OK, the FT will likley have a point here, but my advise is
1. Separate appointments ... at LEAST three for him to get a feel for BOTH of you FREE from the other being in the room
2. Once he knows the issues of BOTH sides, and has had a chance to compare notes (he will filter out the exaggeration and such) he will gradually reccomend some ideas ... ideas he gets from the spouse in private actaully, but to the spouse in the session, it looks like its coming from him.. see?
3. So, if he wants to meet BOTH of you together, that is a bit of a put - off.. MWD even said she usually splits couples up very early on to get an honest appraisal, they aren't distracted when thre isn't a spouse in the room - the FT gets their full attention
4. He may want to meet you two as a copule first to see the dynamic, THEn he may split you up to talk privately.. it could be etiher way... find out about that...
Re your H going, I would talk to the FT for at least 30 mins on your own... you ARE HIRING this person to do WORK for you, so he SHOULD be interviewed...
in my opinion these therapists are getting away with murder here
1. They offer services w/o a free consult - even a lawyer offers a free consult 2. They assume they are qualified to help you when they aren't always even close 3. They charge an OUTRAGEIOUS amount of money for their time
Now, this said, they CAN help, and a spouse hearing good advice from an AUTHORITY FIGURE has a HUGE influence on them... so its a GOOD thing to have even if it costs a lot
I know plumbers who charge 50 an hour... and they are just as knowledgeable about thier subject... even if they are grimier when they are done lol
So, ya, once you talk to the FT, they may say something on the matter of inviting your H
I think at text or email to him is fine... I am NOT a family therapist though, and I don't presume to be no...
But you CAN challenge them.. feel free to do that... these guys get away with MURDER ... they hide behind a PhD and just assume you should fall at their feet and hand your marriage over them for a guinea pig...
I don't know about you , but for example my wife LOVES her car, she would not let ANYONE work on her car except for ONE GUY she trusts... she WORSHIPS that car and is very good friends with this mechanic, she even gives him an x-mas gift. WOuld you treat your marriage with any less care... ?
So, ya if the FT is ok with that and YOU are ok with that, have him invited for a PRIVATE session.. i do NOT reccomend you be in teh room when he talks to the FT.
My last questino is... WHAT has this FT been doing for 20 years?
What kind of problems excite him? How many affairs has he dealt with? Ask him to tell you the DETAILS as much as he can so you know he KNOWS what these things involve
1. The lying 2. THe antaognism 3. The sneaking around 4. The scatterbrained WS who can't make up their mind 5. The defensiveness 6. The excuses 7. The negative script they throw at you all the time
All of this should be second nature to him.. if its not.. steer clear...
Ask him how he handles things, if the spouse says they wont commit to No contact, ask him how he DEALS with a spouse having an affair who will NOT END CONTACt... its a VERY provocative question... and his answer will be very telling...
