how do i keep my hope alive?

[chatterbug]

I find it interesting that your H deploys some very passive aggressive controlling techniques on you and you may not realize it. An example would be contacting you around when you were moving.

As someone with ADHD too, I think that is a fear reaction when we realize the attention lack might be leading to something that could be bad, but we are unsure. 'Reach out and test the waters' kind of thing. It looks and feels passive-agressive, but for me at least, it is often reactionary. Not very helpful to a R, I'm sure!

CB, do you think that is something to deal with if TTA gets as far as MC, or is there a way to prompt him (and me!) to deal with it before reconciling?

I feel that this would be one of top issues to work on and resolve. It would be part of breaking the cycle. Passive aggressive behaviours are very damaging. And its something a man needs to learn to stop doing them.

Passive Aggressive behaviours counter taking full responsibility for your relationship. Your countering your feelings and fearing your wife and hiding out to avoid issues at home.
Think of it this way.
"Compassion for my family trumps my need to be right"
"I speak my mind in spite of my fear of confrontation" Quotes from Wayne M. Levine.


If you have not read the book Hold on to your NUTS by Wayne M Levine please do. There is a chapter called Silence the little boy. Here we call it setting boundaries and expressing how you feel. But the goal is the same. Learning what your core values are and enforcing them. Be true to your feelings. Never be afraid to express them. Never apologize for your feelings.
VS.
I cannot talk about this she "nags" me so I am going to be silent. Withhold intimacy. Call her names, control her. ETC ( what ever the person does )...

This is a 180 that you can work on and her H can work on. ADHD or not. We all have our coping skills that we deploy. He needs to be taught different coping skills.

Right now its.
ALL NEW >> COMPLACENCY >> DEPLOY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE TENDENCIES >> tta countering >> FLIGHT >> SILENCE >> ALL NEW >> COM.....

tta needs to attack complacency and passive aggressive tendencies to break the cycle. And this cycle happens very quickly between them. Which I agree with her Mother on.