flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

thread #1

thread #2

thread #3

sitch history:

• 1991 - became friends
• 1992 - became non-monogamous long-distance lovers
• 1994 - started monogamous R
• 1995 - moved in together
• 2000 - married
• 2003 - had baby and started down the challenging road of dealing with a special needs son
• 2004 - H started withdrawing and became depressed to varying degrees
• 2006 - had second baby
• Dec 2008-May 2009 - MC, ended in "impasse" with H not shifting
• Jul 2009 - H turned 40
• Aug 2009 - last romance in M
• fall 2009 - multiple crises, H really withdrawn and dealing with rage
• Dec 22, 2009 - H revealed the depth of his hopelessness about our M, said 80% of his unhappiness was due to the conflict in our M, said that he had done a lot of research on how parental conflict affects children and had convinced himself that our level of conflict was damaging our children...repeatedly stated that he had no plans or solutions for the situation...H was dealing with extreme insomnia and a lot of anxiety symptoms (nervous breakdown?)
• Dec 28, 2009 - H was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression (but ended up discontinuing meds after 4 days), first mentioned trial separation but agreed to wait for a month for his state of mind to stabilize
• Jan 3, 2010 - SEPARATION: H moved out and rented 2 BR apartment
• Jan 9, 2010 - H said he had no motivation to work on our M (lots of fight-or-flight body language)
• Jan 11, 2010 - first DB coaching session

sitch now:

We've been separated for 2 months and things have settled into a routine.

H and I are still coparenting peacefully, H is still going out of his way to spend time with the kids and make it easy for them. He has recently commented on how nice I am being and stated his intention to do the same and asked me to give him feedback if he wasn't.

H has not mentioned D in weeks, though he recently made the assumption that I was seeing a lawyer in an email. I caught him referring to me as his "ex". He is still having trouble making eye contact with me. Has made his intention to date very clear and there are red flags that he is in an A but it's all speculation, no hard info.

Doing well with sticking to a code of behaviour around H (pleasant but only contact is about parenting). Occasionally setting appropriate boundaries. I am making progress on DB goals (tiny babysteps), but I'm feeling pretty hopeless about reconciliation.

I am still on an emotional roller coaster. Not doing well with procrastination and obsessing about my sitch. I am having a lot of trouble with doing my self-employed billable work. I have made GAL babysteps and have plans to make more. Just starting to recognize the importance of detachment...have a long way to go. Had 2 sessions with a new IC who seems to be helpful.

[flowmom]

Thanks for letting me know that I should start a new thread sg

[givingitmyall]

Flowmom,

Great recap of your sitch, and it has similarities to mine (and lots of others). I may not post a lot at this point, but I am following along.

Sounds like you are handling this well, or as well as you can.

I can tell you from my experience, limbo is pretty awful. Focus on yourself right now and the kids and figure out what you really want. There will be some fear associated with whatever you decide to do. And that's ok, as long as you control it and not the other way around.

[motherof3]

FM -

Our sitches are similar in many ways. You are doing so much better than I was at 2 months into the separation.

Keep on that path.

Hugs to you.

Mo3

[pigskin]

Time is your friend; but you have to continually find the strength and patience. That's the hard part.

Your husband calling you his "ex" may be a way for him to deal with his own confusion, especially if he thinks you are taking steps such as visiting a lawyer.

My W likes to push me away with her words, but when she suspected I might have been out with another woman she approached me about it (I wasn't, but didn't let HER know that).

The other night when I mentioned to her that I hadn't filed for divorce...yet, she seemed to get defensive and said "What do you mean, yet?" Almost like she got scared thinking "Uh oh. He's calling my bluff! What am I going to do now?!?"

I am working on not reading her mind, hard to do sometimes, but it is a pointless exercise to try to figure out what they are thinking.

Your husband hasn't filed or mentioned divorce recently, so that is a positive thing to build on.

[CityGirl]

I actually think it is a good thing that you recognize detachment is a long process. It is very easy to say, yeah, I am detached when in fact all you are really doing is distancing yourself.

The thing I learned about detachment is there are many forward steps then for one reason or another you take a few steps back. It's part of the process and as best as I can tell the timeline for everybody is different.

I do think once you take so much focus off your H (his thoughts, motivations, assumptions, words) you will find it much easier to make the baby steps towards detachment.

For a long time I was scared to detach because I thought once I did then I would be done for good. I don't think that is the case.

[motherof3]

The thing I learned about detachment is there are many forward steps then for one reason or another you take a few steps back. It's part of the process and as best as I can tell the timeline for everybody is different.

So true.

Detachment doesn't mean that you won't be emotional. You can be detached and still feel sad, angry, and numb. To me detachment means that you have reached a point where regardless of the outcome of your sitch, YOU know that YOU will be okay. A survivor.

[givingitmyall]

PERFECTLY stated MO3!

[flowmom]

So I'm definitely in a tailspin, "spiralling downward" as my IC described it.

My sister asked me to consider antidepressants. We wants me to try Celexa as she once had a depression that was externally triggered and she found that it helped to "take the edge off" and helped her to concentrate at work and function better.

I'm also considering getting a formal ADHD diagnosis and seeking medication for that. I can't continue to make dealing with my sitch into a part-time job as I have been if I'm going to start the process of proving to myself that I can earn enough money to maintain our current standard of living (homeschooling the children, keeping my home, maintaining a family car, eating good quality food, being able to afford quality activities for the children, modest vacations, etc.). I have a brain that likes to gnaw on things, and I need to develop a focus other than letting it gnaw on my sitch. The problem is that I find it very, very hard to switch focus when I'm hyperfocusing on something.

People who are not familiar with ADHD assume that all it takes is a "just do it" attitude, or developing actions plans or strategies, but the reality is that it's not so easy. This is a lifelong problem that I've been battling that affected me as a child, a university student, an adult, and it was a major M issue (letting H down in terms of my earning due to ADHD issues). My IC shares the scepticism about ADHD that many do, but I've researched it a lot due to my S6 and I know that it is genetically heritable and is associated with specific patterns in how the brain works...the disorder is at least as evidence-based as others.

The idea of taking medications is very very hard for me and I've inherited an alternative health mindset from my mother and brought it into my adult life. But now is not the time for me to be a purist. OTOH, my IC is not a fan of my interpreting my struggles from the ADHD lens.

[flowmom]

Thanks for kickstarting my new thread, friends. GIMA and Mo3, I'd like to read more about your sitches. It comforts me to read about the journeys of others who dare to hope for the possibility of reconciliation.

Your husband hasn't filed or mentioned divorce recently, so that is a positive thing to build on.

He definitely has a legal strategy and he's following it. I'm assuming that that's part of his strategy (not rushing me when I'm clearly not ready).

Detachment doesn't mean that you won't be emotional. You can be detached and still feel sad, angry, and numb. To me detachment means that you have reached a point where regardless of the outcome of your sitch, YOU know that YOU will be okay. A survivor.

That's a helpful description. HB's writing about the LBS journey got me thinking about being a survivor and what that means. Probably for some it means surviving but being emotionally maimed. And for others it means surviving and thriving as whole people.