Still looking...

[iwantittowork]

Bunny,

You have come a long way, I have seen it just in the posts you have been making. It is impressive to watch someone start to transform there life in a way that is healthy and to things they want and for themselves. It makes me smile to think there are strong people, like yourself, out there, and that someday I hope to find one to share my time with as well.

One lingering problem- I can’t get past the numbness. When it comes to H and our M, I don’t feel much of anything, positive or negative- I can’t find any anger, disappointment, hate, love, desire- just nothing.

Have you brought these feelings up with your IC? This does not seem odd to me at all, given how you had to live, and for so long, repressed feelings seem a simple byproduct of having to do so, as a protection mechanism for yourself. Talk about these feelings openly with your IC, and you may come to the root of them.

he’s good at ripping me up verbally. I shouldn’t have to live trying not to piss him off, but it’s still in the back of my mind.

No, you should not have to live that way, and nor do you have to. Have your atty contact his, and you can drive the negotiation. I would not place yourself in a position to have to worry about this. I would spend the extra money to block this from having to happen by having your atty do the talking. That would seem to me to be better for your emotional health during this.

My IC and my friends here have pointed out have far I’ve come, but I still don’t see it. This last year has been a blur- I see where I am now, and sometimes I still wonder how I got here and why. What the he!! happened? I have to re-read some of my previous posts to remind myself, because I’m real good at blocking it out. Bad memories, bad feelings- all blocked, ignored, out of mind.

You have come a long way, try not to beat yourself up if your not feeling like it at a given moment. We are talking years of your life here, a few months or even a couple years may not give you complete clarity, but even your posts have change in reflection of your personal changes since you started posting here. Give yourself some credit, and congratulations, for all that you have been through, and where you are today. Small steps will add together to become bigger steps for you.

Keep it up!