How to approach W about OM

[mb28]

OfficerInNeed,
Sorry, that is a very stressfull sitch. However, it's not over, she is just lashing out at you.

[4luv]

OfficerInNeed,

I am sorry that you are here on these boards. You are in for an rollercoaster UNLESS you take refuse the ride...and that is what you should do, REFUSE to ride this rollercoaster with your wife and her irrational and rude behavior. Your wife is acting completely disrespectful to you! As a women I HATE when a man lets me walk all over them. If I tell that man that the sky is green even though he sees that it is blue and he just says ok, that is a complete turn off and most women will run over him and use him for what they need him for. Don't be that man to your wife.

When you find her in a lie...don't ask her about it to see what excuse she will have to make yourself feel better...call a lie a lie and then WALK AWAY...no argument with her when you know what is going on.

You need to SHOW your wife that you are a MAN that will not ALLOW her to disrespect you and your home.

gotta run but will be back

[Allen A]

Yup, these guys are right, ignore what she's telling you day to day, its jsut her impulses...

NOW, ONE mistake you DID make...

When your wife told you he was easy to talk to...

You told her YOU were here for her..

THAT is a BIG NO NO.. you are pursuing

Let me make this point clear

1. it is GOOD to attack an affair and break it up
2. it is NOT good to pursue your spouse for relationship talk

Attakck the affair,
IGNORE talking to your spouse about marriage

Let me say it again

Attack the affair
IGNORE the talks

What you SHOULD have told her was

1. He is NOT trained to save marriages
2. He is NOT licensed
3. He has PROBLEMS of his OWN to deal with
4. It is a violation of MY privacy to open up our marital problems to someone in your workplace
5. It is disrespectful to me to lie to me about where you are giong and to sneak around with him in private

It is OK if she doen'st want to talk to you
It is OK if she wants help
It is OK if she wants someone to understand her
It is OK if she is angry with you, you HAVE made mistakes

What you need to do is

1. Tell her, its OK if you do'nt wnat to talk to me
2. Tell her it is NOT OK to talk to someone who isn't QUALIFIED to help you -- There ARE professionals that are TRAINED to help, lets call one and get us the help we need

OK?

Do NOT pursue your wife

Attack the affair, do NOT FORCE your WIFE to OPEN UP to you... ESPECIALLY if they are opening up to someone else... they will NOT talk to you right NOW

They MAY talk to a family therapist... Just get them the help they need, put them in GOOD hands, and give them SPACe... and PROTECT them from parasites until their head is straight again

1. Get them the help they need
2. Leave them alone
3. Protect them from parasites

Three tasks to save yoru marriage during a crisis

You did 3 today, but you missed on number 2.. no biggie... you had a good day

[Allen A]

Officer in need, i would definitely get some of your buddies to go have a chat with this guy... CLEARLY he is disrespecting you and he is NOT afraid of you.. YET.. give him a REASON to be...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Officer in need, i would definitely get some of your buddies to go have a chat with this guy... CLEARLY he is disrespecting you and he is NOT afraid of you.. YET.. give him a REASON to be...

What, and get them -- or you -- arrested?

LEAVE HIM BE. This is a recipe for disaster! You spoke your peace (and in a way that no one here recommended, but at least you spoke it), and there's no sense in escalating things. There are other ways to verify no-contact, and to lay out (and enforce) your boundaries.

He's a pimple on your ass from here on out.

Tell your wife "I decided that I was no longer going to allow the two of you to lie to your spouses anymore. Let's get some good counseling, and we can talk about it further."

Puppy

[chatterbug]

good advice puppy. I agree

[4luv]

"I told her as long as we are married you will not make these calls any longer, you need to respect me at the very least.

I don't know what is going through her head right now but she is certain she wants out."

I was typing when you wrote your latest update. Watch your wording. The above sounds controlling to me. She can continue to make the calls but YOU have the choice of how you react. Make some boundaries and when she crosses them then she has the consequences that you have determined (i.e. you no longer pay for the phone bill, etc.). Leave the choice with her but you have your boundaries in place.

[Allen A]

Pup, i wasn't suggesting any violence take place, just a demonstration of presence and consequences is all...

If this creep KNOWS there are police watching him, he will think twice about moving in on someone's wife...

And I do NOT reccomend the H be there at the time of the visit

[Allen A]

OIN, if your wife keeps saying she needs someone to talk to, I would emphasize this man is NOT a qualified family therapist and is in NO POSITION to give even half way useful advice

If she wants help, as you said, say lets get you some help... but this guy ain't it.

Lastly OIN... you need to STOP focussing on what she says.

When she says she wants out... what she MEANs is "I am miserable"... you need to learn to SHUT out the negative stuff...

I think you said you don't have children yet.. so, imagine a child yelling to their mother "I hate you, you're a horrible mother"...

Children do this ALL THE TIME.. its extortive.. its an attempt by teh child to force the mother to SUBMIT to the child's authority... a GOOD mother will just stand back and let the child rant... not angry, not affectionate, just indifferent..

Let your wife RANT...

Ignore IT... when YOU consume her negative energy, it stays in teh ROOM and she FEEDS off it LATER..

you need to getnerate POSITIVE energy.. I am NOT saying be warm and kind, your wife is cheating...

I am saying, FEEL good, FEEL focussed, feel optimistic when you speak on the phone to people, when you takl to anyone.. sh will FEED off THAT instead of HER crappy mood.

Her affair makes her MORE miserable, but YOU can offset that at least by projecting something positive

You need to learn to let her rants DROP to the FLOOR.. right now you ar PICKING them UP and CARRYING them AROUND with you... that's going to give you anxiety over the next few weeks if you don't stop it.

And thats just giong to give your WIFE anxiety.. put a STOP to it on YOUR END... NOW.

[OfficerInNeed]

Thanks for all the advice. After reading my post and thinking about what I said, I did come across as controlling and that is the last behavior I want to exhibit right now.

Every time I suggested we or her alone get professional help she shoots it down and says "They cannot make a person change their mind, I don't want to be with you and that is it, so I am not going to talk to anyone.

My wife tells me everyone is telling her that she should get out now because it is not good for her mental well being. One person in particular is her father. Now I would think that if a father had any indication his daughter is in a bad situation he would speak out about it and approach me on it, he has not. I can't say she is not telling the truth but that is just my take.

I also learned she is painting a bad picture of me to others she speaks to...leading these individuals to believe things were physical between here and I. She is at the point where she is now fabricating stories to make it worse than it ever was, so much that she has started to believe in her thoughts (such as I did with my insecurities).

My question is what do I do from here? Do I offer for her to go out and do things with me or do I shut her out to an extent? I want to create a positive environment for her but I also don't want to mislead her and le her believe it was OK what she done even though she find no problem in it.

As far as the OM situation I will just have to monitor it. Talk tot he OMW as often s I can and encourage friends to "look out." Last I heard, OM was crying to his wife and she threw him out again.