I think it is very easy to say you have examined your spouses POV but have you (general you) *really* done that? Jeff made a comment that really stuck with me. Often times we only examine our spouses POV through our own lens and our lenses are clouded with our own thoughts and ideas.
I also think that many people simply cannot accept their spouses for what they are. As you said, your W has cultural expectations that you cannot meet, understand or agree with. Do you really think those will change? If they do change will there always be some form of resentment? Obviously I can't answer that question.
My H, two years later is still very much a WAS. We have not lived together for 2 years. He has been with OW for 2 years. We have been legally separated for four months and there is not one conversation that goes by where he doesn't say at least five times "I can't be married anymore". Um, yes, I sort of gathered that. There is nothing more I can do to change that dynamic nor do I care to put any additional effort towards that goal. I could ask him what color the sky is and his response would be "blue but I still can't be married anymore".
I don't ignore him per say but he and I have very little contact because I see no reason to listen to the same stuff I have heard for two years. Our emotional connection has been severed, our marriage dissolved by the law, assets divided and so on. To keep going round and round, for ME, is not productive.
So I take him at face value because it is what it is. I do see very clearly how stagnant he has remained in any sort of personal growth. He feels R should not be work. I won't ever change that opinion. OW has not changed that opinion. So I accept it and that is that. But I also know for ME that would not be a healthy dynamic.
