I was told I needed to start a new thread....too long, but I know I needed a new one for other reasons too.
I have been at this a LONG time. I am finally getting to the point where I KNOW what this is really all about, and I am REALLY trying to get there. I have made progress, although some here may doubt that. I do know that I will survive. I know that I can live without H in my life. I know that I can survive divorce. I didn't believe that when I came here. I know that this is all about finding ME and what makes me happy as an individual, rather than saving my marriage----because I can't do that alone.
I have re-entered the work force. I spend way too much time trying to juggle all of my responsibilities and spend time with my kids---so I have very little time to GAL, but I do when I can. I go out with friends, I learned two new (hobby) skills that I don't have time to do----but I have the knowledge. I have adjusted to not having H in my life----and to virtually no contact with him. But, he is pusing for the D now. I have seen a L and know it is only a matter of time before the paperwork begins.
I think in order to truly move forward, and fully detach I need help with how to process the memories that I have----30 years of life with my H. When I run through them in my mind I can't imagine how we got here. I get stuck on what I remember and what I believed to be true, and have trouble accepting that none of that means anything to H anymore-----no matter how many times, or how many ways he tells me he is done----I can't make myself believe it, because it doesn't make sense to me.
I have done my best to do what I thought I needed to do to bring H back to me. It hasn't worked, and I feel like I've failed. I failed with my marriage. I've failed with DB. I've failed my kids by letting things get to this point. I know where I was when all of this began. I know what I did wrong, and I have changed from that person. I know that I could do better if given another chance.
Yes, I know that my H failed me. He failed us. He had the A. He is the one that is DONE. He is the one that put us HERE----but I still feel that he wouldn't be at this point, he wouldn't have had the A, if I were a better wife.....If I had recoginized what was happening and made changes sooner....I know this sounds pitiful.....but I do have these feelings. I cannot remove the blame from myself. I do think H is having a MLC-----but maybe I'm wrong about that too. Maybe THIS really is who he is and has been for all of these years, only keeping it hidden....
It doesn't help that I still love my H with all of my heart. I would drop everything and go to him if given the chance. I know that I could make our M work if he wasn't so DONE. I don't understand with everthing he's said and done why I cannot stop loving him. He says that he has stopped loving me, why can't I turn off my love for him?
At times I feel anger building inside of me----anger for all that he's done to US and our family, but the guilt that I have for my role in gettting us here seeps in and I know in my heart that I would take him back in an instant, because I still love him. I also fear that if I let the anger take over nothing good could ever happen and my kids would suffer. I cannot let the anger replace the love that I have.
Am I beyond help????
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
No, of course not. I hate to sound like a cliche`, but it takes time. You haven't detached yourself enough yet. I don't feel much of anything when I see my ex, he is gaining weight, losing his hair and I see all of that because I don't have those feelings anymore.
I think you have to try and stop looking for the answers. You know your side of it and you may never know his. These are his choices. He crossed a line and got you all here. This isn't about you, this is about HIM.
You can only do the work on yourself. Try to find the peace you need within yourself. It isn't easy shutting all of the feeling and memories off but you need to find a way to move yourself forward.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I see many statements in your post that could have come from me as well, and I am only starting along the path that you have walked. I don't know what encouragement I can offer - other than to say you are not alone in how you feel. You say you still love your spouse and would gladly drop everything to go to them - ditto. You say you have lots of anger - ditto. Thirty years of relationship - ditto. Finding detachment so incredibly hard - ditto. I ask myself the same questions, wonder how this can be, wonder how to get thru this. You are definitely not alone out there. For me - I am taking one day or one hour if need be at a time. It sounds like you've made progress - so really - look at the small steps you've taken already - and pat yourself on the back that you've moved forward. I struggle daily too - but I can honestly say when I concentrate on myself instead of thinking of spouse - I definitely do better.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
I know this is an extra hard week for me, and hopefully next week will be better. H's birthday is Sunday. It will be the 2nd in 30 years that we haven't been together. My father passed away 5 years ago on 3/3, buried 3/5. One of my outside dogs became very ill and I called the vet who met me out at the house this morning. The vet told me that he thought it was cancer of the spleen. Max was 14 years old and suffering, so I had to have him put to sleep. My first L appt. was Tuesday of this week and all this week I've been preparing to take my kids to competition this weekend, and am stressed about that.
I sent H a text to tell him about Max---didn't expect an answer, and of course did not get one. There's really nothing that can be said, but he was his dog too.
The memories do not stop. There is not one thing in my daily life that does not remind me of H and what we had. I know that focussing on myself helps---to a point, because I am beginning to get caught up in the worry about my financial future.
I will look forward to competition tomorrow and hopefully next week will be better.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
The anger you're feeling is very normal. Like many intense emotions that come with his MLC, it will have to be dealt with, and is a part of your growing. You'll have to give yourself permission to feel and go through it, coming to terms and a measure of peace with it all. You can still love someone, yet STILL be enraged at what they've done..it is not the feeling that's wrong, it's the ACTIONS you undertake to deal that can make it wrong.
Separating the behavior from the person is very important in order to process what you feel in the way of anger, etc.
Somewhere in your heart, you will ALWAYS love him, but you will know in time you could NOT do anything for him to help him...and so, you let go of him, moving on to other and better things.
One of the possiblities in this is moving on to a place where, you still love him, but are no longer in love with him....and if he should come back after a long period of time, you might no longer want him. That is a scary thought at this point, but one everyone ends up dealing with at one time or another; even "I" had to deal with that possiblity if my marriage had NOT made it.
But, think about it, you would NOT want him back in the shape he's in now; it could kill what you felt, as the damage would get worse and worse, a human being can only take so much before they are more or less forced to turn away from it to protect themselves.
Each of us move forward at our own pace, no one can "tell" you how to get through, moving forward to the other side.
Some LBS get stuck in the grieving process, refusing to move forward, doing a great deal of damage to themselves, grieving continuously, eventually becoming bitter..that's another possibility of this.
Time heals all things, all wounds...and time works when nothing else does. There will be many things you will NEVER get an answer for; you come to a point when you can accept that, and continue to move on, anyway, toward your healing.
My suggestion and advice would be to stop looking at him entirely, and continue to look within yourself, walking your journey, one day at at a time, one step at a time.
Nothing you can do for him, except to let him go, and wish him the best because you do still love him...and love is a "letting go and letting God do His work."
If it is meant to be, your husband will come back, if it is not, you will need to(and I can't say have to because no one HAS to do anything)continue the process of working on YOU.
My heart is breaking for you, and I understand your feelings, believe me I do. There is SO much pain coming off your post, it is nearly overwhelming to me. I want to wrap you in my arms and make it all ok, but I don't have the capacity to do anything except to do this:
((((((((((This can't be the end)))))))))))))))
I'm praying, as I pray for all on this board, for strength, understanding, and for God to be with you and help you understand what you are able, but most of all, to help you to heal.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
ThisCan'tBeTheEnd, First let me say I feel for you. What a week you must be exhausted. The dog alone would have had me down for a couple of days.
One thing I wanted to share with you that I just learned this week. Hopefully it helps you as much as it did me. The anger and resentment you are feeling are the result of your mind trying to cover the pain. Eventually we have to deal with the real pain involved in the lose of our relationships. This is very much like dealing with a death. You need to mourn your loss in order to deal with the next step in the grieving process. Once you deal with the pain the anger will go away and you will be able to love you H again if you choose.
We have to accept the reality of our given situations. Our old relationships don't exist any more. That doesn't mean we can't have a better relationship in the future.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
One thing I wanted to share with you that I just learned this week. Hopefully it helps you as much as it did me. The anger and resentment you are feeling are the result of your mind trying to cover the pain. Eventually we have to deal with the real pain involved in the lose of our relationships. This is very much like dealing with a death. You need to mourn your loss in order to deal with the next step in the grieving process. Once you deal with the pain the anger will go away and you will be able to love you H again if you choose.
We have to accept the reality of our given situations. Our old relationships don't exist any more. That doesn't mean we can't have a better relationship in the future.
Love this C-Bart!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
