How do you forget....how do you turn off the love?

[ddstartingover]

I was told I needed to start a new thread....too long, but I know I needed a new one for other reasons too.

I have been at this a LONG time. I am finally getting to the point where I KNOW what this is really all about, and I am REALLY trying to get there. I have made progress, although some here may doubt that. I do know that I will survive. I know that I can live without H in my life. I know that I can survive divorce. I didn't believe that when I came here. I know that this is all about finding ME and what makes me happy as an individual, rather than saving my marriage----because I can't do that alone.

I have re-entered the work force. I spend way too much time trying to juggle all of my responsibilities and spend time with my kids---so I have very little time to GAL, but I do when I can. I go out with friends, I learned two new (hobby) skills that I don't have time to do----but I have the knowledge. I have adjusted to not having H in my life----and to virtually no contact with him. But, he is pusing for the D now. I have seen a L and know it is only a matter of time before the paperwork begins.

I think in order to truly move forward, and fully detach I need help with how to process the memories that I have----30 years of life with my H. When I run through them in my mind I can't imagine how we got here. I get stuck on what I remember and what I believed to be true, and have trouble accepting that none of that means anything to H anymore-----no matter how many times, or how many ways he tells me he is done----I can't make myself believe it, because it doesn't make sense to me.

I have done my best to do what I thought I needed to do to bring H back to me. It hasn't worked, and I feel like I've failed. I failed with my marriage. I've failed with DB. I've failed my kids by letting things get to this point. I know where I was when all of this began. I know what I did wrong, and I have changed from that person. I know that I could do better if given another chance.

Yes, I know that my H failed me. He failed us. He had the A. He is the one that is DONE. He is the one that put us HERE----but I still feel that he wouldn't be at this point, he wouldn't have had the A, if I were a better wife.....If I had recoginized what was happening and made changes sooner....I know this sounds pitiful.....but I do have these feelings. I cannot remove the blame from myself. I do think H is having a MLC-----but maybe I'm wrong about that too. Maybe THIS really is who he is and has been for all of these years, only keeping it hidden....

It doesn't help that I still love my H with all of my heart. I would drop everything and go to him if given the chance. I know that I could make our M work if he wasn't so DONE. I don't understand with everthing he's said and done why I cannot stop loving him. He says that he has stopped loving me, why can't I turn off my love for him?


At times I feel anger building inside of me----anger for all that he's done to US and our family, but the guilt that I have for my role in gettting us here seeps in and I know in my heart that I would take him back in an instant, because I still love him. I also fear that if I let the anger take over nothing good could ever happen and my kids would suffer. I cannot let the anger replace the love that I have.

Am I beyond help????