But, how do I know if she's the best for me? What should I try to "get?" I'll be honest, after everything H has done, I'm not looking to make this easy on him - & that's putting it nicely. Although I also don't want to be out of control and get super ugly. I want justice.
Here's a good tip a friend gave me for tips on a divorce lawyer.
1.) Get the best attorney you can afford. Take money out of your savings if you have to. It's better to spend more $$$ up front having a strong attorney than one that you have to keep going back to or negotiates in a way that you'll need to make serious adjustments in the future.
2.) Get an attorney who will return your calls within 24-48 hours, consistently.
3.) Get an attorney who understands they are working FOR you and WITH you. Not one who is looking to settle or says things like "This is how most people do it." Your situation is unique and unlike any others. Always remember that.
4.) Do not confuse your attorney with your therapist or counselor. Since lawyers charge by time, don't be tempted to tell them about how much this is hurting you or how emotional you are. Time is money. If you have an attorney who lets you ramble on about the sadness or anger you feel, they are essentially a thief. A good attorney will let you talk for about 3 minutes about how upset you are and if they don't switch to the legal issues at hand, get rid of them. Remember that you are the boss in this situation.
5.) Some attorneys work in firms that have finance people on the payroll or their firm. Those are usually more expensive but ultimately worth the costs. You'll need a firm list of the marital assets to be divided, which will most likely be challenged by your H's lawyer. If your lawyer has in-house finance representation, the turn-around on establishing agreeable assets may be sooner (I haven't had this in my situation, but a friend suggested it to me).
6.) Make sure you feel comfortable with your attorney's personality. There's the idea that you want a bulldog who's going to be harsh and brutal, but I do not work well with those types of people. The lawyer I'm with is soft-spoken but smart and assured. Kind of like the character Meryl Streep played in The Devil Wears Prada - where she was fearful with her silences - or, in my case, like George Clooney in the film Michael Clayton (only not as good looking). But he understands his role is janitor, that is, to clean up the mess of our marriage. Not be full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
If it seems like your lawyer is more like an actor on Law and Order, ditch them. Real lawyers, esp. divorce lawyers, are best when they are not showboats. You've had enough drama, you don't need a legal eagle who is waiting for his close-up.
7.) I don't know how or why an attorney would be considered pro-children, but the goal is to protect your children's interests at the outset. The first agreement was to figure out the way we would structure the trusts for the kids. This settlement is untouchable by me or my stbx-H, except in the case of accident, illness, or death.
8.) Have an attorney who isn't afraid of those topics, even if they seem distasteful or too emotional for you - accident, illness, or death is something that nobody likes to talk about, but it happens. If your spouse or you dies, does custody revert exclusively to the ex? In our case, no, I have a clause that states a member of my family would continue the 50-50% agreement we have on visitations. In case of serious illness or disability, we have some general guidelines. It was a tough thing to think about, but I'm glad we did.
9.) Don't get suckered into the way you feel as the guiding principles for your divorce settlement. I know that you hurt, everyone who gets divorced never really thinks they'd be in this situation, but they are all the same. Courts are not places for punitive settlements. And to make this clear, there's no $$$ amount you could place on it that would give you satisfaction. Always remember that the loss of you is priceless. Believe it, it's true.
10.) If you feel like your lawyer is not working for you, get rid of them. Again, I can't be clear enough, you are paying for their services, make sure you feel like you are getting your money's worth.
