They cheat but they always expect you to trust them .. never fails... after the affair was over in my home my wife's tune change though.
SHe wanted to go away for a weekend... I wasn't comfortable with it and I told her... She showed dissappointment and said that she needed the trip to relax...
I told her I didn't trust her... she agreed FINALLY that she understood why...
She never went. That was a HUGE step for her... she took ownershp of the damage done by her affair and paid the price for it herself... huge leap there..
If your wife can get her to do that, all the power to ya.
Well...I know that she's still conflicted. I'm not sure if she REALLY wants to let go of "baby daddy" right now; but she doesn't want to let me go either. She has told him that if we reconcile that she'll have to do 3rd party kid exchanges and go NC with him. So she is aware that will HAVE to happen. That is why I told her that we have to have that in place before MC starts.
I see those steps by her and I get encouraged; but I don't trust her motives.
So I set boundaries to protect me; because I have no expectations.
I would reccomend you start looking for a FT, it can take some time and it might prompt something out of her either way... It can't hurt to know a good FT in your area... dont wait til ya need one... it takes time to find them.
I understand your rationale for ME to start looking for a FT; however, I want her to WANT to go as well. I'm fine with this sitch either way it works out. There are advantages to either outcome for me. But I would rather work it out. given her history and her verbal desire to put it back together; I'd like her to prove it TO ME.
So she called this evening wanting me to come over for dinner and drinks. I declined.
So we talked on the phone for a couple of hours. She started in with all the "what ifs?" about him having to contact her in an emergency. Basically she was trying to shoot down what I had told her last night about needing the NC. I just explained to her that if she couldn't do it...just say so and file.
She was going on and on. I just told her that I really didn't want to discuss it unless we were in the MC office. She still says she wants to make a go of it.
That's fine, you let her dance all she wants.. YOU keep STILL and dont' change your position...
I know you want HER to jump through some hoops, but TRUST me you do NOT want HER selecting teh family therapist
Ask mb28 about that one, she let her WS Husband find a therapist on his own... he picked one at random and heard ONE NEGATIVE comment and three days later he's at the lawyer filing for divorce....
I have said this before and I guess I will have to keep saying it
Selection of a QUALITY FAMILY THERAPIST is NOT something you leave with your WAYWARD SPOUSE to do... they will F'K it UP...
This is THE MOST DELICATE part of the process... YOur WS cannot select a FT to save their lives... they do NOT know what they are looknig for.. MWD has TONS of good advice on the subject...
If you want HER to go, YOU need to set an exmaple... if YOU act like a child, she will follow suit.. if you set an adult example, she MAY follow suit
It done'st always work when you act like an adult, but if you act like a child and wait for her to do the work she will respond like a CHILD EVERY TIME I guarantee it
I understand exactly what you're saying Allen. And I told her last night that I will have to agree on the Therapist. In fact, I told her exactly what you had advised someone else; that I want one with experience in Infidelity, one that believes in marriage, and believes that Affairs are addictions. That we will interview them until we find that person.
However, I placed upon her the responsibility of making the appointment for both of us to go. I gave her a list of FT to call. The reason I'm placing this upon her is that I have always done all of the legwork for anything in our M. She needs responsibility. Add to that, I'm not convinced of her desire to recon. I believe it's all talk. I want her to WORK for it. It was her idea to try MC; let her do the work. Cause I'm in a place where I fine with this M ending if she isn't going to commit 100 percent. I will not continue to live with half truths and half a$$ attempts at saving a M.
So, while I understand your advice for me going first to FT, in my sitch I'm not going to waste my time and money unless I see that she's committed to it.
I understand your reasoning.. yes, if she needs to grow on the responsability level and this is a test of your trust, then by all means have her call...
I am not sure what she's up to myself.. it sounds just a bit off.. not sure what to think...
I cannot assume to know anything about anything- I think it is wise of you to give her the responsiblity or task of doing some footwork.
If there are major delays or excuses, obviously do not buy into them.
I had done the same thing back in Jan w/ my W- she did nothing- I was out of town for a week- she had not cleaned, nor done any footwork on seeking a new MC/FT.
I understand your reasoning.. yes, if she needs to grow on the responsability level and this is a test of your trust, then by all means have her call...
I am not sure what she's up to myself.. it sounds just a bit off.. not sure what to think...
Well, I'm not exactly sure; but I'm guessing it's closely related to the fact that she can't be without a man. So placating me until the next one is what I believe she's up to. Either that or her L told her to get back into the house before you file.
It IS WAAAYYY off...but then I've been dealing with these inconsistencies for too darn long. Don't really know why I'm still around....except to say that I would like to see if my changes in me have made any impression on her. If not on her, it has certainly helped me in the last year and a half. I would have never had the balls to make this stand before then.
Last edited by marriedCrazy; 03/05/1006:24 PM. Reason: had a senior moment
