flowmom | need to commit to myself

[givingitmyall]

If you aren't ready to deal with all the issues, just pick a small one and see if the exercise helps...It WILL.

You have a lot of the same thoughts and beliefs I had (and some I still do).

If I love H enough he will love me back.

Nope. You know this. You can't MAKE someone love you. He CHOOSES to love you or not. Out of your control.

H can't assume the full responsibility of being a parent.

I understand the cause for your concern, but as long as the kids are in no danger (which I would submit is a different issue), this is HIS problem.

I can't make it on my own financially.

Yes, you can. May require some short term sacrifice, but you CAN. Have you sat down to figure this one out?

My value derives from what H values in me.

No, it DOES NOT. THIS is co-dependence. Your value does not come from external sources. You value, and happiness, comes from within yourself. And, yes, I was guilty of this way of thinking too.

H needs my influence to be a good person and father.

No, he needs to be a MAN, HUSBAND and FATHER on his own. NOT b/c of something you do.

H will die if I don't take care of him physically.

No. He will have to do those things for himself. Which he should be doing anyway. (See, Be a MAN).

A mate is for life.

That's what the vows said, didn't they? But, unfortunately, we LBS's are only half the equation. Takes 2 to make a M work but only 1 to tear it apart. I feel for you on this one and still struggle with it.

My children will be scarred for life by divorce.

Scarred, but not RUINED or DESTROYED. This one still gets to me in a big way. But, in the end, we have no control over this. And, truth is, while this isn't the kind of rough time you want them to go through, life is composed of set backs and unfairness. So, not the result you want for them, but may not be avoidable. And, they will learn from it, and the experience will probably make YOU closer to them. Has in mine.

It's better to not know the whole truth.

Personal preference there. And there is no wrong answer.

If I "fix" H's complaints about me, we can heal our marriage.

No, then, like me, you will discover they still want a D. Meaning it isn't, and probably never was, about YOU. It's about their unhappiness and their inability to treat it in a healthy way.

I can avoid failure in my M if I just work hard enough.

Nope, you can't. You are 50% of the M decision. But, you CAN avaid failure in yourself. Which is why we all work on ourselves.

Divorce is the worst thing that could happen to me.

No, not by a long shot. I can think of lots of things worse than D. Thankfully, D is the worst thing that has happened in my life so far.

I deserve to suffer for my faults.

I deserve to suffer for my mistakes.

No, you don't. Own your wrongs (we all have them) and correct what you need to. Then let them go.

My needs and wants are less important than those of others in the family.

Absolutely not true. If you don't take care of yourself, you cannot take care of anyone else. First, you have to be happy.

Great job identifying unreasonable beliefs. I'll give you one of mine - that I will be alone the rest of my life. Not likely, but scary. I realized that God has a plan for me (sorry if your not religious) and that plan did not include me being alone. So, either He would return my W to me to work on a new, healthy M or He would have me meet someone who needed me more than my W and with whom I could find happiness I have never known. Win-Win.