how do i keep my hope alive?

[chatterbug]

T asked me to stop over... And since T is a good friend.... So I have read your entire thread. I will post questions in the next post.

Here are a few things that stand out.

We are both 30, been married only 2 years.
Diagnosed with adult ADHD, attended counseling on his own and eventually the 2 of us together.
I pursued him, seeking assurance of his love, he withdrew.
which scared me so I began seeking assurance. Nothing really resolved,
didn't have it in him to fight for us anymore
but he says it should be "easier" for us to solve conflict without the breakups
i have NEVER initiated a breakup
and he felt that his own apartment would allow him the space to get some rest and be able to focus on this new job.
H currently is not on meds for ADHD
but he does drink a lot
so, my H emailed today and said he has an appt with an IC on Wednesday. i think it's a good sign that he's willing to admit he needs to talk to someone - especially without me suggesting it. he said his mother has insisted that he should be seeing someone, but at least he hasn't felt that pressure from me.
especially when i feel like we go through this breakup thing every 12-18 months.

i miss him soooooo much. it gets harder and harder every day to keep up my hope and optimism.
and he felt that his own apartment would allow him the space to get some rest and be able to focus on this new job.
Just wanted to point out the this below was beautiful
sorry if i'm rambling. seeing him today just sent me over the moon in love with him again, seeing him smile, seeing him cry, wanting to reach across the table and hold his hand...and now i'm sitting alone at the table where we used to share dinner and talk about our days and he is not here and he is not coming here, no matter how badly i wish or hope or pray he comes...he is not coming. not tonight and not for many other nights. maybe later on, all i can do is be the best me i can and find my own happiness in the meantime...but it doesn't take away any of the hurt of being alone tonight.

i'm doing my best to give him space and still let him know i'm around.
if you know you're going to get upset, why would you ask? anyway,
all i can do is show him my best self because i can't make up his mind for him.
but it's a lot easier when he's distant and unfeeling as opposed to when he's crying about how lost and alone he feels. does that make sense?
what is the "it?" hmmm. the it is the cycle of our relationship, where we are fine and dandy and happy as clams for a few months, maybe even half a year or more, and then i begin to feel like i get less and less of his attention and focus, i let him know i need more and that i'm not feeling loved, and he responds with "nothing i ever do makes you happy."

i know i should stop trying to understand every little thing he says or does. i know i should focus more on my EN's than his.

my mom tells me that even if we worked things out, i could expect him to want to leave off and on for the rest of our lives.

i understand the concern about the "mind reading." it helps me try to gauge where we are, and i know that despite what he says, he may be feeling something entirely different.

i did cry when i got off the phone with him. i've been longing for him to say that to me for over a month and he just said it out of the blue. it took me a full ten seconds to take it in and then respond. i never doubted that he loves me.

.i'd probably have thrown myself at his feet without the things i've learned from all of you on this site!

had a really nice time with my H tonight. we met for a drink and talked for a while like we were just on a date, nothing really about our R until a bit later in the night.

e did not talk about D, or really even being separated at all. he talked about how much he misses me and how he wants to get to a better place mentally before making any big decisions. but this is what DB is all about, right? just slowing down the talk and the idea of moving towards D?
you know what her response was? an APOLOGY. a genuine, heartfelt apology. i wish i could have seen my face. it felt GOOD to set that boundary! i should have been doing this years ago!
when he wanted to separate back in 2008, he started seeing a counselor. i watched and waited. he proved through his actions that things would be different. and now i'm in this place again.
especially when i feel like we go through this breakup thing every 12-18 months.
i know i am trying to mind read or interpret his emails and that i need to stop. but at the same time,
last time we reconciled, it was all about talk. talk talk talk. he wrote me these amazing letters and bowled me over with promises to be a better man and do this and that and i believed it all. his actions backed up his words for about 2 months before he slowly started slipping back into his old behaviors...spending less and less time with me, more time at work, more time with his buddies, drinking more, going out more...so, i guess what i'm saying is that even IF we did decide to work on the M, i don't even know HOW i would go about learning to trust this man again.

if it's true this is a cylce that will only continue to repeat itself, how much of myself do i want to invest in this R?