Wow, what a night! The gains I/we have made in the last couple of weeks seem to have evaporated overnight. W was in bad, bad mood when I got home from work. I said "Hi there" and got a grunt in return. Didn't ask what was wrong, just small talk. Then the kids ran in the room telling me about their day and off I went to play with them. Later, I gave them showers and got them in bed. I took a shower and came in the kitchen to get a drink, she came in, I told her I was going to bed. She gave me a kiss that barely touched my lips and went to watch TV. I didn't ask if she was coming to bed or not. She slept on the couch all night. Got up this morning and more of the same, all pissy. Got ready for work early and she asked why I was ready so early. I said I had to go in early to get some stuff caught up. I gave the kids a kiss and walked through the kitchen to get a cup of coffee to go and told her see you tonight. She said OK and I left. No kiss this morning. Didn't want one anyway. It sure is easier when things are going smooth! I can't let her get to me, I know. Don't let her bring me down. I am becoming a better person for me and my kids and her if she chooses. I love my wife, but not the person who is in her body right now.
This will happen, and sometimes often, don't let that discourage you. In fact this may be part of her testing you to see if you'll back down and turn into a wussy when she starts acting up.
Your gains have not evaporated, hold the line where you are, you're doing fine.
You guys didn't have an argument, she was just bitchy and crabby, let her be, as long as you aren't, you're better than that.
Thanks Rob- Still pretty new to this and am learning as I go. I did not get mad, pout, or anything else that I had done in the past. Yes, it hurts when she's like this, but I have to be even tempered. This much I do know! Never thought of it as a test but makes sense. No, nothing about this makes sense, but I can see what you mean.
Just wanted to say how theraputic (spelling?) posting and reading on here can be. It helps to keep me on track and reminds me of how I should be changing my thinking. The low time today didn't last as long as before. Thank God! I feel better already, not good, but better. I have posted on a few other people's threads and I hope I can be of some help, if only to let them know they're not alone.
W had v'ball game last night. She did call me at work and tell me who was going to watch the kids, something she hasn't done much lately. I played with kids and got them showered and in bed. S3 said his arm hurt and wanted to sleep with me. Of course, I let him. We went to bed about 9:30 and she got home at 10:30. Not too late and nbd, but, after last night and morning, didn't need any drama. I stayed "asleep" and she came right to bed. She had to be at work at 5:00am, so I got the kids up and ready and she left a note on the counter about milk and other small stuff. Not signed love or anything but she hasn't left a note about anything in a long time. NOT getting excited, just saying.
W has been gone every night this week with v'ball and other activities. I have made sure to be in bed asleep when she gets home. She got home @11:00 last night and slept on couch again. Had decent civil conversation this morning about tax refund and kids, etc. I left early for work again, told her bye and left without pursuing her for kiss or waiting on her for one. For the past couple of weeks, she had been coming and giving me a kiss goodbye and goodnight, but no more. And it's OK.
I have posted a few times on pigskin's thread , as we are close in age and # of kids. My wife has not left yet, but the roller coaster remains. Things will be going well, we'll be getting along, and then things fall apart and it seems I'm back at square one. The up and down is so brutal. It makes it hard to monitor what is working and what is not. Rob said and pig said to expect it, maybe she is testing me. Sandi says do what works, not what feels right. The farther in this that I get, it gets harder to see what works and what doesn't. I know I am just beginning this journey and trying to follow the great advice that all have given. It helps to get some fine tuning directions from the vets to let me know if I'm on the right track or not. I am trying!
It is tough in the beginning since you don't know how to avoid a mistake.
A couple of rules of thumb in addition to the DB points that Sandi often posts:
-- Say no word and take no action that is DESIGNED to piss your wife off or stick it to her for how she is making you feel
-- Imagine your wife not as the woman you are familiar with and have such a long history with, but as some woman you just noticed and are attracted to (think of someone else if you need to). How would you get her to notice you? Note that you wouldn't beg, plead or buy a bunch of gifts for some woman you just met. Or say "I love you, I can't live without you, please don't leave!"
That said, don't be afraid to do whatever works. As you see in my thread, I'm trying a bit of a different approach based on some helpful perspectives from others.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
IDU, I've been in a low for the past few days too, so I know how that is.
Have you read How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words? It's a really useful book that talks about gender differences in communication. Most men really don't get women and how they communicate, and vice versa. Reading this book will help you to understand some of the circumstances that contributed to your sitch, and give you ideas about how to manage communication with your W, even in this difficult time.
Sorry if I've already recommended this to you.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Pigskin - I did read in your thread what you did and hope it works out. It had to be hard for you to even think about doing that at this time. Great job! I am not saying or doing anything to try and make her mad or "see the light" right now. I am GAL, being lovingly distant, paying attention and looking her in the eyes and listening when we do have conversations. It was going well until Mon. Robx said it was all to be expected and to keep doing what I was. I know to expect setbacks but wasn't really prepared for it. I'm trying to think of a way to implement your second point. Try to do and/or say something without being overly romantic or anything. I'll think on that, thanks.
Flow - you had not recommended that book and I will check it out. There is no such thing as too much info right now. Digesting it all may be a problem, though!
Last night W had v'ball game and said she would call and let me know where kids would be. The regular sitter couldn't come so she had to try and find someone else. No call all day. On my way home, I called her sisters and her mom, they all live on the way home, and they had not heard from W. I called W's cell phone and she didn't answer. I got home and went inside looking for a note or something-nothing. So, I sent her a txt - do you have the kids with you? She sent one back - yes, did you get vm? I did not get a vm or a missed call or anything. To be fair, her phone has been acting up, so maybe she did try calling. No reason for her not to since she had kids with her and wanted me to get there ASAP. Anyway, I went to school and picked them up. She was busy and didn't really talk. Took kids home and gave showers, etc. Got txt from W @9:00 - going for a beer. Replied - OK. She got home @11:30, changed clothes and slept on couch again. I, of course, was asleep. She had to get up at 3:00am to go to work so only got three hours of sleep. I guess my question is: Is this to be expected? I have been told to expect her to "test me" and to push things, but this whole time, she has never slept on the couch more that a night or two at a time. This all happened about a week after things were going as good as they had been in a long time. I'd like to think it's partly due to things I have been doing that I have been told here and from reading the DR book. Do what works, not what feels right....is this working? Is she feeling guilty? Should I keep acting "as if"? We have only seen each other for about ten minutes all week and she has been an a$$ the whole time. It's hard to judge what is working and what is not right now. Suggestions????????????????
I went to school and picked them up. She was busy and didn't really talk. Took kids home and gave showers, etc. Got txt from W @9:00 - going for a beer. Replied - OK. She got home @11:30, changed clothes and slept on couch again. I, of course, was asleep. She had to get up at 3:00am to go to work so only got three hours of sleep. I guess my question is: Is this to be expected?
