Better Days

[ClingingToHope]

The first Saturday I was out of the house and had nothing to do ... had to be the worst day of my life. Worse maybe even than the day my mom died because I had W there to help me get through it.

That day I called a friend and said let's go golfing and then I moped around the course.

While playing, a former co-worker called and asked if I could fill in in a softball tournament.

I said sure, I've got no plans. So I played two games. We got waxed and then I went home --- well, my friend's house -- and took a sleeping pill.

A few good things happened to me. I started working for a company on the weekends that puts on running races. They put up the tents, barricades, timing and such the day before and then clean it all up on Saturdays.

I worked 10 weekends last summer, making $350 per weekend. The money came in handy but just being busy was even better because I didn't have a lot of social options yet.

As the summer went on, I found a few things to do. I hung out with my younger coworkers a bit. I was working so much and once I got my apartment I had the girls every other weekend so time started to fill up.

I also joined a really large evangelical church and started doing a marriage rebuilders class on Tuesdays.

I learned a lot about myself and my role in the breakup. Plus I had a group of people going through the same thing to talk to. That lasted 10 weeks.

I moved out on Mother's Day. As word got out I started getting more social options. Co-workers. Old friends. Stuff has started popping up.

To me, it was like being back in high school when I'd just get on the phone to figure out what was going on.

I hadn't done that in years. But now I'm constantly looking around for things to do and checking with others to see if they are doing something.

I still hate it. I still really just wish I could go home and lay on the couch and watch a movie with W like we did in the early days of the M.

Gardener was telling me I should take some time to myself and just relax and think things through. That doesn't work for me. When I'm alone I start thinking what a waste this is and my brain starts making jumps and leaps.

I mean tonight, as D7 really got into her games, I started thinking aoout my dad. My parents divorced when I was 12. For a few years, my dad was still a big part of my life. By the time I started junior college, I wasn't seeing him much anymore. By the time I transferred to a 4-year school I went into a stretch where I didn't see him for three years.

He died two years after I graduated. I'm sure he never meant to fade away. I can't remember how much of it was his life getting in the way or me just going through typical growing up stuff.

Too many thoughts at times. I really should get the girls to bed.