Hey GW, Thanks so much! You are helping me get a better perspective on this whole thing. I do know that I will ride through this part of the roller coaster ride, and it does make a huge difference that H and I are on the ride together. Facing these things together is creating a bond for us that is deeper than we have experienced before.
But... underlying all that is this nagging feeling that is the leftover of broken trust. It is this sense of "do I want to ride this roller coaster with you, or get off now while I still can...?" I think it is going to be some time yet before I can feel fully resolved about that.
H was reassuring me last night about being the ultimate winner in this too... and I teased him and said, "so, you think you are that much of a prize do you?" and we had a good chuckle over that. It is nice to be able to laugh together again. And, sometimes that is the only way to get through these things.
But, seriously... my H was telling me I am a winner in this no matter what, because I maintained my honor and integrity through it all. No one can take that away from me. And, no measly award can touch that!
I found time away from the boards was important for me because as the intensity of the "crisis" of my M sitch had mostly passed, it gave emotional "room" for all the trauma to come up and come out, whether I liked it or not. I have had a few weeks of a lot of emotional purging... lots of tears, lots of anger, lots of venting etc. Sometimes at H, sometimes alone on walks or drives. I have just felt very emotionally raw and vulnerable. I just couldn't handle other people's pain for a while.
My emotions coming out, and also finding myself being triggered alot, caused my H to think things were getting worse, that he had done too much damage, that he had "ruined a good woman" etc. He became quite down and despondent, saying a lot of hopeless things. This, of course, created a negative cycle we were stuck in the past few weeks, and it has been awful and painful. On top of that our financial stress has not gotten any better and neither one of us feels strong enough to deal with that, yet we have to. So, we've not been in good shape.
This all lead to me doing serious questioning of the M. I found myself wondering what in the world I was continuing to subject myself to this for. Would my H be seriously depressed forever and would I never be able to experience what I need in a R to heal from this nightmare? I became quite seriously depressed myself I think... and, at some very low points in the past few weeks honestly just wanted to die. Now.... before anyone panics, this does not mean I was suicidal. I would never, ever do that to my kids. Ever. But, I just wanted to die. If that makes sense....
Then.... I had a breakthrough IC session on Wednesday. My IC had discussed the possibility of doing EMDR work with me before, and said it is very helpful for people with trauma, PTSD etc. She said she thought it would really help me. On Wednesday I told her let's do it, I am desperate to feel better and find my way through this.
It was unbelievable! I highly recommend this form of therapy if you feel you have been traumatized in your sitch (which many of us have). I can't explain it, but from what I understand it does something to release the way your brain has "locked" in the emotions/thoughts around the trauma and allow you to "re-wire" your brain around the trauma with more positive emotions and thoughts.
After a 90 min. session I felt calm, at peace and in control. I felt much more detached from what had happened to me and I finally, finally, finally could believe on a GUT level that this was not about me. I was able to actually finally see that I am OK, I am special, I am able to make decisions about my own life, no matter what H has done or will do. If our M does not survive this, I am OK. If my H ever betrayed my trust again, I am OK. If we make it through this and fully restore our M, I am OK.
I feel empowered.
It is not some miracle cure or quick fix. I will need more EMDR sessions to really work through the process. And, I am still grieving and struggling. But, I feel like I can manage it, and I feel more able to make decisions.
I met my H right after the session. He could not believe the change in me. It was visible. We had a very calm, healthy conversation about some of what has been happening in the past few weeks. We made real progress in that discussion, because I was calm and centered. He was able to clarify some things, and I was able to state some things I needed to say. It's still really hard, but we made progress. And, the next day we finally, finally, finally were able to talk about finances. That has been a terrible burden for me that we havent been able to do that without it turning into a HUGE stressful thing where he shuts down every time and I left carrying it alone. I feel like we are getting to a place where we can be a team again on this.
We still have huge stress in our life, probably too much. And this is making our reconciling efforts very difficult. But, at least we can talk about it more easily now.
Ok, the prescription is....EMDR for all LBSs! Works for me!~ Seriously, though, I am thrilled at this good news. YOu really took care of yourself, changed yourself, changed the dynamic. You inspire me too.
