I tend to agree with G in this case. Separate your finances so you can take care of you and let H take care of himself. You said you don't like the fact that he treats you like an assistant, so quit. Have you discussed this with a L?
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
As hard as this is for you there is going to have to come a time when you stop playing mother-hen (aka female Knight in Shining Armor) and let him start to stew in his own crap.
I haven't done anything which helps him only since August. I'm just looking after things which benefit me too.
You have your own place right?
Yes, I have my own place, but still spend lots of time at the marital abode to be with my step-dog. She is one of the reasons I am not inclined to hasten his return. She is old, has health problems and I want to be with her for as long as I can.
If you continue letting this child run around on his escapades and keep cleaning his mess up after him... when do you expect him to come and face the consequences of his actions?
I'm just trying to do what's best for me and the dog. If it's to my benefit, I'm fine with him doing his Peter Pan thing as long as he likes. Don't worry, there will be plenty of mess left for him to deal with. I hope that you have taken care of the dental work.
The dental is progressing bit by bit. It will take a while. I got a tooth abscess last month and holy crap that was painful. I never want to do that again.
It's good to know you're still alive and kicking. I've seen your posts on some other people's thread.
Yeah, I'm still around. Looked like you took a breather for a while too.
Separate your finances so you can take care of you and let H take care of himself. You said you don't like the fact that he treats you like an assistant, so quit. Have you discussed this with a L?
Our money is separate,(unfortunately for me} We never had much togetherness in the marriage in any respect.I am taking care of me, and right now I prefer having the house too, so long as he is paying the utilities. Also, there are other subscriptions and such which he pays for and I also use and benefit from, so some minimal effort to keep that going is worth it to me. And yes, I have the general legal overview. I sure wish I had known he would be gone so long, and saved all the rent I didn't need to pay. Still, I made the best decision I could with what I knew at the time.
Oh, course I don't want to be married to someone who cancels vacations because he became obssessed with someone else. That's not the man I married. Isn't something similar true for many people here? They do want their spouse, but not if their spouse is going to keep screwing someone else?
The man I married was my favorite person to talk to, and I was his. We had lots of fun together. We had passionate, frequent sex. He is very intelligent, interesting, knowledgeable. He makes me laugh a lot. We have a lot in common in many ways. That's the guy I married.
But he began to treat me differently as soon as we married. I don't know exactly what that is about. I do think that his renewed obsession with the unattainable woman may be a clue. Did he lose interest because he 'caught me"? Based on some things I said, Gucci seemed to think my H really goes for the hard to get woman, and suggested I give him that challenge in a big way.
Dudess, other than industry reports of them working together and past history, what proof do you have that this is all about the OW or that she even is an OW?
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
We can analyze this forever, but are wasting time. HERE is what this is all about...
Quote:
I did a little internet searching and found out that a female business colleague he had pursued, unsuccessfully, 10 years ago was at the event. When H and I were just pals, he had told me how he had been obsessed with her and pursued her for a couple of years until she finally had to tell him, "look I really like you as a friend but that's all." It wasn't until she got a steady BF that he gave up.
You didn't LISTEN to him. He even told you this was the woman that tripped his trigger. There is nothing else to analyze. He wants her and never stopped wanting her. I would think that maybe you don't want to admit that because it would hurt your feelings. I believe it is the truth of this whole mess. There is nothing you can do if he feels this way about her EXCEPT to let him see that you WANT him out of your life. The only way he may come back to you is if he can't have her, but DO you want that? If so, then hang in there.
You are overanalyzing this. This is about the woman he was and may still be obsessed with.
Hello? Industry reports does not mean he is sleeping with her. Where is the proof necessary to lay down a gauntlet?
I could very well be insane here, but what changed between the two of you BEFORE he went to Europe?
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Hello? Industry reports does not mean he is sleeping with her. Where is the proof necessary to lay down a gauntlet?
I could very well be insane here, but what changed between the two of you BEFORE he went to Europe?
I don't think he is sleeping with her. I think this is an unrequited sitution.
Things hadn't changed before he went to Europe. He had even wanted me to come earlier and stay longer than I had planned. He changed after the event where he saw her again. I have verified that she is no longer with her BF. Very odd that he has told me so much of what he is doing and with who, and yet never mentioned seeing her, let alone working with her.
Turns out H had made plane reservations to go to yet another country, and then return here the last week of March. I was perturbed that he hadn't asked if that would work for me. He said that since I had said it wasn't important to me that he be home for Christmas, he assumed I didn't want him back any time soon. Well, I guess that is true in a way, but now elder-dog is becoming incontinent and it is a major headache, one which also makes it harder to find pet care and I told him I need a week of major relaxation.
He sent me his new credit card info, (He solved the problem without my help). He said he could understand why I was getting tired and said I could used his card to charge a gift certificate for a week at a spa, to go now if I can find dog care, or when he returns. I jumped all over that.
Resolved the phone issue. He said that he thought I had the number where he was and that he thought I didn't want to talk with him anyway. (We still haven't spoken on the phone though, just email)
He used to phone issue to segue in to the possible "misunderstanding' we had 6 months ago which resulted in my deciding not to join him in Europe and his emailing me not to come. Yeah, right, it was all just a misunderstanding and six months later when he's about to return, he is trying to "resolve" it.
I managed to step away from the keyboard and resist the temptation to respond to nonsense and just focused on practical matters and the weather. Now he sounds a bit peeved that I am not "communicating" with him.
So, I thought I had another month, then today an email from him saying his plans to go on to the next country are now in doubt. Aaagh! I am madly packing today.
I'm confused if you want him back or not. He made contact with you first, albiet through email. So now what? What are your goals?
Last edited by The Wifey; 02/24/1010:35 PM. Reason: Correction.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I'm confused if you want him back or not. He made contact with you first, albiet through email. So now what? What are your goals?
Just to clarify, email communication has been ongoing. I have replied, in a cordial manner, as needed to communicate about joint practical matters.
He would have to make substantial changes for me to consider returning to a romantic/marital relationship with him. I think it is highly unlikely that he will do that work. So, I won't say 'no way', just highly unlikely.
My goals are: #1, vacate the marital home and protect my financial well being.
#2, (to the extent not inconsistent with #1), inform H of my departure in the way most likely to motivate H towards some self-examination.
I haven't decided exactly how to do that. Most likely it will be shortly before, or upon, his arrival home.
I am not planning to say anything about his pursuit of OW. I had already decided to move out before I was aware of anything like that. OW was just more on top of way too much already.
I had a brief phone conversation with H this evening, the first in more than six months. I didn't realize that it was an international call when I picked up the phone. If I had, I would have let it go to voice mail.
He was very drunk, and just talking about his latest travels. Then he said something about how 'we' are going to go to the hot springs spa when he gets back. He said, 'you've got my word on it', then he added, 'even though that's not worth that much'.
He just sounded like a buffoon. After a few minutes, I told him I had to get going because I was meeting a friend for dinner.
