Puppy- not another partner..just an associate. But it makes me question how much they know...and how much they actually acknowledge. They are soo busy...two separate offices...I think they may just turn a blind eye to these things.. Too busy to even pay attention. Sadly.
He used to always do or try to do the right thing.
I ended up texting him "speeding ticket?". He called me this morning in response to it and was in one of his moods. I asked him why he didn't tell me about the ticket and he said that we had bigger things going on and didn't think the 4 pt speeding ticket was all that important. (which he got on the way home from OW house)
I then asked if he spoke to OW. He told me that the OW texted him last night to see if he was OK. He told me that he didn't respond to her and does not intend on responding to her. He told me that he thinks of the following as 2 separate things: 1) He is ending his affair because it is not what he wants and it is no good 2) He has decided to commit to his marriage because that is what he should have been doing all along and try to make it work.
I asked him if he thinks she is going to leave her job. He said that she will not run just because she is hurt. He then asked "you can understand that right"...I responded..she messed with a married man- did she not expect to get hurt. He responded..she loves me..this is hard for her but she has a family to support. I said "she has done this before..did she not know what she was getting herself into?". He responded with "I am not going to discuss this further with you..I havent had my coffee".
I asked him if he feels remorse about his affair..and the response I got was ..sometimes I do (angry tone). "I don't when you question me about a stupid speeding ticket." This is the attitude that I do not want to deal with. My blood is boiling. He then proceeded to say that he was going to go now..because he hasn't had his coffee and wants to eat his bagel. He told me to say goodbye so he didn't have to just hang up. I hung up instead.
How do we even start to rebuild when he is still licking his wounds and being a complete jerk? I need to change the dynamic here. I don't want to be the person he is just coming back to because it is the right thing to do.
I can't respond to this yet I haven't had my coffee... be back at you later...
LOL. too funny.
Quote:
He then proceeded to say that he was going to go now..because he hasn't had his coffee and wants to eat his bagel. He told me to say goodbye so he didn't have to just hang up. I hung up instead.
"i'm too tired to talk my way out of this one. it's a losing game i've had enough...."
sooo funny. A friend of mine recommended a MC that she was seeing. I was on the phone with her for about two hours. I think I got more out of my conversation with her than I have gotten out of all my IC sessions over the past 6 months.
Obviously our time was limited...but she believes that his therapy will be extensive. There are many issues going on and it will not be an overnight fix...especially because he is opposed to medication. She says that bipolar tendencies are very strongly inherited and that by what I explained..she believes that this is probably the case. I always thought of bipolar as being very manic over months...and then depressed over months. My husbands moods are hourly. She told me that they can cycle hourly. My husband also doesnt appear manic (symptoms that I read)...she said that the manic phase manifests itself in many different ways and can also be very subtle. But the cycling typically does occur.
She questioned me on why I want to save my marriage (she asked the same question several times in several different ways)... I didnt really have any good answers. I think I have been just so determined to save the marriage..I really haven't given this enough thought...or at least enough logical thought. She also said that some people just need to exhaust all options before they throw in the towel..
The coffee comment is just a taste of the way my husband behaves. It is not only directed to me although I typically bear the brunt of this.
Leaving the hospital the other night...H didnt even say goodbye to his mother. They have always been so close. He is angry with her for telling him that she does not need to accept all of the decisions that he makes in his life..especially when he is being so self destructive. He won't speak to her since then. His mother was devastated. My H told me this morning that he was going to have a talk with his mother and let her know that if she wants to have a son and ever see him..she must accept whatever decisions that he makes- good or bad. My MIL has always been so supportive of everything he has done..it is breaking her heart to hear him talk to her the way he has.
Is he just super manipulative? I have lived with this man for 10 years..I am somewhat used to this behavior..numb..The MC said she would like to meet with my separately..It made me feel like I may have just accepted his behavior even though it is somewhat abusive. (just by some of the questions she was asking me). I have always been a strong person..but now I am questioning my motive to save the marriage. Is it my strength? or is it because I have been worn down by him?
You are about the same age I was when my fisrt marriage ended. Wish I had DB back then. I think also for same length of time I was married ten years we met in college made a lot of money both of us. Took trips all over. No kids. In the DB book she talks about the lasting wounds. That is very much the truth. You do have a lot of your life ahead of you. You can start another one.
But don't kid yourself that the ghost of this one will EVER go completely away. My ex called me couple of weeks ago. I think she heard about my separation from W. She is now 45. Never remarried no kids. Makes a crap load of $. She asked me what happened with W. I didn't want to tell her. We don't speak that often now. She said "I know this might sound strange, and I'm not sure if she would take my call, by would like to call her and tell her that she is making the biggest mistake of her life if she split with you." Self serving for ex? Maybe.
The point is that H does probably have a mental disorder. It will be tough to deal with the rest of your life. Can it be managed. Yes. Will it be managed? up to him not you. Just make sure your decision is based in careful consideration for everything so you can live with it. You can't blame it on him fully. He is sick. My W is sick. We are not abandoning them if they continue not to take care of their illness. The question is how much time do you want to give this?
Nothing extraordinary happens when you make the easy choice.
Gritt
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thank you for this. I am feeling completely torn right now. I am speaking to the attorney this afternoon and for about 24 hours I have been pretty sure that I need to end this. The therapist said she would not let him back in. I wrote him this email this morning:
I dont know why...but it does continue to surprise me how your lies know no bounds...even though it is now just who you are..so predictable. I have continued to defend your actions but I am not so sure what I am defending. You prove me wrong every time you have the opportunity to do so. I have tried to talk you out of destroying yourself..do you still not see what you have risked? Your marriage, your dogs, your home, your savings, your relationships, your career, integrity, reputation....
and for what?
I have to stop questioning why you would risk so much for so very little..and just accept that you have and continue to. But I do not have to accept the way you have been treating me. There is no excuse in the world that makes it ok to continuously lie and treat me with disrespect. I never deserved it from you and I am not really sure why I have allowed it. I am also not sure why I have stooped to your level on occasion when everything in me knows that I am so much better than this.
You say that you are getting help...but I am not sure if you have fully accepted that there is something very not right. You say it is because you had an affair...and many people do have affairs...but not many people behave like you have. I decided on so many occasions to swallow my pride and my hurt (sometimes unsuccessfully) to try to help you and talk you out of destroying yourself ..Why? everyone keeps asking me that same question...and I am running out of answers. My faith in you is undeserved. Except for the rare occasion, you don't ever even stop to think how you continue to hurt me and treat me. I would treat a stranger better than you have treated me. You have cheapened me by cheapening yourself with this crazy trash filled relationship that you won't completely end with a person that has the morals and values of a parasite.
There is so little left of our marriage right now and I don't have a man to work through any of this with...I am dealing with a 16 year old teenager. Clearly my marriage hasn't been successful so perhaps I don't have the right to preach on what marriage should be...but I do know what is necessary to make any relationship work... A level of maturity, mutual respect, honesty and commitment. None of this exists now.
He called me 3 minutes later asking me what I was doing. He said that he agreed to staying out for another month. He thinks it is best that we do have these 2 months apart- he can lick his wounds (my term) and go through withdrawal (my term)and I can think things through. Why wasn't he doing this two months ago??? He said he has ended the affair for good. He knows that it will not go anywhere and has just caused more problems than they are worth. He also considers our marriage separately. Unsure if we are able to save it. I told him that I was unsure too but I don't want to take a risk if he isn't 150% committed to trying. He said he needs to get through what he is going through right now...but he wants to put all his efforts in trying to save our marriage and honor his commitment. He also said that he didnt want to not talk or see me for the next 2 months.. He said "i know your social calendar is always so booked..but perhaps you can make time to fit me in somewhere?"
I am so confused. Knowing that my husband is licking the wounds from a relationship that he shouldnt have had is a tough pill to swallow on top of the other pills I have been forced to swallow. I am also worried that if he comes home..will he be thinking about her the entire time? will our normal life not be exciting enough for him? Every time he is unhappy..will I be worried? He is not the type of person that will be kissing my butt for the rest of my life to make sure I am OK. I will not be as willing to deal with his sh*t after all of this...meaning his moodiness. Haven't I accumulated enough scars to be exempt from any further abuse?
But the alternative option of divorce is equally as painful..splitting up pictures and music and furniture. The goodbye.
Gritt- that must have made you feel pretty good when your first wife said those things.. I don't know what the sitch was with her..but it must be comforting that she looks back with some regret.
Will I look back on my H in the same way you are looking at your ex? Like it is sort of just...well insignificant?
