In the last 6 months... I've been in therapy starting with 2 days a week - now its to e/o week. I've "re-discovered" myself during those sessions. I've discovered things about myself and why I was functioning in certain ways - and how to change what I didn't like about that - in those sessions. I've identified what I did to contribute to the demise of my marriage. I've learned to set goals and follow through. I've been able to fully support myself financially, pay my mortgage and buy new shoes I've realized that I don't NEED my H, that deep down I love him and probably always will, and that I deserve to be treated better than this - love or not. I've learned that I have a much LARGER support network than I ever thought I did. I've discovered who my true friends are and what real trust is. I've lost 30 lbs and re-discovered my love of running. I've (almost) completely re-done my house in my own style and made it MY home. I've developed two new hobbies - Belly Dancing and Salsa Dancing. I've started to explore the idea of dating other people - I can now at least CONSIDER the possibility of being with someone other than H. I've learned the true meaning of unconditional love. I'm learning the true meaning of forgiveness. I've learned to how to set appropriate boundaries with everyone in my life. I've stuck to the commitments I made the day I got married - this marriage will end in one affair - not two. I've learned what it really takes to be a great partner - and I know I will be a wonderful partner next time. I found a strength within myself that could never of imagined I had - I would never have believed it if I hadn't been living it. Most importantly.. I've learned to be true to my feelings, honor them and "feel" them for what they are. I've been able to identify what I'm feeling and properly label them. I've learned to deal with them properly - but not let them control my life. I've learned to make decisions based on my value system and not my feelings at the time.
I'm genuinely happy and grateful for everything I have in my life - despite being deeply saddened by the choices H has made and wishing in the end things didn't have to be this way - I AM VERY GRATEFUL for the list above and the MANY good things that have come out of my seperation. I am not sure I would be where I am mentally if H hadn't walked out and given me the wake up call of a lifetime. I'm almost over being sad that it came to that... almost. I've almost come to terms with everything... and I'm almost ready to be done and move on with my life.
T
Yes, yes, yes. I feel the exact same way. The whole sitch made me question whether or not I loved H. There is nothing lovable about him, hasn't been for months. Not even anything likable. Yet despite that, have learned that I love that man more than any other person in the world, barring me.
Sunday will be 6 months for me. Today is our 5th wedding anniversary. I don't feel as bad as I thought I would.
Getting ready to go to work, put on a grand happy hour for my regs & no one will even know what today is. Have plans w/BFF after work, need to do something kind for myself, whatever that may be.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
