That was a strong and obviously very heart-felt letter you wrote him. I doubt much of it will get thru to him right now, but at least you're "on record," right?
From here on out, now that you have spoken your peace, as it were, I'd prefer you give him a much shorter position:
"This is your mess; you need to clean it up."
and
"I've decided I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your poor decisions."
I do recommend you STAY as COMPLETELY DARK on him as you can at this point. The "friends" thing . . . I'm sorry, but it's not your job to make HIM feel better about his infidelity and deceit.
"Never shelter an adulterer from the consequences of their adultery."
Gritt- that must have made you feel pretty good when your first wife said those things.. I don't know what the sitch was with her..but it must be comforting that she looks back with some regret.
Will I look back on my H in the same way you are looking at your ex? Like it is sort of just...well insignificant?
It feels bittersweet really because had she said those things back then we probably could have weathered it. She just checked out. Caught her in multiple EA situations that I think were PA. How do know that anyway if your not there when they are doin' it? Ha!
When you're young you tend not to let love work. I mean there are many things that are truly heartbreaking like affairs and you say to yourself I'm young F-ck it she/he F-cked up I'm outa here! And if nobody can bridge the gap between you then it's over. This place is about taking your commitment seriously and taking yourself, life and love seriously. I know you said you are not especially religious. I consider myself more spiritual than religious but I can tell you this there is some great wisdom in that big book. You'll see people quote Corinthians 13? I believe that's it. You've heard it before at every wedding you've been to.
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not Jealous or boastful etc. It really comes in to focus when you are dealing with adversity. And I have to say when you're ready to listen it speaks to you differently during your life. Give it a read.
Also go look at my thread. Some people have been giving me some amazing advice. I didn't know when I started talking here but it seems we are in similar positions. Our spouses are not doing this because they are manipulative or cheaters. They don't know why they did it. They just feel like Sh*t inside. We can never understand that. They will continue to hurt themselves and us until they figure out the answer is inside them.
We can't do anything. Read the email I sent my W. I don't know what to tell you to do but I don't think it's time to take him back. He's got to deal with the demons.
Lostforwords posted on my thread if they come back before they're ready you will get a dog listening to, throw them a treat, and then there off! Dogs are actually better than our H and W. I am lucky I have my pup. He's keeping me sane.
Gritt
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I am going to read your posts. It is so easy being young to just say f-ck it. Especially when everyone around is mirroring that exact sentiment. I am not sure if people see dealing with this b-llsh-t as a strength or weakness..I am sometimes uncertain of it myself.
I just met my H at the bank to get my name on the savings account. He was being very charming..made references to the future when discussing some cd's we had..that we need to move them to a more long term/higher return cd. I said that I wanted to wait on that. He looked at me with loving eyes...not that blank stare that I have been so used to seeing lately. He had to deposit a check but walked me out..we talked a few minutes..smiles etc..and then he gave me a glimpse of what I don't like about him.
He asked me why I say hurtful things to him..for example- my email that I sent him today. He asked me if the only point of my email was to hurt him. I told him that my email was not an attempt to hurt him. He said when I say things like 'everyone keeps asking me that same question...and I am running out of answers.' (why I keep trying to help him). He doesn't focus on the fact that I care deeply for him and that I continue this hellish journey because of my love for him. He just sees the negatives...and still doesn't acknowledge the fact that he is HURTING me. It is just so bizarre. He will take anything and perceive it as an attack on him. I have to word things more carefully? He had that blankness in his face for a few minutes again.
I would have to say I am spiritual but not religious as well. My husband is not spiritual or religious. I feel like that is something that is lacking inside of him. He appears soul-less to me at times.
I agree about the pups..have two myself. It is funny..I just picked up my older dog from the vet after having some dental work done. My puppy- who typically annoys the cr*p out of him..was so calm and empathetic when I brought him in. She just sniffed and snuggled with him...she would typically attack him and want to play. This is so out of character. Even dogs feel empathy!!!!!!
He does need to be completely ready to come home..I agree. I also need to be ready to let him in. It will be tough with her still in his office. With these addictive relationships- you are supposed to eliminate all contact with the OW. He cannot do that. Pray that she leaves!!!
I am not even sure that I should see him during this time. Puppy suggests going as dark as possible. Should we need see a MC during this time?
I said some hurtful things to my W in the midst of the chaos. We both wanted to start a family and she is going to be 39 in May. In the middle of the fray I told her we needed to hold off on the children b/c right now I didn't think she was responsible enough to be a parent. True yes. She keeps throwing this back at me saying I broke down her spirit so much that she just needed to find somebody to appreciate her. Hello OM. She doesn't even get the consequences, doesn't see what it does to me or anyone else. It's just me and then me, and oh yeah who else ME! They only focus on themselves. Everybody is against them trying to hurt them. Where their heads are at is nutty as squirrel breakfast!
You need to detach from this situation. Set boundaries and don't gut suckered in to the game until you see real commitment. The problem is you can't force any of this he has to figure it out. I would say based on his behavior lately your marriage is not high on the list of "what makes me feel less like sh#t right now."
Back to the dog anology "oh look there's a squirrel!" that's about as much attention span they have right now. I will find the link to detachment soemone sent me and post it.
Wow! I'm just happy I got to use the word "squirrel" twice in this post! I hope I spelt it right.
Gritt
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thanks Grit The detachment article was great. Just wrapped up a girls weekend and feeling pretty good. I haven't spoken to my husband all weekend. One of my girlfriends that came for the weekend is married to my H's best friend. My H went over to see her husband last night (for the first time in 7 months). This is my H's life long best friend. My H did text me last night for directions to their house (they recently moved). I didn't respond to his text. I figured- let him call his friend for directions...I would prefer his contact with me to not be when he needs something. Practicing this dark thing as much as possible.
My friend spoke to her husband this morning and told her that they didn't talk about anything related to our marriage. My H didn't want to talk about anything which we find so strange after not seeing someone for so long and this is clearly a huge thing going on in his life. This does not surprise me though- I told my friend that they probably would not even discuss what is going on. Is this a man thing to not talk about these things? is he embarressed?
Girls are just so different- we talk about these things to exhaustion.
The lawyer finally called me back but again I missed her call. We are playing a very intense game of phone tag. She wants me to come to her office one night this week. Pull the trigger or not pull the trigger...that is the question.
So the new MC that I spoke to has an opening on Thursday night. Is it too early for MC? We are at the point where he has cut off ties with OW (so I am told) for about 1 week and we are still separated...with thoughts of him coming home the beginning of May. I keep reading about 'withdrawal'. If he is going through 'withdrawal' from OW..is this the right time to start MC? Should I let him bring up the idea of MC again before I let him know that we can start on Thursday? I want him to be completely on board with this. I don't want to force anything. He initially said he wanted to go but has not brought it up since...and I haven't either.
Pearlharbr- I do struggle with playing the 'fix it' role. I will not pursue the MC until he initiates. I wasn't comfortable about initiating it...hence my message here. Thanks for "talking" me out of it.
did your spouse suffer withdrawal from EA/PA? My H affair is not dying a natural death...he had to make a choice and he decided to end it...but it is still an addictive relationship...and he works with her each day. To me...it seems cut and dry..You made a decision..stick to it. The OW and his R with her is an A to nowhere. He is well aware of this..but still the back and forth...it leaves my head spinning..and it makes it impossible to begin gaining any kind of trust..when he cannot even trust himself.
