Holy Crap! Didn't expect THIS!

[ClingingToHope]

I avoid even looking in W's eyes anymore. The only time we're together is with the kids and she acts so happy. Now, it could be an act but I can't tell.

All I see is steely resolve. I was thinking though that things have been really easy for her so far. It'll be interesting as the actual D gets going.

[Trixi]

Now that, is the best thing I've ever heard for you, Trixi. I'm very happy for you

Thanks Dom. I just hope it sticks. Tomorrow might be an interesting litmus (sp?) test. Stepson is coming over to see the MS specialist. I am curious as to how H will tell him about "us". (or if he will.)

I asked if he was nervous about telling the roommates and he said no, not really, but he also was trying to find the right moment to say something. :\

H is most nervous about telling his parents; but kind of not. I know I was nervous to tell my mom, and at first she wasn't keen on it (still isn't probably) but she handled it okay.

@Kalni- I have followed your story this whole time. When you discovered the affair it was heart wrenching. The lameness of these men can be astounding!

@CTH- if my H ever had steely resolve I wouldn't have lasted.

[ClingingToHope]

Trixi, I'm trying to match her resolve. That's hard for me. I crumble when I see her. I spent two hours sitting next to her for D11's play. I'd look over and remember when I used to be able to hold her hand.

I hope your story ends up better than mine.

[Trixi]

CTH, I should probably clarify something. There were a few times when he would be cold towards me and act like he was happy-go-lucky and that I was inconsequential. Those times just killed me. But soon enough, he would be reaching out again.

I remembered when we were driving stepson to rehab facility and the rain was POURING down. We had just a week or two before that said that we were probably moving forward with a divorce, so I was trying to act all cavalier during the drive. But the roads were dangerous; the passes ended up being shut down. The 2.5 hour drive changed into an 8 hour drive because we had to take the long way; and then we were stuck on the other side of the mountains for a couple days....anyway, while I was driving, I was very scared because I was hydroplaning and visability was crap. My H took my hand and held it and also rubbed my shoulders while I drove. It was those moments that made me feel like there was a certain "something" between us...gee, my story doesn't help you..... I think my point was that just because someone presents a good front, doesn't mean that's how they feel inside.

[ClingingToHope]

I hear you Trixi. I've never been able to read W all that well. I can tell when she's really down about work. Otherwise, the steely resolve could be a front for uncertainty.

I'd like to think there's at least some inner turmoil about throwing away a 15 year relationship -- the only relationship she's had longer than 3 months.

But Dottie the DB counselor and a lot of the sitches I've read on here indicate it's a long, long time, 18 months to two years, before anything might -- might -- change.

In W's case, there's stuff going on that I know is weighing on her. This is the time of year she has to do lots of reviews at work. Summer break is coming up. I always planned and made sure the summer stuff with the girls was paid for. She mentioned camps once in November and I haven't heard much since.

Taking care of the house -- it's a double lot with hills so mowing is a bear -- is all on her for the second straight year. Last year, when I left, I'd paid off the summer and was giving her much more money than I am now until July so she was feeling flush.

Now she's broke and, even though she said she doesn't care about money, no one likes to take steps backward. I guess she will feel the consequences of her actions soon enough.

Me? I'm just trying to fill my time because each day is another one towards full detachment.

I can't imagine a scenario anymore that would bring us back together.

[Trixi]

Quick update-
Daughter has made contact and has agreed to rehab- Thank GOD!
However, until we actually get her in, it's still not a done deal.

H is depressed, feels like a failure and is numb/overwhelmed. I told him his moods scare me and he said not to be scared. He's committed; we're sticking together; he just isn't "feeling" much. I am hoping as our life issues start getting addressed he will come back to life. He asked me to please be patient with him.

Him being this disconnected makes it SO hard for me to stay engaged. I am 'starving' for some affection and love to go along with the 'commitment'. Before, I didn't have a commitment from him, but I did have feelings from him; now it's the opposite and it feels so yucky.

Crap. I'm trying to reach my daughter to confirm picking her up this morning and she won't answer her phone or text message. ugh ugh ugh. Please keep good thoughts towards her. thanks

[Dom R]

Heya Trix

I am 'starving' for some affection and love to go along with the 'commitment'. Before, I didn't have a commitment from him, but I did have feelings from him; now it's the opposite and it feels so yucky.

Maybe this is an Opportunity, for you to show him how you can derive good feelings from force of commitment, rather than the backwards-and-broken mindset of deriving commitment from feelings.

This is what you've been aiming for after all, yes? To have commitment, when feelings are low?
So now, use that commitment, to do what you can to restock those feelings. Deliberately, rather than hoping for a "lucky wind to blow through", as it were?

How to do that? I dunno, you know the two of you better than I do So use your knowledge of the two of you.
And maybe even explicitly say, "I know both of us are feeling down... so how about we go do (whatever), because that often makes both of us feel better"

Show him how to be "intentional" about moods, and after a few (hundred) times, maybe he'll even start picking up the skill himself

[Trixi]

Hey Dom-
I know you are right that I could "show" him something...but he is just.....UGH!

He won't really talk to me except to say he is depressed and feels like a failure. He has now told both roommates, but when I asked what happened with the 25yo roommate he was vague. I asked what happened/what was the story and he said he didn't want to talk about it. And he said that the roommate "would try to work something out". WTF?! The kid lives in one room! and has 45 days notice! I have a client that just found out she has to be out of her house in 3 weeks for the bank to approve the short sale. And she has a 2100sf house with a 2 car garage to pack and move plus a teenage daughter to raise. And she is moving into a place half the size of her current house. (That she only just found today-15 days before closing.)

It has been 3.5 weeks since the bomb was dropped on my H and we decided to get back together for real and I have not seen any measurable forward movement.

In fact, Mr "I'm-in-it-to-win-it" would readily admit he is not "in it". I tried to get him to talk last night and he was like "You can't squeeze blood from a stone" and when I said I really REALLY needed him to talk to me and engage, all he could say was "yeah, I know."

I asked him about his wedding ring and he admitted he hasn't taken the time to look for it (he's "just too overwhelmed") but he is pretty sure he hid it somewhere. OH, but he can find time to jam...but not take 30 minutes to look for a ring. I have explained that the ring means a lot to me; it symbolizes "us" and he is like "I know. I have no problem wearing it; I just don't know where it is."

He wanted me to think about letting one of the roommates stay (not the 25yo, the other one -*that I have NEVER met!!*); but was pissy when my friend needed to use my scanner last night for 10 minutes. I called him out on that and said "Really? REALLY!? you want me to contemplate LIVING with some guy I have NEVER met and you can't suck it up for 10 minutes so someone can use my scanner?!? REALLY???" and he was like "Yeah- Really! I don't feel good right now." Boo-effing-hoo!

I have tried being nice and just validating, I have tried to encourage him, I have been biting my tongue for 2.5 years. We don't have time for any more of his moods. I told him as much and he was like "yeah, I know."

I am at a loss. I told him I have his back, but his lack of forward movement is making me insane.

[Kalni]

Trixi,
from one insane person to another: if you love him, be smart about it. About everything. Think outside of the box, stop expecting him to do things as you think he should be, do NOT allow him to rule your moods, set the pace exactly as DOMr suggested, treat him with compassion, be positive, what you focus on expands, remember...?
(need to print that out for myself-lol)
K

[Dom R]

Hey Dom-
(wave)

I asked him about his wedding ring and he admitted he hasn't taken the time to look for it (he's "just too overwhelmed") but he is pretty sure he hid it somewhere.

Dont accept excuses any more. For anything,but ESPECIALLY on something that important.
If he's too lazy or lost to find it, then insist that he buy a new one. Is it more important that he wear THAT one, or that he wear "a" wedding ring?

A simple gold band, is not particularly expensive. Dont ask him, TELL him, "if you're truly in this like you said, than our marriage needs to be your #1 priority. time to put up or shut up. In the next 2 hours, I want you to show me it is #1, by wearing a wedding ring, from now on. Starting today. If you cant find the one you used to have, then go buy one. Right. Now. Any excuses you make, are literally you saying 'no, but [excuse] is more important than our marriage' "

I know you are right that I could "show" him something...but he is just.....UGH!

and while we're on the topic of excuses... excuses should no longer be acceptable... from him, OR YOU!

You need to show him positives together. Whether you feel like it or not.
Whether he deserves it or not. That's a basic fundamental of marriage: being good to the other person, even when they dont deserve it.

That will help him do his part faster also.

You might want to do this part, before you get all pushy about the wedding ring