I could suggest that you start your own thread here with your sich and I can't speak for HB but I am sure there are many people that will offer you advice.
Nice to meet you, but I am sorry it has to be in these circumstances such as what you are facing at this point in time.
OP is correct; what you will need to do is start a brand new thread on your situation; not only posting a highlight; or even several of what you're facing/looking at, so we can see where you are in this.... but also post some things on yourself as you stand at this point in your own journey. And it's OK if you have not started this journey within yet, because of confusion, being at the beginning, etc....We need information to begin to help you, so tell us about yourself.
When your MLC'er/WAS tore your lives apart, he/she(although, I'm assuming you are a lady?) put you on a path that was not of your own making, but it's an opportunity to work on yourself.
No doubt that you're already looking within to see how the journey on you would need to begin/occur.
You're looking for somewhat of a specific direction, and you came to the right place for that.
All of us know what you're going through, as we have walked in your shoes at one time or another.
The confusion is normal, but as we all pitch in and talk this out; hopefully it will help you to clear some of the confusion you're trying to cut through; the people here are very supportive and VERY knowledgeable. There are viewpoints from all across the board; I have found it is helpful to read more than one viewpoint, as what one may miss, another will see...and, honestly, as thorough as I seem to be, I don't see everything.
I will look in later on to see your new post...and give you what I can in the way of feedback.
There is hope, there is ALWAYS hope, and the Lord works in mysterious ways His wonders to behold; He is a very strong influence in my life, as He knows ALL things, I do not.
Above all, take care of yourself, you'll be all right, even if you don't see it at the moment.
Take care.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I posted a new thread like you suggested. I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Thank you for the instructions on how to best receive the most input.
Hi I was wondering if anyone could say at what stage can the 'children' be seen duing MLC? My H is spewing garbage by text to my daughter and myself. e.g. your being nasty to me etc He has been in Replay for nearly 2 years (OW19) living with OW since September 09 I have seen various behaviours since Christmas. He started to 'touch and go', nice texts, arranging visits with kids again, etc Then suddenly he withdrew again for 4 weeks. Now this spewing has started, which we have ignored after reading all the advice on DB. Is this spewing because he is facing his demons, or is it part of depression?
Never hurts to get a good basic idea of where he and you stand at this point in time. The times I listed are NO good, but did not know that then when I wrote them.
This may clear some questions you have about where he is; though, if he's still living with OW, he is STILL in replay, and will be there UNTIL he gets rid of her, goes into OW Withdrawal, then goes on into Depression then Withdrawal stages. This does NOT mean the stages have to be run in a certain order, they can be mixed up; except for the very last stage(Acceptance); and I know it's run in order of the stages listed..but the OW is main stage in Replay; as long as she is in the picture, the MLC'er is STILL in that stage. What I'm seeing here is 'baby steps' a trying to come forward, then it looks like he's run backward.
The "spewing" comes from their confusion and refusal to look within, preferring to try and blame outside sources, namely, the spouse, for their pain and misery.
What exactly does this "spewing" consist of at this point? Is he attempting to push you to do something that is against your better judgement? Has it come on because he's asked you to do something and you've refused? Or did it come out of nowhere, like my husband's did? Each person, and "triggers" are different; and sometimes, there doesn't NEED to be anything that sets them off..we are there, they get set off at what we see as nothing; but to them it's everything. None of it ever makes sense.
The reason I'm asking is because of a memory I had came back. When my husband was trying to get away from his OW; he started spewing away..some of it was guilt, I believe, and I made it worse when I was pushing for truth. Most of it didn't make any sense, but I listened and argued anyway(for what good that did). In spite of all instructions to leave him alone, I did not..and got a whole load of crap for my trouble.
NO, it would NOT be your fault..the spewing is necessary for them to get some of this off themselves; and they will spew at the most available target, the Left Behind Spouse.
One good thing, though, as long as he's "spewing" if you're willing to "sort the garbage" you'll get a fair idea of where you stand with him, and where he stands with you...just stay detached from the various lies that are told.
Hang tough it seems to come in spurts and jumps at various times; don't take it personally.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
This does NOT mean the stages have to be run in a certain order, they can be mixed up; except for the very last stage(Acceptance); and I know it's run in order of the stages listed
To clarify this comment, In my own personal experience saw Acceptance run in the order of the mini stages in the case of my husband once he reached and started that final stage. And I experienced the SAME thing, myself, when it was ME going through MLT(Mid Life Transition)
To be sure there's bits and parts of every stage in each one, and even an "acceptance" in each, as that must be attained before "closing the door" of each stage once it run its course.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I have never posted to you but since your topic is post any questions I thought I would ask for your opinion......my husband lives out of state with O/W we hardly have any contact... have you seen this to be better for the LBS for them not to be close by or is it better when there is some kind of contact like most here, they see the children on a weekly basis.....to me I feel better because I really dont think I could handle running into them in a store,restuarant,etc. etc. etc.
I know this is not the prayer circle forum or anything but I just wnated to share this here today I feel the Lord telling me to....i was praying on my way to work and I asked God a question....I asked if he ever sent my husband thoughts or memories of his family or his wife and as soon as I asked that question my husband called me..... you talk about God getting my attention...he was like a chatter box he did most of the talking for like 30 minutes just catching up with all the family things..... I could tell he was happy that I was talking to him.... needless to say I was on cloud nine for the rest of the day...not for the phone call but for how God answered my question.....during the holiday we were texting quite regularly then they stopped....snodderly said it was just a moment of clarity or maybe sanity dont remember exactly what she said. Glad to see you are home with your family.....any thoughts are appreciated..God bless
What exactly does this "spewing" consist of at this point?
The spewing started in response to my daughter17 telling him to leave her alone. He had been trying more than usual to get her to text him. (she hasn't spoken to him since he left as OW was one of her frineds) The texts had been increasing. Out of the blue I got a text the next day saying 'Hi I think we need to talk about divorce' This is the first time this has ever been mentioned. I ignored the text after reading the advice on DB, saying how they just don't know what they are saying half the time. I heard nothing for 6 days. My daughter then was talking to MIL and the spewing started in response to something she had said. (agian by text) It was nothing to get upset about and was just a normal conversation. In his text he said 'I take it you won't be coming to my funeral' She ignored this but as you can imagine she was very upset. The next day is when I got the text saying 'I am very upset by the hurtful things D is saying, if she carries on I may as well not pay anything towards her.' The texts are worded very much like he is having a tantrum all the time.
This contact via text comes after 4 weeks of Withdrawal. His health is suffering, he is in debt, has no money, working two jobs,and from what I am told is very depressed. He has gone backwards it seems to me, but as you have said before, they are all over the place. Previously he had been texting me during the day from work. The texts where lighthearted. Asking questions about the kids, home etc. He was in contact with my family again. But throughout all this OW is still definitely in the picture. He is spending all of his time with people in the 19-25 age range. These are his 'new' friends. He is 46.
I am detached but find the whole thing so confusing.
Could I suggest you start your own thread so everyone will post to you. Although I love HB and she gives excellent advice there are many other on this board who will be glad to give you great advice also.
God works in mysterious ways, His wonders to behold; and I'd say He answered your prayer/question in a mighty way; letting you know He's there and watching over you, your family, AND your husband.
I'm a sincere believer, having no trouble whatsoever believing what you've just said and experienced. It doesn't matter to me that this is not a prayer circle thread, I'm always open to people posting things like this; it continues to reinforce my own belief that God has His hand in ALL things, and watches after His children.
I'm glad you shared this with me and others.
God will work within a WAS/MLC'er's heart for the asking, as what's within the heart, the mind will follow; He also will "add" to the love that's already there, again, working within the heart. He doesn't interfere with "free will" given to all, but He knows the "workaround", working on the people we love; and He will make our enemies at peace with us.
The Bible talks about many things coming out of the heart, good and bad. Keep praying for him, IRMAC; God knows what's needed when it's needed.
I remember the Lord sending my husband dreams of me that were shared with me, and I did see an increase of love for me; I had prayed for Him to work within my husband's heart; especially when things seemed SO hopeless. Yet, I know and knew the Lord was in my situation; the signs were SO clear, and my prayers continued to be answered throughout.
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have you seen this to be better for the LBS for them not to be close by or is it better when there is some kind of contact like most here, they see the children on a weekly basis.....to me I feel better because I really dont think I could handle running into them in a store,restuarant,etc. etc. etc.
IMHO, it is whatever will work for the LBS most of the time. I can say that when my husband was out on the road(that was the times we were separated for several days to up to several weeks at a time), it eased alot of the pressure on me, allowing me to continue the work on myself; also allowing him to do what he was doing within himself. I can understand where you're coming from; it's like when you see him your hurt seems to come to the surface, taking you all the way back to the beginning. Until you progress forward in healing to a point where you can stand to look at him without experiencing that deep, rending pain; it's best if you don't see him any more than you have to.
This last is my humble opinion. My husband never moved out, and I had to deal with him when he came home from his road trips as a trucker, and it took a great deal of strength on my part to deal...and there were times I remember crying hard in the night; after yet another bad day of dealing with him. I remember feeling SO alone; and the comfort of the Lord was a very welcome presence in my life; and still is, even now.
I learned to depend upon the Lord totally for my well-being, and the strength I needed to get through; one of the lessons I learned during his MLC. People will fail you, the Lord will NOT; and He takes care of his own. A great many people think because you're Christian you shouldn't have any trials at all, but that is not true....I've seen trials increase because I DO believe, but, as I learned to see it, if there were NO trials, we could not grow within them, becoming better and stronger people.
The MLC'er DOES have moments of clarity, they don't last for long; and they seem to "come back" temporarily..then the fog comes down again, covers them up, and they seem to "backslide".
Not your fault, theirs.
In theory, as they come forward the moments of clarity become greater, last longer; as each issue is confronted within, and resolved. But until then, it is touch and go, forward two steps, back three...and it can get quite frustrating for the LBS who is trying to hope for some movement forward without things going backward.
You are and have been praying for restoration of your marriage; I remember reading that on your thread. I will continue to add my prayers to yours; we can never get enough prayers for His help.
Always remember that the Lord works things on HIS timetable; and He is always right on time.
May He continue to be with you and your family, answering your prayers, giving you strength to continue to deal with his MLC.
You are welcome to post anything at anytime...with that said, everybody is welcome to post whatever they choose.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
