I really would like help, please. Newmama has been great but I would like some other points of view too!!!
I have concerns that the 180 might be backfiring.
My whole long story can be found here:
The short is that my husband has told me several times before (after fights, etc) that he doesn’t want to be married, is done with “trying”, just doesn’t feel it anymore, loves me but isn’t in love with me.
Two weeks ago I caught him smoking in our basement and got very upset (that he was smoking in our house) and we had a fight/talk and he said the same thing again. He asked if we should separate and I said “I couldn’t handle it, etc”. This was before I found this site an DB. Anyway, the very next day I started this site and DB but I feel like it might be backfiring.
Since the fight I have tried to do a 180 completely:
-Husband complained that I nagged and was controlling. I have stopped asking him where he is going, stopped asking him what he is doing, stopped asking him to help around the house, I have basically I have not asked him to do anything. There are piles of trash in our backyard that have been sitting there for a month that he hasn’t taken out but I have not said anything. He has let the dog mess on the floor and not cleaned it up but I still have not said anything. I normally would ask him to get up (he works at night and I liked to eat lunch with him because its one of the few times I see him) – I stopped doing that and now he just sleeps until 3 or 4pm.
-Husband complained that I was “always” yelling at him. I have not yelled or raised my voice or gotten upset not even one time in the past two weeks (go me!). Even though I am having a difficult time and I feel like I’ve been run over by a train I am not showing it at all. I have not engaged him in any conversation and only speak to him when he engages me first. I am always smiling and when he does talk to me I am trying to act interested and be friendly. I am only saying “I love you” when he says it first. I am only giving affection when he offers it first (i.e. when he leans in to hug me, when he leans in to kiss me). I am not calling, emailing or texting him – if he initiates that first I respond.
-Husband complained that I needed to get out more. I actually am a “home body” – I just always have been. My husband works at night Wed-Sat and the only days I see him are Sunday, Monday night and Tuesday night. I would always try to be available during those days he was home because there is very little time for interaction due to his job. However, in the past two weeks instead of waiting for him to wake up on Saturday (until 1 or 2) – I have been going to the movies or running errands that I want to do instead of waiting for him. I have been doing things on the days he is not home also but he doesn’t really know about it because he is not there so sometimes it seems fruitless and I would rather be relaxing with a hot bath then trying to GAL.
-Husband complained he was not attracted to me, I was overweight, he couldn’t make himself be attracted to me. About 8 months ago, we got into a fight and all of this came out that he doesn’t think I’m attractive anymore (Ive gained about 80 pounds over the past 3 years). I asked him, “Well, I’m working on it but isn’t there something you find attractive about me – my smile, my eyes, etc. He said “no”. IT was the probably the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me. Anyway, in the past two weeks I have been working out 5 days a week and doing weight watchers. I have PCOS and it has been EXTREMELY difficult to lose weight. I’m trying SO hard but I have only lost about .5 lbs. Its really discouraging because I know my weight bothers him. He does not initiate sex with me. I have tried many, many times and I’m almost always shot down and if it does happen it lasts about 2 minutes with only him receiving any pleasure. I don’t really know where I can do a 180 here because he is bothered by us not having sex but he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I’m trying to improve my body/the way I look but as I said its not exactly going very well (.5 lbs in two weeks is barely a scratch in what I have to loose).
Anyway, he is still in the house but for the past three nights when he gets home he has been going to the guest room. I just feel like maybe I’ve pulled too far away or done too much of a 180. I have made a very valid point to not be “cold” even though I was distancing myself. I guess I’m still just confused and looking for more guidance, tips, advice. It’s almost like I feel like I can’t talk to him without him talking to me – is that right? I haven’t said anything about him going into the other room because I thought that was one of the rules of 180 not to peruse but I was still upset. I got myself up this morning and came into work (I usually work from home 4 days a week) and just left a note says “into work today” and then I made plans to go out tonight (not that he will notice because he is going to be working anyway).
Am I doing this right? I felt like these things were supposed to bring us closer together but I feel like its almost like he is getting what he wants and taking my backing off as validation that his behavior is okay and that Im just not going to complain about it anymore.
