Okay, so she just called about the dogs. (Remember, she's still letting them out at lunch, and took a 1/2 day today to do laundry before heading home to see her folks.)
I remained calm the entire time. I asked her about apartment hunting, and she said it was looking better (finding a place that allows pets is tough here). I told her she didn't need to, that she could come home if she wanted. She admitted she'd thought about it. I asked her if she missed all the little things, she said yes. She said she didn't ever want to lose our friendship, and I told her I still wanted more - she said she didn't know if she did. I took this okay, since it's all I've been hearing for the last month +, and it wasn't a flat out "no." I told her to think about it. If she needs time apart that's fine, but just think about it.
I also told her the affair was cowardly and wrong, and that she's a better person than that. I know it's wrong to attack her, but I did it in a calm voice and she didn't get defensive.
She said she'd think about it over the weekend and call me Sunday. I know she misses the house, misses the security, misses my family, and desperately misses the dogs. She misses our friendship and all the little things. She just doesn't know if she still wants a marriage, but she still cares for me.
This felt like a positive step to me. We talked about her leaving in a calm, rational manner for the first time, and she voiced doubts. She's not 100% sold on divorce. For the first time since she dropped the bomb I feel like I have my foot in the door.
What do I do now? Do I sabotage the first real conversation we've had about the relationship without me being clingy/weepy/angry by calling the other slime's wife now? The timing couldn't work out worse. At any rate, his wife's at work and I don't know where that is, so it would have to wait until this weekend anyway when he's out doing his super cool cop stuff.
I'm going to sleep on this one. Any advice is welcome.
Peace is not the absence of conflict. Your convo with her was peaceful because you are not challenging her, and she can continue to cake-eat, unabated.
I will say this one more time, and then I will leave you alone. I only stopped here on your thread b/c someone asked me to:
THIS WAY WILL NOT WORK. Your conversation, that you think "felt right," was at first pursuing (by MWD's definition of the term), and then you tried to "teach her" that what she was doing is wrong. Both big DBing no-no's.
One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
And with that, I'll stop beating you up, as you seem to have your mind made up already.
