Journaling: New thread time- picking up where the last one left off.
I had my IC appointment tonight. I reported to her that a friend noticed that I seem a lot more relaxed lately since I’ve been settling into my new place. I definitely feel a reduction in tension since I am not in close proximity to H and that is tremendous. It’s really nice to be rid of the eggshell flooring! Still not thinking about H or wondering what he’s up to, and that kinda surprises me. It just doesn’t matter what he does, he’s leaving me alone.
One lingering problem- I can’t get past the numbness. When it comes to H and our M, I don’t feel much of anything, positive or negative- I can’t find any anger, disappointment, hate, love, desire- just nothing. I don’t feel much either at the thought that he wasn’t interested in re-evaluating in a few months into the separation like we said originally. I was surprised when I found out, but ok, fine.
I told him last weekend to call his atty and get a settlement offer to mine for review. I figured he would have his called right away Monday, but he hasn’t yet and it’s already Thursday. He doesn’t see any need to rush, he says. OK, H, do you want a D or not? If you’re not talking to me, talk to your atty, let’s go on this. I’m a bit nervous about the settlement negotiations- I’m still a little afraid of him. Not for my physical safety, but my emotional health- he’s good at ripping me up verbally. I shouldn’t have to live trying not to piss him off, but it’s still in the back of my mind.
My IC and my friends here have pointed out have far I’ve come, but I still don’t see it. This last year has been a blur- I see where I am now, and sometimes I still wonder how I got here and why. What the he!! happened? I have to re-read some of my previous posts to remind myself, because I’m real good at blocking it out. Bad memories, bad feelings- all blocked, ignored, out of mind.
