First read it then do the first step (focusing on your M right now):
Quote:
Step 1: It is important to first identify those people, places and things in your life from which you would be best to develop emotional detachment in order to retain your personal, physical, emotional and spiritual health. To do this you need to review the following types of toxic relationships and identify in your journal if any of the people, places or things in your life fit any of the following 20 categories.
Types of Toxic Relationships * You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive. * The other is emotionally unavailable to you. * Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you. * Punitive or abusive to you. * Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you. * Smothering you. * Other is overly dependent on you. * You are overly dependent on the other. * Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself. * Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer or enabler. * Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go. * Other appears helpless, lost and out of control. * Other is self-destructive or suicidal. * Other has an addictive disease. * Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned. * When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching. * Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want. * Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for control. * Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another. * Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.
Do you want to try looking at the toxic side of your M?
Emotionally detaching is a process, but I'm hoping that I can speed it along by really looking at this stuff in detail.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
stash it away. half the things on that list could be changed if both people worked on their part. so what's the point of it? if he won't work on his part or fails to in the next 6 months, then take the list back out and read it and kick him to the curb. until then, stash it away!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I will try the steps. I love self help stuff like this.
As for the rehearsals, it's a mixed blessing. One of the problems prebomb was we lived separate lives. I escaped to the theatre to avoid H. I didn't realize I did this until postbomb. I'm afraid that once I'm gone at night, we won't spend any time together and this will bring us back to the old patterns.
On the other hand, when he is abusive, it's good to have a place to go. It's a balance.
When a week goes by when you've barely seen him because of rehearsals, maybe suggest a weekend outing OUT OF THE HOUSE for just the two of you or the two of you and S. Should be less pursuey when you're seeing him less and then it leaves it in his court. If he refuses, HE'S the reason you're not seeing each other, not your rehearsals.
