No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[confusedinpa]

Stuck.... oops sorry... Bond.... wait, that doesn't sound right.... guess you'll always be my brother Stuck LOL

Anyway, reading through this thread, it brings flashbacks of the emotions of what had gone on in my situation.... now the OM never came to threaten me.... though I wished he would as I've seen a pic of him so I know it would have been a very short non-event..... but the emotions I'm talking about are what I've read into your thread.

I know it feels frustrating and dire, as sure as I know many people here feel as such. We all feel betrayed and "constantly punished for what she did...."

It's total crap.

I don't have much advice for you other than to echo what you have told me and others here countless times.

Continue to be strong and stand up for yourself and your daughters. The only person you can control is yourself. Stop trying to read minds.

Sorry for the miscelaneous ramblings, but reading your latest conversations and going ons had really brought back some rough emotions in me. You had really helped me through my really tough times.

Guess I was just really trying to say stay strong brother. I'm here for you (as well as countless others) and you and your daughters are in my prayers.

[flowmom]

Thanks for filling me in Bond. And sorry for chiming in without becoming more familiar with your sitch.

Bottom line is that she's got alot of growing up to do in terms of relationships. She'd rather run away from something uncomfortable than deal with it. And those whom she feels uncomfortable with, she cuts them out of her life. She did that with her best friend and had tried to do it with me. Problem is that since we have children together, she can't get rid of me! LOL.

Yeah, I see the same thing with H.

[MrBond]

cipa,

Hope all is going well with you. Did you find a job yet?

As for your sitch, I hope things are getting smoother. I still think you need to assert yourself and put your W back in her place when she starts showing you attitude.

Actually when I had the talk with my W last night, I told her that when the subject of the OM comes up, I would appreciate her dropping the attitude. She said she wasn't giving me attitude and I told her it was coming up in the tone of her voice. That's what got us talking about things that make her uncomfortable. So in my case it really opened up something.

I also told her it was time she started accepting responsibility. We'll see how things go.

How often do you see your W?

[MrBond]

flowmom,

No problem. We've all gone through so much, but the stories are basically the same. I think both of our spouses are going through a MLC and it's said that the people who get hit by it the hardest are those with poor coping mechanisms. They don't like feeling "hurt" but rather than figuring out what that hurt is, they run away from what they believe is the source of it, namely the LBS.

For my W who kept saying she was looking forward to a new life, that she was happy, blah blah blah, she stays at home all the time, has really bad acne and seems to have aged since leaving.

I guess that's what it means to be happy!

[pigskin]

Thanks flowmom.

I actually have read the book. I've been at this for just about 2 years now and I've tried alot of things. In the beginning, I definitely wasn't the "nice guy". I remained friendly but not pursuing, detached, etc. That didn't work. In fact, it actually pushed her farther away and she was very confrontational.

So I went the friend route which she was much more receptive to.

Bottom line is that she's got alot of growing up to do in terms of relationships. She'd rather run away from something uncomfortable than deal with it. And those whom she feels uncomfortable with, she cuts them out of her life. She did that with her best friend and had tried to do it with me. Problem is that since we have children together, she can't get rid of me! LOL.

This talking to her about the issues to let her open up is actually a new thing. It's taken a long time to get here, but I'll see how this goes. If it doesn't work, I'll switch gears again.

Anyone else with suggestions?

Maybe just be sure to go slow with it. It seems like a good thing that your W offered that she had an issue with feeling that her opinion didn't matter. Its better than not telling you about what bugged her because she has completely shut you out.

If she's anything like my wife, and I think she is, be sensitive to issues she brings up that might be trivial to you, such as stopping the paper. It obviously bugged her, so to her it was a big deal or she wouldn't have mentioned it. I've been working on not judging the severity of the issues my W brings up.

Good luck with this.

[confusedinpa]

Hey MrBond (That STILL feels weird....) :-)

Did you find a job yet?

Still no job yet. I had a few phone screens and a couple of interviews but nothing solid yet. I have another phone screen tomorrow and one on Tues next week. I do have an interview next Thurs but it's 3 hours away so I'm not that enthusiastic about that one.

Thanks for asking

That's what got us talking about things that make her uncomfortable. So in my case it really opened up something.

I hear ya brother. You know alot better than any of us here do as only you can read into her tone and voice inflections. I know I had a couple of conversations that seemed promising - not with respect to her changing her course, but more that she was at least thinking. But nothing came out of it other than more angst from having my hopes crushed. Guess I'm jaded now. Who nows. Just be careful. I know, as well as many here do, that we are all looking for that one glimmer of hope and how crushing it can be when it turns out to be a mirage. Just be careful....

How often do you see your W?

Unfortunately I see her almost 50% of the time - when she has the boys but drops them off during the day so I can take them to school/babysit. She had a concussion just before V-Day (slip on ice) and we wound up having dinner together (the 4 of us) three times. For me, it was very painful, as I was just so irritated after seeing her each time.... cause where I'm at right now, everytime I see her, it just reminds me of how defiant she acts that everything is so much better because of what she's done.

Admittedly, it was easier for me when I was in NY when I rarely saw her. It was hard as I only saw my boys 2 nites a week. Now I see them almost 65% of the nites and almost 75% of the days. Guess you gotta take the good with the bad.

Crazily, she called me up earlier this week cause she knows allergy season is coming up and asked me if I wanted to use her discount to get claritin. Crazy.....

Sorry for the hijack, but you did ask ;-p

Now back to you..... hang in there bro! With or without her, you are a better man for it! Your daughters will greatly benefit from that. As well as you......

Take care

[MrBond]

pigskin,

Thanks. I feel the more she starts to open up, the more I can jot down as to what she REALLY is feeling. I feel a sorry for you though. At least my W never questioned God. That's a tough nut to crack.

Maybe in your sitch, you need to steer her away from the God issue and more about her mortal needs.

[MrBond]

cipa,

Sorry to hear about the job sitch. Things will look up.

As for your W, I can see you have alot of resentment for your W still. As one who has been in your shoes, I would say you have to find someway to deal with this because you do see her 50% of the time. I released alot of my anger and resentment awhile ago and actually took pity on my W. It made me alot stronger and I believe that's why when the OM showed up, I kind of laughed it off because to me he was insignificant.

I have to say it was good that he did show up because it made my W realize that her actions had consequences. She still won't admit blame though, but at least now I know it's because she's uncomfortable with it all. Well duh!

Funny thing is that when we're together, we get along great. She's just a bit messed up. I'm going to see her tonight with my Ds. I'm interested to see how things go.

[MrBond]

cipa,

Oh and I forgot to mention to you that with her having that affect on you, you are allowing her to have control over you. Turn the tables and grab that smugness away from her. You need to do this for yourself.

[MrBond]

Well I just made an appointment to see a new IC. The last one didn't do me or my W any good. This one helped a friend of mine and she is totally pro-M. Hopefully it'll work out.