flowmom | need to commit to myself

[givingitmyall]

Flowmom,

I did not realize you were only 2 months into this. Doesn't change my advice.

I can tell you you are doing exceptionally well for someone in this that early. And, I can tell you IT WILL GET BETTER.

[flowmom]

DG, thanks for sharing something that has worked for you...I appreciate it. I think I would like to try that as working on a spiritual practice is one of the things that I identified as something that would help me. I like the idea of asking for what I want...because right now I feel like I am trying to draw on strength and resources that I don't feel like I have.

GIMA, just to clarify...I did find your post about the irrational beliefs helpful and I appreciate the time that you took to write it out.

H4L, thanks for bringing in the idea of trying different things. I get stuck on trying to make the right decision, and I have trouble adopting an experiment-and-observe approach to things.

CG, thanks for sharing your experience with medication. I will consider trying it, esp if functioning doesn't dramatically improve soon.

[givingitmyall]

FM,

I get stuck on trying to make the right decision

One thing that was difficult for me was to change my mindset. I had been so used to thinking in terms of what was the right thing for my W.

The question is what is the right thing to do FOR YOU. THAT question is a lot easier to answer.

[CityGirl]

When I first met with my psych that was the first thing I told him... how frightened I was to take medication. I actually felt much better when he told me how common that fear is. Once he really explained to me the science behind the drugs and how and why they work it really eased my mind. I sort of looked at my medication as my "assistant". I still had to do the work but I had a helper. As sad as this sounds I had developed coping mechanisms to deal with the anxiety and panic but they were VERY unhealthy ones. Once I had those physical symptoms under control it was only then I realized how horrid I had felt.

I have also learned over the past few years that I will not always make the right decision. I also learned if I don't make the "right" decision it doesn't necessarily mean it is the wrong decision. Maybe it is just a different decision but things will still be okay because I think there is usually always a solution (even if it is really hiding!).

I think you have way more strengths and resources than you give yourself credit for.

[flowmom]

I'm doing something proactive about my fears around H continuing to be supportive of homeschooling. I'm facilitating a meeting between H and S6's teacher where she will give H some context for him understanding the areas where S6 is not "meeting expectations" (he doesn't have an IEP yet), her ideas of how to work with S6 (not pushing as hard as H has been doing lately), her impression of S6's strengths, and her impression of what has been working in terms of how our family has been working with S6 and his education. A problem that we've had is H totally delegating everything related to education to me, then undermining my approaches or coming in from left field with his own ideas that aren't compatible with the approach that I'm taking (with the support of S6's teacher who has years of experience with homeschooling children). I had a good chat with her and told her that H needs to read a report card about me, as a homeschooling mom. I'm hoping that this will reassure H that we are on the right track with homeschooling and trusting me with managing S6's education.

[idontunderstand]

Hi FM,

When my wife gave me the ILYBNILWY, she said she thought I was depressed because: I didn't have fun anymore even if out with friends, I didn't want to do stuff with the kids, I didn't interact with my family of hers at get togethers, etc. I never thought of it as depression. I work for a car dealership that is now owned by the government and all of this started with her about the same time of the bailout and talking of bankrupcy of the car dealers. No one knew at the time who would be shut down of what would happen. I was worried about my job and taking care of four kids and my wife if something happened to it.
In hindsight, I can see that it affected my life more that I knew. After the speech, I made an appt. with my Dr. and, after some tests, he put me on ad and aa meds. I even tried hiding this from my W because I was ashamed that I needed them and couldn't handle life on my own. Of course, she found out and accused me of lying to her saying I was at work when I was at DR.
I guess I did lie and add more fuel to the fire but didn't realize it at the time.
Anyway, the medicine helped after @60 days. It does not cure it but does help me cope. As you could tell when you posted on my thread, I do have down days. I am having one now, but they don't last as long and they aren't as deep, you know?
Just my two cents. Good luck!

[rr22]

I don't know that I would go down ADHD road yet. Maybe. But maybe one med at a time. If sister or IC thinks time for AD, then why not try that and see if it brings some focus? Starting two at once (ADHD and AD) could in theory bring so many side effects (maybe I'm wrong) that you REALLY can't focus. That said, what do I know? You could make an appt., get the rec., and decide what to do about it after. I feel for you on the focus topic. These sitches are distracting. You are at month two. It took me more time than that to get my mind SEMI off of it. Maybe you need someone to hold you accountable (firm deadlines) for your work right now. You might have to assign a friend or your sister to get tough on you if you don't have external deadlines and see if that helps at all. It may not.

On the summer camping issue, I don't know. I think the kids and you could have a good time without him. Or you could plan a less labor-intensive vacation this year. It might be good for you to get away and know that none of you had access to him for a few days to clear your head this summer. A vacation seems stimulating enough for children that they might not mind him not being there as much as you think. Especially if it's a short one. Just a different viewpoint on that.

[Gardener]

fm,

The idea of taking medications is very very hard for me and I've inherited an alternative health mindset from my mother and brought it into my adult life. But now is not the time for me to be a purist. OTOH, my IC is not a fan of my interpreting my struggles from the ADHD lens.

My position was identical in the beginning as I always avoid pharmaceuticals in favor of supplements, natural foods, etc. But when my depression was finally diagnosed - and at one of its worst, most acute stages - I decided to bite the bullet in favor of (relatively) immediate and marked relief. Glad I did. "I" came back real fast. And then through research, I gradually weaned off the pharms for supplementals, with doctor's agreement and monitoring. So, I agree:

now is not the time for me to be a purist.

Tell your IC you're not even convinced, yet. But you have to try it to find out. And, besides, you're not signing on for life.
Good luck.

[newmama]

Just had a thought- any chance you could hire a babysitter for 3-4 hours on 2-3 days/week so you could work from home? One of my friends is a SAHM and her husband owns a plumbing business. She is the book keeper and started using a sitter about a year ago.

I realize it might be too expensive now...but one day could help you to make a dent in your job!

[flowmom]

rambling to myself...

I'm finally starting to feel a bit numb after all of the intense emotions of the last few days. Today I just feel like giving up. You win H. You have your home, your freedom, your sex life, your image, and most of the time you don't have to deal with me. I hope it's worth it to you. You and your "complications" aren't my problem any more and I don't have to torture myself trying to understand you. I'll die a little death each time I have a new realization of the depth of your rejection of me, but that's just me living out the heartache of every single abandoned lover on the planet. Every hurt that my children will have to endure will stab me through my heart as I stand by them, helpless to protect them from the foundation of our family crumbling. My new life is uncomfortable, lonely, desolate, and confusing. I still have the compass but I've lost the map.