Huband is having an emotional affair

[ALJ]

Hello everyone. Unfortunately, I found out my that my H is having a EA, possibly a PA. I have been posting on newcomers since I found this site and I am really not a newcomer anymore.

Just to recap, my H and I have been separated for 10 months now. He moved to Georgia to start a clothing line and entertainment company after turning into a stranger and announcing that he had not loved me in over 5 years. He has drove up to visit the girls for all of the major holidays and their birthdays. We had major communication issues in our marriage along with not making each other a priority in the marriage. There was no infidelity on my part. I'm most certain that he had grown emotionally attached to other women and my mind was not in the place to do anything about it, because of my own hang ups and issues with myself.

Fastforward to this past Monday. I have found out that a girl that was H secretary in his company last year before he moved away has moved down to Georgia where he is and she is now the co-owner in his new clothing line. She is 24 and lives in the same apartment complex as him. I saw her picture on the clothing line website and began to question him about her when he called to talk to the kids. That is when the truth came out. He claims that they have not been physical and that they are just good friends that go out together and have a good time with each other. I am no fool. I remember last year, before he left, seeing this girl in lots of pictures with him on his entertainment company website. I had this nagging feeling about her and him but I didn't question it. My mind was not in the right place and I was also afraid of what he might have told me. He is obviously emotionally and possibly physically involved with her and there is probably more to the story.

I know that I let my emotions do the talking when we discussed what was going on between the two of them. I began to pressure him to tell me if he loved her, if he was happy with her, etc. He finally exploded and said " I don't know what I want", so I backed off and told him that he did not have to worry about me saying anything to him about her anymore. I was mad, confused, and hurt and it showed in my voice. We hung up.

Around midnite, I got a text from him and it said this;

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for everything. I never wanted to hurt you or try to hurt you. I never thought my life would turn out this way but it is something, regardless of my reasons, that I have to live with. Is it easy? No. And it does hurt not being able to see the kids grow on a daily basis because I have been just somewhat there and I know that I owe them an apology. I know its hard on all of you because although I may not show it, it is hard on me also. Its like everything is a mess and it feels like I'm the blame for it, even though I have said that we both are. Maybe in life, I haven't made all the right choices but whatever the choices made, I am going to have to live with the consequences. If it is right or wrong, I believe God will one day show me the right way. Hopefully not when its too late. Sorry for bothering you."

I did not respond to his post until later that afternoon. I sent him a text saying that I was sorry for anything wrong he felt that I did to him. I just didn't know what to say. I am so hurt and have started getting those sick to the stomach feelings that I used to get after he dropped the bomb on me last year before he left. I just don't know how to proceed.
I still love him but I have not said this to him since the day he moved away. This is a new can of worms for me. Any advice is appreciated.

[ALJ]

This is my very first post on this site. It sums up our marriage somewhat and I apologize for the length.

My husband and I have been together since high school and neither one of us has had a relationship with anyone else. He was my first lover and I was his first lover. Our relationship has been virtually conflict free and our sex life is fine. We hardly ever argued but we have always had communication problems and issues with being affectionate toward one another. I was told that showing affection toward your spouse is supposed to happen naturally but we really had a hard time expressing it. Its not that I didn't want to be affectionate toward him but I guess I never knew how. I guess he didnt know how either and we both knew something was missing in our relationship but never really addressed it.

Another big issue in our marriage was us not spending enough time together. Unfortunately, I know I was to blame for a big portion of this problem. When we were newlyweds, we worked opposite shifts and could only see each other on the weekends. Instead of me reserving that time for us, I took my grandmother and cousins out shopping and anywhere else that they needed to go. I was the only one with a vehicle back then and they depended on me. And they knew I would not tell them no. Meanwhile, my husband sat at home alone. I believe he had an EA around this time. After awhile he started going out to clubs a lot and going away with his friends once or twice a year to Toronto. We as a couple never really traveled like we should have.

Our daughter came along in July of 2002. A year and one day later our second daughter came along. My focus mostly revolved around them. I took care of the household, bills, shopping and everything else. It seemed like I was pulling most of the weight and I did mention it to my husband a few times but he always said "Tell me what needs to be done and I will do it or "how hard can it be?" I basically had no life. Everything I did revolved around my husband. I wanted him to be happy as he did go into a funk sometimes. I wrote it off as just a part of his personality but it might have been a warning sign.

In 2006 we had another daughter and I think this is when my H started to emotionally detach from me. I was still taking my relatives shopping on the weekends even though he had talked to me about how it was affecting our marriage. I don't know why I did not listen to him. By this time, my H had started getting serious about his entertainment company which is based in Georgia(He produces music and promotes artists.) Now his weekends are full also. We became like ships passing in the night.

Fast forward to 2009. My H and I have been working at the same job for 10 years together. But the industry we work in has taken a turn for the worse. The company that we worked for offered high senority employees a severence to quit which we both decided to do. We are both now unemployed. H decided that he wants to move to Georgia because there is a big market for his company in Atlanta and plus that is where it is based. I supported this decision. We agree that once he was settled down in Georgia that me and the girls would join him. I thought that this would be a new beginning for us.

Valentines day 2009 I think was the beginning of the end. We should have planned something special for this day. I, once again, took my relatives where they had to go and did not get home until late. A huge mistake. The following Tuesday my H started to act cold toward me and proceeded to act this way for a week. I broke down in tears and tried to get him to tell me what was wrong and little did I know he was going to drop the bomb on me. He basically said that he does not love me like a H should love his wife and he has been feeling this way for years. He said he is unhappy in our marriage and that we didn't spend enough time together and communicate with each other like married people are supposed to. He also said that maybe if I would have showed more affection toward him, maybe he would have responded to it. We did hug and kiss each other but the past couple of years he seemed indifferent to it. I guess by that time it was too late, he had already checked out emotionally. I am devestated.

I asked him did he want a divorce and he said he wanted a legal separation. I asked him if this is the end of our marriage and he said "I don't know." I asked him if we could go to counseling and he refused. I asked him if he was even interested in working on our marriage and he just looked at me with a mean look. I basically shut down after this announcement. His plans for moving down south did not change. In the meantime I moped around the house looking sad and despondent. I did not eat for three days. Nothing else really matter except the kids. He stopped wearing his wedding ring and did not want me to hug or kiss him. This hurt deeply. He also said sex would not be appropiate either but we still slept in the same bed. And we did have sex twice after his announcement but that was it.

He left for Georgia on May 1st. He and his business partner(male) are renting an apartment down there. It has been almost 3 weeks since he has been gone and I am so empty inside. I have read every "Save Your Marriage" book on the market. I miss him terribly and I wish that I could go back in time and change all of the mistakes that I have made in our relationship, but I cannot. I know he has made mistakes too but right now I feel like I made the most. He calls me every other day and we talk like everything is normal. He cracks a few jokes now and then. He talks to the kids also. He will not respond to my "I miss you" text-mails. We do not talk about the relationship or when does he plan on pursing the "legal" separation. Sometimes I think he is going through a mid-life crisis but he is only 33. I really want him to fall in love with me again but how can I work on our relationship when he is not willing and lives 14hours away?

[jasper67]

OK- stop the phone calls, or only let him speak w/ the children- stay mysterious and happy if you do speak to him, stop the ILY's and I miss you texts or e-mails...detach and be happy or act happy w/ the way things are.

I guess that's the best advice I can give-

You've already asked about therapy, so you don't need to ask again.

Some may suggest you go ahead and file, I don't really know what the right answer is- but keep asking around.

Share your feelings here, if you speak w/ H, do not get emotional or do and R talk.

Will follow up more later.

[chatterbug]

Around midnite, I got a text from him and it said this;

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for everything. I never wanted to hurt you or try to hurt you. I never thought my life would turn out this way but it is something, regardless of my reasons, that I have to live with. Is it easy? No. And it does hurt not being able to see the kids grow on a daily basis because I have been just somewhat there and I know that I owe them an apology. I know its hard on all of you because although I may not show it, it is hard on me also. Its like everything is a mess and it feels like I'm the blame for it, even though I have said that we both are. Maybe in life, I haven't made all the right choices but whatever the choices made, I am going to have to live with the consequences. If it is right or wrong, I believe God will one day show me the right way. Hopefully not when its too late. Sorry for bothering you."

Next time you get this....

Do this...

IGNORE

THEN WHEN HE DOES THIS AGAIN.

IGNORE

ON the 3rd time reply

" I will not longer have relationship conversations with you when there is a third party involved in our Marriage. I will not be a part of an Open Marriage. "

THEN IGNORE THE NEXT 10 MESSAGES or 2 days.

[ALJ]

Maynard- Thank you for your helpful advice. Sometimes I feel like I have not done enough to state my stance on our marriage but I am pretty sure he knows how I feel. When he would call to talk to the kids, I would talk with him for an additional 30-45 minutes about the kids and what was going on in his life. Of course he did not show a big interest in what was going on in mine. I just felt that if he saw that I was trying to change the way I was communicating with him and notice the changes, he would at least have a change of heart. Yeah right. At the present time, h and I are in financial ruins and would not be able to afford a divorce. He has not even uttered the word divorce during all of this. It isn't something I really want even though H has moved on in his life with this 24 year old girl. It feels like they pulled a fast one on me.

Chatterbug- I want to be able to have the gumption to do this and I will try to. I really did not know how to reply to his text. On one hand it sounded like he was reaching out to me (H has major problems with showing emotions and expressing himself) and on the other hand it sounded like he has made his choice(the OW) and he is going to "suffer the consequences" just to be with her. I am trying to get rid of the feelings that I have failed my H by not supporting him in moving away when he wanted to back in 2004 and now he has found someone who was there for him emotionally and willing to move to where he is and basically filling the voids that he claims I was not filling. I have been having trouble sleeping at night think about what has happened and I know when he comes back to visit the kids, I am going to have to know how to handle him. H has not been a cake eater when it came to wanting to be physical with me. I was the one pursing him in that aspect. I will not do this anymore. Should I ask for my key back from him if he doesn't give it back first? Do I allow him to sleep in my room on the floor like he used to when he visits?

I am basically an easy going person and it takes a lot to anger me. I should want to give H a piece of my mind and tell him where to stick it but I am more hurt than anything. I have to get myself together.

[Allen A]

Next time you get this....

Do this...

IGNORE

THEN WHEN HE DOES THIS AGAIN.

IGNORE

ON the 3rd time reply

" I will not longer have relationship conversations with you when there is a third party involved in our Marriage. I will not be a part of an Open Marriage. "

THEN IGNORE THE NEXT 10 MESSAGES or 2 days.

Chatterbug, that's good excpet for the

Open Marriage

Part. In my opinion you NEVER call an affair an relationship, dating, or an open marriage or a friendship or ANYTHING other than an AFFAIR...

ALWAYS call a spade a spade

4luv's husband tried this stunt on her recently he had asked "so are we dating other people now or what?" and he basically is asking for her to sign off on him having an AFFAIR

NEVER NEVER NEVER refer to an AFFAIR as ANYTHHING else... it just LEGITIMIZES painful activity that is done to you...

WOuld you refer to stalking as "watching?" No, if someone is following you and you don't WANT them to and they have no REASON to its STALKING

Call a spade a SPADE...

SOrry Chatterbug, the points you made where good other than that small part.

So, this is what we have :

" I will no longer have marriage conversations with you when there is a third party involved in our Marriage. While we are married, any involvement with her is an AFFAIR and a threat to our marriage. You are my husband and should be protecting our marriage. - CLICK"

[Allen A]

OK- stop the phone calls, or only let him speak w/ the children- stay mysterious and happy if you do speak to him, stop the ILY's and I miss you texts or e-mails...detach and be happy or act happy w/ the way things are.

I guess that's the best advice I can give-

You've already asked about therapy, so you don't need to ask again.

Some may suggest you go ahead and file, I don't really know what the right answer is- but keep asking around.

Share your feelings here, if you speak w/ H, do not get emotional or do and R talk.

Will follow up more later.

Maynard... not in this case no...

I have to read more, but this is the general point, many people on this forum need to hear this ponit :

If you WANT to SAVE your marriage, then THAT is your focus, you LEAD your spouse by EXAMPLE on the doing of this

1. Keep your RING on
2. Do NOT file for divorce
3. ZERO tolerance for threats or distractions to your marriage from inside or outside the home
4. Start REGULAR family therapy with a GOOD FT
5. Educate yourself on buildnig a marriage AND PROTECTING a marriage from threats

This is the process in a nutshell.

If you WANT to SAVE yoru marriage 1 - 5 should be followd.

Number 3 is the tricky one, particularly with affairs

The THREATS in many cases is your SPOUSE as well as the OP.. so you may have to protect YOURSELF and your marriage from THEM... meaning do NOT talk to them, do NOT argue with them, and do NOT fight with them... keep AWAY until YOU aren't doing DAMAGE to your marraige by interacting with your spouse

As long as YOU can't have a civil conversation wtih yoru spouse, you need to keep AWAY from them.

This does NOT mean separate. I only reccomend separation if acting responsibly proves ineffective... and i do not call it separation, i call it PROTECTION.. big difference

A LOT of people think of separation as a STEPPING STONE to divorce, and many start AFFAIRS while they are separated.

I term it protection meaning, you have EVERY INTENTION of saving your marriage, but right now the best way to save it is to protect yourself from your spouse and them from you... THAT is nOT the same as separation...

Now... NEVER FILE FOR DIVORCE.. why would you do that? You want to kEEP your marriage right?

Then make THEM file...

I will read more for this case in detail, lots to read here... a quick summary might help I am at work now so I don't have the time to read over much... but I would like to help.

What I did see was a long time separation, a husband having an affair with his business partner, and the wife here wants to save the marriage is that right?

1. You need to set your boundaries
2. Do NOT tolerate being lied to - don't argue about it either, zero tolerance
3. you need to get your H to commit to No Contact with OW
4. you need to get your H educated about marriage and infidelity

THese are the tasks at hand

how to do those if you want to I will write more later.. I just did a quick scan of the thread... sorry if I missed anything important... be back soon

[Puppy Dog Tails]

" I will not longer have relationship conversations with you when there is a third party involved in our Marriage. I will not be a part of an Open Marriage. "

THEN IGNORE THE NEXT 10 MESSAGES or 2 days.

Chatterbug, that's good excpet for the

Open Marriage

Part. In my opinion you NEVER call an affair an relationship, dating, or an open marriage or a friendship or ANYTHING other than an AFFAIR...

ALWAYS call a spade a spade

[/quote]

I dunno, I'm as "call-a-spade-a-spade" guy as any around here, but to me, "an open marriage" is a pretty damned big spade. In fact, I would argue (very SADLY, I might add) that the media, and society, have legitimized infidelity and "affairs" so much in the past 20 years, that "open marriage" may actually carry more of a stigma than "affair" does anymore.

"Open marriage" has a cuckold implication that most rational people find completely unacceptable.

Other than that quibble, I agree with everything in your post.

Puppy

[Allen A]

Open marriages are practiced, I do'nt think people find that as offensive as infidelity... mabye the word AFFAIR is romanticized too much...

I woudl have to check out how "open marriage" is used more.. to my udnerstanding its a mutually consentual arrangement to satisfy needs outside the marriage... but I don't think there is any stigma attacked to it...

Sorta like swinging...

[Allen A]

So lets try this...

" I will no longer have marriage conversations with you when there is a third party involved in our Marriage. While we are married, any involvement with her is INFIDELITY and a threat to our marriage. You are my husband and should be protecting our marriage. - CLICK