Wife in love with another man, I need help

[sleeplessinspoke]

Jonpen,

You'll see by my post count that I am newer and less wise than some of the folks here who are giving you great 'tough love' advice....I am impressed with how well you seem to follow much of the advice in Michelle's books on dealing with the cheating spouse...I feel much weaker than that in my sitch:

I have been drawn here first by feeling I am in a SSM. Suddenly, last fall, I got jolted into the idea that perhaps my LD wife was having an affair. All at once, much of her behavior, not trying not offering excuse playing on my patience and fear of confrontation in letting her off the hook so to speak about not reading books, not going to therapy, not trying anything made sense. I became obsessed with watching her every move but to this day have not uncovered anything on my own, with calling in Magnum, PI it is a mystery to me on how to find. She would have to have been so careful to hide it this well.

Most of the stories I find here have cheaters getting caught pretty easily...It seems that I may have constructed the theory and made every observation fit into an elaborate script that doesn't seem likely but would make great TV. I don't want to be a wimp and I really have been mostly because I don't know for sure. It's a huge difference for me if she is actually doing this thing and lying to me everyday biding her time until they can be together OR she's a LD private, non-communicative, person who doesn't know how to fix our problem and is just riding the status quo wave since it works much better for her.

The being NICE talk has grabbed my attention. I am guilty of this approach time and time again. Many describe it as poison in these situations and if she is cheating i totally agree. But what if she is not, and I am just trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense to me? She finally has agreed to go to conseling and we've started. I've been inclined to back off my weak ass investigation to see if this is a sincere effort and there will be some change to start us reconnecting.....

I would love any advice from some of you heavy hitters aka result getters out there on how I should proceed and actual techniques for finding out for sure. What Jonpen has done, going in with the SWAT team to crush expose the affair, is something I have dreamed of being able to do if the worst is in fact true....my GAL project continues regardless but life is still so enmeshed in the raising of our kids and her being my best friend. You can, if you know how to (I haven't learned to navigate very well), see what I posted on Newcomers board back in Oct '09 (reference 'Sugarland, Need to know the unknowable') for more background and for insight as to just how far I have to go in the manning-up department. Please help if you have time and I apologize for asking for more than I can give hear interms of help and advice...