Went out and got a little drunk. Today is our 5th anniversary. Reality is: moving into new apt all week.
Talked to mutual friend (MF) last night. MF has been my friend longer than H's. However, MF is the only person (other than OW???) H has been talking to, so I haven't spoken to MF since pre-bomb.
Apprise MF of sitch w/H & talk of suicide. Tell MF that once all my $hit is out next week, I'm done, can't have any contact w/H for 'a while'. Since MF is H's ally, don't want to get into my exact plan of NC. MF telling me that H would never commit suicide, and how they discussed our mutual friend committing suicide last summer and how angry they both were about it. MF says 'I hate him and will never forgive him for that'. Goes on to say that H said the exact same thing. Tell MF that H said 'Maybe X had the right idea'. This was the statement that chilled me to the core, and thought that H was serious, and not just trying to garner attention.
MF goes on to say that H doesn't talk w/him in specifics, but just comes by daily to be 'cheered up'. Tell MF that I don't want to talk about anything other that H threatening suicide. MF goes on to say 'We are dudes, we say dumb $hit, to maximize hurtful during fight'. I let slip that the only people that H talks to are him & GF. MF is stunned, denies H has GF. Tell MF that H does in fact have GF, but that is not the point of the call.
Tell MF that somebody needs to keep close eye on H, and since GF doesn't really know H, it has to be him. MF says 'H doesn't know if you really love him. H is really hurt and angry.'
Want to pound my head into the wall. I am really 'hurt and angry' too. There is nothing lovable, yet alone likable about H, hasn't been for over 6 months, and yet I think, due to my actions, I've shown H a whole f*&k-ton of unconditional love.
Today was our 5th anniversary. I spent the day at work, giving my regs a fun happy hour, w/no indication of my own personal B.S. The bartender has a perfect life, with absolutely no personal problems - party all the time!!! Inwardly, I wanted to crawl into a hole & die.
All I wanted to do was come home, crawl onto the couch w/H and say 'I know we're done, but just tonight, hold me close'. Come home and H is sound asleep. Fuss over dog, and kiss H on the forehead. H slept thru it. And now, here I sit.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
