right for you and truly loves you will be compelled to pursue you until the end of time. There is a bit of maintenance the woman has to do to keep his game of pursuit in play...but it will feel natural and she will naturally keep him coming after her...but only if its RIGHT.
By right I don't mean morally right, I don't mean socially right. I mean at the spiritual level, it will be right. Love will not be maintained if all isn't "right". It will quickly fade into sort of a "meh" feeling, for one or both of you. Love is only turned on by itself, and can only be given and received in the right atmosphere. You can only trick yourself for a short amount of time to feel love when things aren't right. Yes you can feel it, but it won't last, and it will actually cause you harm to feel love that isn't right.
The book goes into so many facets of the dating and pursuit side of love. It explains so many things about men that you will likely have light bulbs popping off over your head as you read it. And I recommend it to you because not only will you learn so much about men, you will also learn about yourself. You will learn why you feel compelled to start chasing a man when he stops pursuing you, and why you absolutely should NOT do it, NOT EVER. It also explains why, if a man is really physically hot to you right off the bat, you should actually avoid that type of man. You should find a man who turns you on mentally first. There are reasons for this, its not just speculation. Its all in the book, and if you do get it and read it, it will give you something to focus on while you get Mr. Unavailable out of your system.
Another point here is that you really sound as if you need to value yourself a bit higher. You need to realize that you are going to be someone's jewel, and that man will provide the setting in which you can shine. And for that man, making you shine will be what makes HIM happy. Its not all about being treated like a goddess or put on a pedastal. Its about a natural give and take between the sexes which provides both with what makes them happy. But first...you have to know that you have this value within you for that right man, when ever you find him. He will literally move mountains to be with you. He will never stop his pursuit of you. And your happiness will be what he measures his own success by. Isn't that nice? Its not just a pipe dream, either. Its really how it happens, when things happen in the right order, at the right pace, and obviously, when both parties are actually available. :0)
I know you feel you are letting yourself down ethically, and on the surface, that is how it would appear. But its not really ethics, its your own love within you knowing you are never going to find what you are looking for where you are looking. Because first of all, you have to see that worth in yourself. How can a man see it if you don't? If you only think you are worthy of a bit of a married man's time when he can steal it from his family, then of course you aren't going to get the whole package you deserve.
It is not conceded to say "I am worthy of meeting the man of my dreams, who is going to make me happy for the rest of my life". You DESERVE this, and the love within you knows it, even if you don't know it yet. However, the love within you will NOT accept less than that, which is why it feels like an ethical dilemma to your mind. Intellectually, you can't "feel" what your love is trying to tell you. Your heart feels a pang of sadness at the possible loss of yet another possible love...but your heart also will not let you go too far down this rabbit hole, which is why your mind is now alerted "stop! This isn't right!" The mind and heart sometimes have confusion in communicating to one another (and then throw the physical needs of your body in there and its one big confusing mess), but just stick with us...we'll hold your hand.
There is also a Mars Venus message board. If you find it and sign up, there are lots of really great women over there who give great advice to others about how to really stay away from hopeless situations, and how to nurture and foster GOOD dating situations. The site is kinda yucky in some ways, such as there are lots of ads, and there is a pop up ad that lasts for 30 seconds that you have to endure if you want to keep reading, and that kinda annoys me. But it might be interesting for you to check out.
One more thing...isn't there any man who IS available who may be right under your nose, maybe someone you haven't even thought of, someone who may have a crush on you but you didn't really pay him much attention...at work or near your home or...anywhere? Just asking because women frequently will not notice a man like this when she is in the middle of some kind of unavailable flirt-fest. She will look right past him because she is focused on being pursued by the other thing going on in her life. Maybe you have overlooked someone who is actually really ready to pursue you, who is available and who is truly interested in you?
