Question

[Lucky11too]

You have it all right, Awest. It is very sad but true. You said all the right things back to him, but he was really just being ridiculous. I know it would be hard for me not to cave in to him but you are doing absolutely great about holding your ground. As you are saying, OW cannot ever be a part of his life if he wants to work it out with you. He is being selffish and just wants the best of all worlds. I think you're gearing up for what's coming next week. It's hard to know what God's will is, but I know someday we'll be able to look back at this period in our lives with understanding - if nothing else for the strength and courage it gave us. Just keep praying for God's strength for you and for wisdom and healing for H.

So sorry to hear about your grandpa. I know you were telling me about that b/c of H's depression. It's just so hard to know what to do. Sometimes meds are some helpful and other times they can be so disasterous. =( I'm just really sorry about it. It's unbelievable that H wasn't there for you thru that either. You do deserve much better then that. I hope he can come to his senses and be the H he needs to be, but I know you have the strength to carry on with or without him. Stay strong!

[awest1217]

Nothing new...he text me this morning to say good morning and I text back, but that is about it. It is sad to think, but I just keep thinking that he was never ready to have a monogamous relationship and never will be. I should not have ever married him, but without us getting married, I would not have my wonderful son so that is the only bright spot in this.

I am toying with sending H and e-mail or writing a note, explaining what I am thinking about since he told me his issues. I have a few unresolved issues with H and OW (the planning an apartment, $4000 where it went, and the i love yous still happening as of two weeks ago), but I mostly am concerned with S and how this is going to affect him. Thoughts?

[Lucky11too]

You know, that's a hard one, but I think at this point you don't have much to lose. He's still to date saying that he wants to have OW and have you (which is a complete deal breaker), so I'm thinking you don't have much to lose by trying one last time to explain your thoughts with his issues. If you do, just give it a lot of thought about what you want to say and try to keep it from being attcking (which you might have to be very careful about b/c i know there is a lot to accuse him about given your above statement of unresolved issues). Otherwise, he will just feel defensive and nothing will even have a chance to sink in. (I remember reading somewhere about how to make sure you say what you want to say, try writing it one day and then reviewing it again the next). This is definitely going to be hard on S no matter what, so addressing with H the potential issues needs to happen at somepoint. (Unfortunately with our selffish H's, our S's which should be their 1st priorty, are not). If H is going to be too clouded over from your statements about OW, you might want to hold off and have a separation in person conversation the deals specifically with S. That way, hopefully, you can stay on track with that issue and find a resolvution to make any transitions as easy as possible on S.

I hear you about S being the bright spot. Sometimes I just wish I had never met H and then definitely not married him, but then without him, I too would not have my wonderful S. I guess sometimes we take the good with the bad.

[awest1217]

Thanks, if I do write him, it would be only about S. I feel the issues between us will resolve with some time and TLC, but the issues with S are imminent. Things like S feeling pushed out and resenting H are huge. S is in a stage again where he has to be around me all the time. It is sweet, but not good for H. S likes to cuddle and rub my back like I do to him. It is all very sweet, but those are the things we need to discuss. HOw to handle S wanting to sleep in bed with me. What to do when H wants him to stop something I have let him do for a year? If H doesn't come home, how are we going to tell S. I mean right now S thinks a dad is someone like an uncle who comes around once in a while to play. He doesn't know that a dad is supposed to be there all the time. I called H Sunday because S was crying for him and H didn't answer. S said last night..."daddy doesn't answer the phone" S was sitting right there when H didn't answer so H wasn't ignoring me, but ignoring S. It is all so sad, but all things to discuss so that is what I would talk about.

[Lucky11too]

Yes, that's even better to keep it focused on S. Those are definitely issues that have to be addressed. That's the saddest thing to hear his little words of "daddy doesn't answer phone". =( These situations are just so unfair to them. Sometimes all we can do is to encourage our H's to if they can't step up as a husband, then to at least step up as a father.

[awest1217]

Yesterday H and I text like normal. Talking about our days. Then last night a sad text saying good night and "please know that I love you lots...both of you :* xoxo". It sounds to me like a white flag saying he loves us, but will never be with us. So sad. He is going to live a miserable life knowing he abandoned his W and S to be "just friends" with OW. So sad.

I tried to type up an e-mail yesterday, but nothing was coming out right without it sounding like I was controlling the situation with S. I want to express my concerns without being pushy. I am going to work hard on it today because I really feel H needs to know about S and for once needs to put his feelings first.

[Lucky11too]

Well, like you've said before, it's hard to sense emotion behind texts, so try not to second guess that too much. But it truely is sad that he is about to give up all that just to keep a "friend". If that doesn't bring up a flag to him about the depth of the R with OW & still really believes that they can be friends, then he really is in denial.

Good luck on your email. I hope he can understand how important S is and be willing to sacrifice to put him first!

[awest1217]

I did send the e-mail last night. I figure it gives H a week to think about everything. I kept the e-mail very factual and more question asking then saying this is how you have hurt S. I separated it into if he comes home what my concerns are, and if he doesn't come home. No response, and I figured that because he will need some time to think about everything as I have. I didn't get a text last night, but I did this morning, which surprised me because I figured he would be upset about the e-mail although I read and reread the e-mail to make sure I wasn't attacking or being negative in any way.

1 week left...

[Lucky11too]

That's good. One way or another, the S issues had to be addressed, and now with the email, he can take it in and process it at his own pace. Was his text to you this morning the usual "good morning" text? That's good news as it must mean that he was not offended by the email, which definitely allows for an open mind. It will be interesting to hear his repsonse to it all...

[awest1217]

2 hour delay today! Yeah, but since I woke up from the call I haven't been able to go back to sleep...at least S is sleeping extra.

H sent me a nice text last night saying he was glad I had a good day because I deserve it, good night, and love you. It was nice, and I think it bugs him that I have my life together and he is still all messed up. No matter what he chooses he is going to be miserable. If he comes home all he is going to do is mope about not being able to see OW. If he doesn't come home he is going to in like a month send texts about how much he misses me and wants me back. Either way he is never going to be happy which is sad. The only thing that makes him happy is his job right now. I am glad that finally is a place he enjoys, but it has always been number one priority to him. He is so much about how people perceive him that he doesn't care about anything else. No one at work or in his social network know what is happening so to them he looks like this awesome teacher who gets his students to improve dramatically all while maintaining a family. Not true at all. He doesn't open up and I think there might be some depression, especially given his younger brother fights it, but he won't go to counseling.

One week...and I can finally move on with my life and start making plans.