This means, like a child who wants their own room, you say "OK" and you step OUT of their room and let them enjoy their music and do what they like.
NOW... There is a LIMIT to leaving them alone with thier thoughts and their lives.
Do NOT tolerate anyone interfering in your marriage, if she is talking to someone who is spewing negative stuff about you, step up and ask them to HELP. If they are NOT part of the solution, then they can just leave you two alone.
Do NOT tolerate parasites who want to pick away at your marriage while its vulnerable.
If your wife just wants to paint, or go for a walk on her own.. that's perfectly OK.. as LONG as she doens't get attached to any parasites on the trip.
Right now while your marriage is vulnerable, PARASITES show up, drinking buddies, predatory men, cynical man-hating friends, etc... All of this crap shows up when your marriage is most vulnerable... happens all the time.. do NOT tolerate that crap.
If your wife wants to go out with her female friend for a drink.. that's fine, just offer them a ride home so they are SAFE... tell them feel free to call etc...
You can't control her, but you CAN influence her...
For sandi's benefit, I am NOT saying to IGNORE completely what she is saying, it might contain valuable info... but do NOT show ANY reaction to it other than loving detachment.
Do NOT get ANGRY at her when she's scathing...do not be warm and affectionate etiher... just loving detached parental patience to to speak
WIFE : I hate you, you are a horrible human being!!!
YOU offer no response, not even a sigh... just look at her.
A sample you will often get this dynamic from is during labour... a running joke for men is that they need to IGNORE anything they hear their wife say while they are in labour...
The joke is that often a BLUE STREAK of MEAN SCATHING phrases darted at you fly out.. I have never seen it, but it is the stereo type..
The H at that time is just supposed to be uspportive... NOT retaliate by yelling even louder... so imagine when she's having a rant that she's in labour.
HER : You are a miserable SOB!!! I can't stand you right now...
YOU : I am going to make a cup of tea.
Note you do NOT offer her a cup here notice, THAT is pursuit... you just respond CALMLY ... what you are trying to do is project CALM ADULT behaviur in order to invoke some from her LONG TERM.
For NOW you need to be calm at all times..
1. Do NOT fight with her 2. NO name calling 3. No arguing 4. No BLAMING 5. No "I love you" 6. No "I am sorry"
Nothing warm OR cold... just neutral calm tonees come from you... it will help even her moods out gradually over time.
Maynard has it here, he has the fighting spirit down...
Don't be SMUG when she's upset... emit loving detachment... like a parent would to their son trying to ride a bike for the first time.. you stand back lovingly, but do NOT INTERFERE... say NOTHING... just emit warm calm commmitment.. she will GRADUALLY feed off of that..
I am warning you now... WITHOUT the OM in the picture turning her around is going to take at LEAST three months, it may take six to even a year...
Turning your wife around from where she's at NOW is a VERY LONG road as Sandi pointed out.. your wife is REALLY going to test you over the next several months and YOU will have to find in yourself UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...
your wife is giong to be MEAN, inconsiderate, moody, angry, deceitful, distant, cold, and you will feel like you married hell itself at some point and you WILL want her to just LEAVE. This is a TEST if YOUR COMMITMENT level...
YOUR test right now is to find in yourself unconditional love for this woman... loving detachment for the next six months minimum... loving someone who offers you nothing back but icicles and a sneer ...
