flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

Well, if you want encouragement and the possibility of reconciliation, you probably don't want to read mine.

No, I need to read about all sitches, not just ones that look like they're on the reconciliation track.

On the spiraling down, stop and take a deep breath. What is it that is the root cause for your spiraling? Probably fear, at some base level. Fear of what, exactly?

If you can identify the base fear, ask yourself whether the belief upon which the fear is based is a reasonable belief.

I've started on that process by identifying a lot of irrational beliefs that are interfering with detaching from my M:

If I love H enough he will love me back.

H can't assume the full responsibility of being a parent.

I can't make it on my own financially.

My value derives from what H values in me.

H needs my influence to be a good person and father.

H will die if I don't take care of him physically.
[my father died months after my mother and my sister (1yo) and I (3yo) left him]

A mate is for life.

My children will be scarred for life by divorce.

It's better to not know the whole truth.

If I "fix" H's complaints about me, we can heal our marriage.

I can avoid failure in my M if I just work hard enough.

Divorce is the worst thing that could happen to me.

I deserve to suffer for my faults.

I deserve to suffer for my mistakes.

My needs and wants are less important than those of others in the family.

Looking and these beliefs will probably be a painful process. And frankly I need to figure out whether I can afford to do this kind of work when I am feeling so shaky. I can't afford to open an emotional Pandora's box right now.