Fast track to her divorcing me

[jasper67]

Sounds like a pretty good time- good for you!!

I've read in here that a lot of people have to D in order to forge a better R.

Like you said tread lightly and be sure to shine!!

As for your post above about finding this site when the shirt hits the fan or a bit too late...truer words were never spoken.

Look at all the diff thread subjects...I could have made my way in here at Sex Starved Marriage- instead I chose to complain to my friends and do nothing...

So instead, I find myself entering at WAS- who figured?!

The point is we made it here, and sadly, as far as I know, it's usually only one spouse utilizing this site and board...too bad.

And yes, it's obv b/c we still love our SP.

[g450]

Well my silver lining was just covered up by a dark cloud.

I found out she was looking at CatholicMatch.com. And no, I was not spying. Needless to say this has me worried.

Good part is that she does not appear to be a subscriber there asking for dates so I should not read too much into it. It may just be about girl or church gossip etc. But she has a lot of Catholic girlfriends who may be trying to convince her to replace the heathen she divorced. I have no clue at this point but I do not like where this may lead and can't do anything about it except GAL and go back to detaching.

Guess I better prepare myself for some more pain down the road.
And yes I am a hypocrit and deserve to be called one. But she swore to me that she was not looking for a man. She just wanted to be alone and was not putting herself out there (her words).

I will continue to try and make myself a better option. It's all I can do.

[happywithchange]

Dude she has your number. She is playing with you. You are a toy. She lies to you constantly. She doesn't want to be alone. It's all part of the script. She wants a man and sex. And she is toying with you for fun to get back at men in general for being such dumbasses. I've heard all the lies. My wife didn'/t want sex with me, or anyone else for that matter. Right, that's why I caught her with a dildo while txting with her 2nd cousin. You need to get your head out of your behind and wake up. It's funny the more I db'ed and pushed for the end of our marriage the more sloppy she became until I finally caught her. She had been pretty freaking sly. But you aren't even married anymore. If you still love her then being friends will do nothing for you. She will not give one rats ass about you until you become a challenge. Aint saying it will happen even then, but it sure as hell wont happen being her friend aka lap dog.

[jasper67]

be the better option, but do not pursue her at all- she has all the work to do, you just have to go about your business like she doesn't exist until the 3rd or 4th missed call

[g450]

Ignoring calls is not in my nature and she knows it. If I did it she would know something was up for sure LOL. So I guess I should do this. Hell our only Son does it to her himself and it irritates her. I have however stopped calling her. I am now grey. I let her call me first. This has been my tactic for about a month now and it appears to be working.

I understand what hpc is saying. And it could be true but my sitch is very much different than his. She is not exactly a catch but she is still attractive to me. She is 55 years old n ow and does not try to look atractive at all. She has pretty much convinced me that she has no interest in sex even when we were married. She is more of the romantic type. And yes I understand that she could have changed into a totally different person that I dont know. I dont see that as part of her new personality though.

Been searching for evidence of OM or OP for at least more than two months and never found anything except long conversations with friends from HS (male and female). But she did guard her laptop and cell phone like Ft. Knox so anything is possible.

At this point we are now divorced so there is nothing I can do about it either way.

I will be perfectly honest. I love her still. And I want her back. But I am at the crossroads now where I am tired of being treated like something disposable.

I am starting to see the benefits of detaching and I have recently felt what it is like to actually be respected and wanted by a woman. And it feels damn good. I have not felt that way in years.

Unfortunately my XW has no clue what she is throwing away and that I will not wait for her forever. This all reminds me of that old phrase: "Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it!"

[jasper67]

Good for you- I can also attest to the benefits of detachment.

I find my journaling is more centered on what I will do, rather than what I have done, or what W is or has been doing.

Huge plus there-

As for the Grey- good for you, def miss some calls and show that you may be unattainable. Everyone says that's what works.

Forget about OM, esp now that your D- it's a rabbit hole at best and will effect your detachment.

Keep GAL-ing and try to keep some type of love still alive.

Seems like you're doing really well.

[ClingingToHope]

HPC put it in a crude way, but I agree that you should not hold yourself back waiting for something to grow again with your X.

I see some similarities between you and I. My stbx has told me there's no one else. And I believe her. I did enough snooping to know that she doesn't have someone right now.

And I also know her history. She's still a beautiful girl and gets lots of looks, but before we started dating she never went out with someone longer than three months.

She's so shy, reserved and struggles with her self-esteem that she clams up around new people. She told me she was with lots of guys before me because she felt she had to put out to keep them interested.

So in my heart, I sit there and think, you know, with time she'll realize I was truly the one for her.

But I also know she's actively looking. Through the snooping, I saw way back at the start of the separation that she googled an old boyfriend. She was getting messages through FB from old single high school friends. I noticed she's visited Match several times. In August, she's going with her best friend to some motorcycle retreat in Sturgis, S.D.

I haven't been over to the house by myself in a while, but she also starting drinking wine at night, reading romance novels -- she gets them from her mom -- and I found dildos in a box under her bed. Interestingly, she left them there and D11 had a slumber party last week and found them. She told them they were back scratchers.

So I was all over the place. She hasn't found someone else, but I know she was looking, and she's replaced me with toys and a fantasy world.

I've read a lot of people on the site saying they were waiting until they are in a good place to date. My thought is they just haven't found someone yet.

At some point an opportunity is going to present itself. Since the D isn't official, I'm not out there actively trying. I'm on Match, but I'm not sending emails. I just continue to look. I go out with friends, but haven't asked anyone out. I did meet an interesting lady a month ago and I was torn on what to do. I ended up asking her to be a FB friend and she turned it down. sigh.

But if I met a beautiful tomorrow and we hit it off and she was free the next weekend I don't have the girls -- I'm pretty sure I'd ask her out.

I've told friends. I'm not closing any doors in my life.

Look, if you don't move forward you won't get better. That doesn't mean you are closing the door on your X. It just means you won't be dependant on HER deciding your fate.

[jasper67]

Look, if you don't move forward you won't get better. That doesn't mean you are closing the door on your X. It just means you won't be dependant on HER deciding your fate.

I really like the fact that you said this...


Very True

[g450]

CTH I was also on match.com. I actually did send out a few emails and got almost all rejections. More like ingoring as only one woman there had enough courtesy to say she was not interested.

And I am pen-palls with another lady right now. I am letting my account there expire. Just do not feel good about online dating sights anymore. And I will stop actively persuing for now. I came to the realization that I may not be ready to date just yet.

I will wait a few months to check how I feel about dating and just work on detaching for now.

I have a female friend that I see off and on who considers me only a friend but I am starting to like her more than I should and it has me worried that I could be confusing my feelings for her for something that could all be in my head. I am taking a step back and staying only friends because I do not want to hurt her and enjoy her in my life.

I never realized how far reaching and destructive a divorce is to somebodys life. I trully believe my XW has no clue what destruction and pain she has created. I should hate her but somehow I can't. It would be easier if I could though.

I agree with HWC that an OM could be an eventuallity no matter what BS she fed me before and after our D. I have to prepare myself for that I suppose and this is where detaching comes into play.

As far as my XW is concerned, if she wants me or needs me then she knows where I live and what my phone number is. Its 100% on her. She used to say I was smothering her. Really!?!
Well she can no longer say that. I took that excuse away.

She is living in that house alone with her cat and neither me or my Son are there to smother her anymore. She can either relish in her High School facebook fantasy of 1974 or she can remember all the good times we had in the 23 years together and realize what she threw away. That's her call. But if she feels the need to scratch an ich that she has been denying me for a such a long time then I will know that my detachment will be complete.

And if she thinks that there aren't women out there that would be interested in me then she would be sadly mistaken. Regardless of my bad luck on match dot com. I now know better and my self esteem has gotten a boost this week end.

[ClingingToHope]

That's all good. When the right person comes along, you'll feel it. Like when you met your W.

I struggle with whether I'll ever feel as deeply for someone as I do for W. I met her when I was 18, but we didn't start going out until I was 25 after college.

I felt soooo lucky that she was interested in me. And then we got married, the two kids, the house, the American Dream.

I think I've read the LBS focuses on the good times while the WAS focuses on the bad. That's why the rejection hurts so much. And I'm definitely doing that.

I feel I'm going to meet someone great again someday -- and maybe W is right that I'll find someone more suited for me, she was so quiet that it was unnerving. But it'll be a different deal. Likely the lady will already have kids. I have mine and can't have any more -- without surgery.

It'll be a different kind of life than I imagined. That's a big part of the struggle.