I get it: DETACH. Act 'as if' and keep moving forward with my life, renegotiating our relationship as the best friends that we have been from the beginning.
You got it; PLUS, detaching, to me, also means NOT getting sucked up in his drama, being able to look at it from the shoes of someone on the OUTSIDE of it all, instead of being within the situation, and lost in all the fallout that occurs.
Congratulations, you've got the majority of the battle, now you're out the try and win the war...being just fine no matter what happens with your marriage. You WILL get there; you're on the right road toward healing and wholeness.
That is a hard place to get to. Many people think that the MLC spouse should leave to sort this out. Some, however, do NOT, but create enough of a HUGE emotional distance between themselves and the LBS, attempting to sever the ties, that they may as well have left physically. They are already gone, mentally.
Their feelings are buried somewhere deep within, but still there, the connection almost non-existent for quite some time while they sort themselves out.
It looks to me at this point in time, like he's looking for a 'girlfriend' instead of a wife or a mother...and you can fit that bill to meet his changing needs at this time of his life. That's actually the FUN part of this; when you can "flirt" with him, get along with him, be his friend, draw him back, Girlfriend! You become the "girlfriend" first, then later his wife once again; that doesn't come for quite awhile down the road. Being a girlfriend isn't so bad, though, it's the first step to "re-becoming" his wife. My husband actually TOLD me at one point he had taken me as his "girlfriend", and it floored me at first..but I was told that was much better than for him to say I was his mother, LOL!! He did let me know much later on when I became his wife within his eyes once again..and it was a LONG time coming. Until then, I was content to be his "girl".
Be there when he needs you, be prepared to hear more of what's in his mind; that you KNOW aren't true, but perceptions get skewed and altered during MLC. Sort the garbage when you need to, the truth is in there, but nearly buried in their "spewing".
You seem to be a very low key and fairly laid back person in spite of what has all happened....of course, you're exhausted and terrified; this is very understandable; you're honestly afraid if you say the wrong thing, he'll run again.
Play it by ear, believing NONE of what he says, and only about half of his actions..but those actions speak much louder than what he's saying.
I was smiling as I read his "excuse" for moving back; allow him to think this is HIS idea, not yours if/when he comes back. I believe he will, but he's afraid of things not changing,(one of the major fears in MLC, mostly unfounded if the LBS "gets it", but the MLC'er doesn't know that) just as you're somewhat afraid he's never going to come out of this whole. (If/when he comes out, he will be changed, not exactly the same man you knew, but better than what you had. You said he was a good man, beforehand, but we can ALL stand to improve in all areas of our lives, and MLC was more or less designed to bring forth that change into better people, if the MLC'er allows it to. )
I honestly think he wants to move back in, but doesn't exactly want to take the blame for having moved out; but it WAS his decision to leave in the first place. I know what he said, BUT, I remember every time I started agreeing with my husband when he was in MLC, the next thing I knew he was arguing the OTHER direction.
Keep your focus on yourself, and just half-watch him, understanding it takes time to finish this out. I've been down that road, came out, turned around and went through the tunnel myself. I also took the journey to wholeness, faced my issues; came out BETTER than I was before.
It seems to take them no time to tear lives apart and a long time to "come back" and help to bring it all back together, but some do. It actually looks good from what I'm reading on your situation...you're moving on, and in a way, he really doesn't want you to go so far you "get away from him". I quite honestly get the feeling he really doesn't want to lose you...but he's hurting so deeply within, and that is demanding his focus, yet he really doesn't want to look at that..and wishy-washy, he definitely IS.
I also have the feeling you have all things in hand, and just needed a reassurance you're doing all right; all of us need that, sometimes, especially when we're not sure of where we are.
Patience is definitely a virtue in this trial.
You're doing, fine, SH, I promise you are.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
