Love can seek itself, it knows itself. If you make love your goal, rather than "having it all together" or "having a great sex life", the rest will come along as side benefits.
This is a groovy mind switch. I've been thinking about it a lot. Makes a great deal of sense to me.
So, with that in mind, I still have to confess to not having made the smartest decisions over the past week or so.
I did back right off from Mr Unavailable, the pursuit increased, and he pushed a discussion about what was going on with me. I did end up saying something to the effect that I was uncomfortable about having this great friendship with him when he was married. I said if I was his wife I wouldn’t like it.
He feigned ignorance (what’s with men?) – “we’re not doing anything wrong, we’re great friends … and anyway, I’m not married like you seem to think I’m married, but I don’t want to talk to you about it over the phone.” (I’m thinking if you tell me she doesn’t understand you or it’s a sex starved marriage I’m going to barf) … (and of course then I’m embarrassed that I may have overstated things and he might think I’m reading too much into things etc etc – shaking my head at myself).
So we agree that we’ll meet in the Capital in a couple of weeks when we both need to be there for a week-long meeting. He gets all carried away making reservations to v. gorgeous restaurant (which you need do need to make reservations for weeks in advance) and tells me everything will be clear to me then.
I re-engaged in flirty conversation and instant messaging (I know, I know) for a few days … until he went’ home on a reunion visit earlier this week.
(OK -I know this is an excuse … but I put my toe back in the pool because he reassured me and because I don’t want to think he’s such a player, I have fantasised that maybe he is the bloke who might tick the boxes in so far as emotional connection … I know I can get the physical stuff right in a relationship, but the emotional connection has always been a problem for me, and with him it seemed like it might work … and he’s hot)
It will be no surprise to anyone that on arrival “home” his instant messaging is ‘on-the-blink’ and the phone calls are just as regular, but at very different times of the day – like clearly after wife has gone to work and before she gets home. He would say after his son goes to school and before dinner …. But ….
He called me yesterday and I was in the middle of managing a potential international incident. It was serious and he knew it was serious. I told him I’d be held up for a couple of hours and said I’d call him back. I called back at what would have been about 7pm his time, and of course phone was turned off. He sent me an e-mail at 10pm last night, saying he was tired and asking me to call him today … anytime … (he must know I’m onto him) …so I stupidly did call him this morning … and it was awkward and weird and he’s really playing up the fact that he’s with his son and I can hear son in the background – working hard to demonstrate this isn’t dodgy, he can speak to me whenever, whatever … yeah sure
I haven’t asked him where he stays when he goes home – but despite what he reckons about “not being married like (I) think he is” it would appear pretty clear that he’s staying at the family home.
I feel really dirty. and really stupid.
So, sincerely admitting that I haven’t been living up to my highest ethical values, and I haven’t been taking your advice … I’m back on the wagon. I’m dumping his sorry ar$e and focussing on love.
Hold my hand DanceQueen … I’m sincere that I want to get this right once and for all.
